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Yesterday, I returned from a week-long Christmas vacation in Kansas City and Tampa. After flying on the worst flight of my life, I wasn't sure if I'd ever make it home. The flight was so turbulent that people all around me were puking in barf bags. It was kind of ironic... a bulimic (in recovery) on a plane where everyone else is puking. If that would've happened years ago, I probably would have acted sick, utilizing those bags myself.
Now back in the city, I've decided to conquer another level of the ED--mental reconditioning. I've blogged before about how I feel guilty for not sticking to my food plan, even though I know I don't have to stick to it perfectly. Recovery is, after all, about balance. But I'm just sick of feeling guilty about it. So, I have two choices: 1.)Stop feeling guilty; 2.) Stick to my food plan. Because I don't know how to stop feeling guilty and can't seem to internalize imperfect abstinence, then my only option is to stick to my food plan.
Usually, I stick to my food plan all day, and then at night I'll eat something unplanned. It isn't because I'm hungry. I get anxiety about eating what I planned. Why? I don't think there is any deeply-rooted reason. I think it's just because I'm not practiced in eating only what's on my food plan. My mind is conditioned to eat off of my food plan. I need to condition it to do the opposite.
So, for today, I'm going to try it.
I'll let you know tomorrow how Day 1 went!!
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Monday, December 21, 2009
Brittany Murphy Dies... Is Hollywood "Clueless' or Just in Denial???
Cross-Posted from my entry in www.the-f-word.org
I was so busy running around in preparation for Christmas yesterday, that I didn’t even know that actress Brittany Murphy died of “natural causes.” My first reaction is utter shock. For years, tabloids have rumored that the actress has had anorexia, and the fact that she died of a cardiac actress seems to support such rumors. I don’t know if it is because she’s close to my age or if it is because I love her as a comedic actress. In any case, my mentality–which, even in recovery, still vacillates daily between wanting to be unconcerned with weight and wanting to be not-anorexic-but-just-thin-enough (whatever that means)–has just received a huge dose of reality.
Within a few months of moving back to NYC, I accidentally lost quite a bit of weight, because I went from driving everywhere to walking everywhere. It just happened, really. This triggered my anorexic mindset, which has not been present for years. While I like how I look and don’t ever want to look “sick” again, my mind has become obsessed with the possibilities of losing more. What can I say? It takes years in recovery to recover from the ED mindset… at least for me.
My point in mentioning this, and why I am so shocked by Brittany Murphy’s death, is that the ED can kill you (or me) when one least expects it. You’re eating a little less here, exercising a bit more there, and then, oops, you accidentally kill yourself. Honestly, I didn’t mean to send myself into cardiac arrest… I was just trying to fit into my skinny jeans. Now I know, obviously, that there is so much more behind EDs than trying to look good in clothes. But, a notion as innocent as wanting to try to look good in an outfit or feel more comfortable in your own skin can actually be deadly. While my playing around with food is at a manageable or even “normal” degree, if I let it continue, which will eventually shift my behavior to a status of unhealthy and unmanageable, this could potentially happen to me.
Now, we don’t know the specifics of Brittany Murphy’s “death by natural causes”–the ED rumors have not been medically confirmed. We never received confirmation of an ED on rail-thin Michael Jackson either… but that doesn’t mean he, nor Brittany, didn’t have one. I’m not trying to scapegoat Hollywood, but the ridiculous standards that celebrities have to maintain if they want to continue to gain employment is just that–RIDICULOUS. How many more celebs have to die? When is Hollywood, and society, going to learn that public figures and celebrity role models need to start resembling real people, instead of real people trying to fit into these unrealistic and life-threatening ideals? Now, I know that we all make choices; but, at the end of the day, most people want to feel like they fit somewhere in the world. Hollywood anorexic iconography in the human form just doesn’t help and needs to stop.
I was so busy running around in preparation for Christmas yesterday, that I didn’t even know that actress Brittany Murphy died of “natural causes.” My first reaction is utter shock. For years, tabloids have rumored that the actress has had anorexia, and the fact that she died of a cardiac actress seems to support such rumors. I don’t know if it is because she’s close to my age or if it is because I love her as a comedic actress. In any case, my mentality–which, even in recovery, still vacillates daily between wanting to be unconcerned with weight and wanting to be not-anorexic-but-just-thin-enough (whatever that means)–has just received a huge dose of reality.
Within a few months of moving back to NYC, I accidentally lost quite a bit of weight, because I went from driving everywhere to walking everywhere. It just happened, really. This triggered my anorexic mindset, which has not been present for years. While I like how I look and don’t ever want to look “sick” again, my mind has become obsessed with the possibilities of losing more. What can I say? It takes years in recovery to recover from the ED mindset… at least for me.
My point in mentioning this, and why I am so shocked by Brittany Murphy’s death, is that the ED can kill you (or me) when one least expects it. You’re eating a little less here, exercising a bit more there, and then, oops, you accidentally kill yourself. Honestly, I didn’t mean to send myself into cardiac arrest… I was just trying to fit into my skinny jeans. Now I know, obviously, that there is so much more behind EDs than trying to look good in clothes. But, a notion as innocent as wanting to try to look good in an outfit or feel more comfortable in your own skin can actually be deadly. While my playing around with food is at a manageable or even “normal” degree, if I let it continue, which will eventually shift my behavior to a status of unhealthy and unmanageable, this could potentially happen to me.
Now, we don’t know the specifics of Brittany Murphy’s “death by natural causes”–the ED rumors have not been medically confirmed. We never received confirmation of an ED on rail-thin Michael Jackson either… but that doesn’t mean he, nor Brittany, didn’t have one. I’m not trying to scapegoat Hollywood, but the ridiculous standards that celebrities have to maintain if they want to continue to gain employment is just that–RIDICULOUS. How many more celebs have to die? When is Hollywood, and society, going to learn that public figures and celebrity role models need to start resembling real people, instead of real people trying to fit into these unrealistic and life-threatening ideals? Now, I know that we all make choices; but, at the end of the day, most people want to feel like they fit somewhere in the world. Hollywood anorexic iconography in the human form just doesn’t help and needs to stop.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Achieving Food Plan Perfection...Yeah, Right.
Throughout my ED career, whether it be in the pitfalls of relapse or the upward crawl towards recovery, I've consistently (and constantly) planned the Perfect Food Plan. Daily, I envision that if only I eat this or that and stick to my plan, I'll feel so much better about myself. Logically, perfectionistic logic that is, it makes sense... follow your plan to the letter and you'll feel better--poetic, yes, realistic... not exactly... at least not for this food addict.
I do, however, have some errors in my thinking. First, recovery is supposed to be about balance, finding the grey (and accepting it), no black and white thinking. Easier said than done. "Perfect" doesn't really fit into the category of moderation. Second, I'm still trying to define myself externally, to some extent, whether it be by how well I follow my food plan, or how much I weigh, or the size of my jeans.
While I yearn to follow a food plan so clean that even minuscule crumbs of deviation from it couldn't be picked up under the lens of a food-plan-falsifier investigator's microscope, at the end of the day, I always do something to louse it up... even in recovery. That is what is so frustrating.
Perhaps I'm being too restrictive in my food plan... Perhaps I need to give myself a break... Perhaps I need to think about what makes me so afraid to follow the food plan I devise? Ha-Ha! Yes, I think that is the issue. The easiest answer is control. But what is behind the control???
More next post... gotta go be a social work student!
I do, however, have some errors in my thinking. First, recovery is supposed to be about balance, finding the grey (and accepting it), no black and white thinking. Easier said than done. "Perfect" doesn't really fit into the category of moderation. Second, I'm still trying to define myself externally, to some extent, whether it be by how well I follow my food plan, or how much I weigh, or the size of my jeans.
While I yearn to follow a food plan so clean that even minuscule crumbs of deviation from it couldn't be picked up under the lens of a food-plan-falsifier investigator's microscope, at the end of the day, I always do something to louse it up... even in recovery. That is what is so frustrating.
Perhaps I'm being too restrictive in my food plan... Perhaps I need to give myself a break... Perhaps I need to think about what makes me so afraid to follow the food plan I devise? Ha-Ha! Yes, I think that is the issue. The easiest answer is control. But what is behind the control???
More next post... gotta go be a social work student!
Sunday, November 22, 2009
The Bumpy Road of Recovery
Why is it that every time I work on one part of recovering from the ED, another piece of it tries to seduce me? Of course, the obvious answer is that it's a mental illness... duh. Technicalities aside, why does it have to happen that way? I mean, I work on not bingeing and purging, and all of a sudden I want to restrict. I work on not restricting, and then I want to overexercise. As soon as I make the decision to eat on my food plan, as planned, I get the urge to overeat... just a little... or restrict, just a little. And then the mental cycle starts again, which allows me to never fully be at peace. Throw any level of stress in the mix, and the entire thought train is magnified.
My ED symptoms are like small systems, interacting and taking direction from a larger system in my brain, my personal director of weight management...which takes direction from an even larger system, My Sense of Self. The surface problem is that I'm still choosing to define who I am by external qualities, like what my body looks like and what I achieve. The more deeply-rooted problems are... well, too complex to get into on this post.
The short of it is, at my core, I still feel inadequate. That doesn't mean I don't feel happy, because my life is better than ever. But at the end of the day, when I look at what motivates me, I have an invisible "I", standing for Inadequacy, slapped across my forehead, following my every move.
Throughout my recovery, professionals have told me that as long as I was active in the addiction, it takes the same amount of time to recover. I don't mean "recover" like cured from thinking about and engaging in ED behavior; I mean recovery from the arrested development and the issues that triggered the ED in the first place. I always thought that I would make faster progress... wrong. The complexities, and subsequent mind-fucks (pardon my French), of EDs are baffling.
So, I've been in a cycle of restricting for a couple of months. Not a lot, but enough to lose weight and have people notice. It's strange that I'm in this phase, because I haven't been "here" since before my bulimia started. Like many, prior to bulimia, I restricted... until I got too hungry one day, and decided to start throwing up. Of course, I'm simplifying my double-twisting dive into the abyss of the ED, but you get the point.
What's even stranger, is that I'm not restricting because I think I'm fat, and my goal is not to achieve anorexia. Also, I feel indifferent to the weight loss. I don't exactly get a high from it. On some level, I just really don't care; I know that I look fine and that I don't need to lose weight. Moreover, I want to become an eating disorder specialist some day, sooner than later, and so I don't want to ever become "sick" in that way again.
And yet, I still want to lose weight. What this shows me is that the mental dis-ease of this mental illness still has powerful ammunition, even in recovery.
My ED symptoms are like small systems, interacting and taking direction from a larger system in my brain, my personal director of weight management...which takes direction from an even larger system, My Sense of Self. The surface problem is that I'm still choosing to define who I am by external qualities, like what my body looks like and what I achieve. The more deeply-rooted problems are... well, too complex to get into on this post.
The short of it is, at my core, I still feel inadequate. That doesn't mean I don't feel happy, because my life is better than ever. But at the end of the day, when I look at what motivates me, I have an invisible "I", standing for Inadequacy, slapped across my forehead, following my every move.
Throughout my recovery, professionals have told me that as long as I was active in the addiction, it takes the same amount of time to recover. I don't mean "recover" like cured from thinking about and engaging in ED behavior; I mean recovery from the arrested development and the issues that triggered the ED in the first place. I always thought that I would make faster progress... wrong. The complexities, and subsequent mind-fucks (pardon my French), of EDs are baffling.
So, I've been in a cycle of restricting for a couple of months. Not a lot, but enough to lose weight and have people notice. It's strange that I'm in this phase, because I haven't been "here" since before my bulimia started. Like many, prior to bulimia, I restricted... until I got too hungry one day, and decided to start throwing up. Of course, I'm simplifying my double-twisting dive into the abyss of the ED, but you get the point.
What's even stranger, is that I'm not restricting because I think I'm fat, and my goal is not to achieve anorexia. Also, I feel indifferent to the weight loss. I don't exactly get a high from it. On some level, I just really don't care; I know that I look fine and that I don't need to lose weight. Moreover, I want to become an eating disorder specialist some day, sooner than later, and so I don't want to ever become "sick" in that way again.
And yet, I still want to lose weight. What this shows me is that the mental dis-ease of this mental illness still has powerful ammunition, even in recovery.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
"HOW" EDs change
As a person in recovery from a long struggle with bulimia, as well as a person studying to be an addiction specialist, I often ask myself, HOW do eating disordered persons change. I know from my own experience, it has been a long process of small changes over time, which has eventually led to large life changes. But I have to wonder, when, what was it, and how did that switch go off in my brain that said, "Okay, now you are ready to take action and change." Ya know, that paradigm shift that occurs that makes one realize that they want more out of life than the ED.
Everyone has there own process, clearly. As one who wants to be an ED therapist, I have to wonder (because of my own recovery), how much does therapy actually influence that moment when people decide to take that courageous leap of faith into recovery?
When I think of my own experience, I spent many years in therapy with no real behavioral changes. Not because my therapists weren't great, but rather because I had to hold on so tightly to the false sense of control/other benefits of the eating disorder. I'm wondering if there is a therapeutic way to "speed up" the process, allowing people to see that they don't need to hang on to the ED so long. To some extent, I think it's possible--by strengthening the rational self and helping one to create a sense of self outside of the ED. Most importantly, helping one create a support system. Without a support system, we are all pretty much screwed.
On the other hand, because we are dealing with a mental disorder, which comes with firmly planted irrationalities, maybe a therapist's job is to be there to plant therapeutic seeds, so that when one is ready, then they will be able to tap into that information and use it as a tool for change.
What prompted these thoughts, I guess, is that when I see friends who are completely entrenched in this disease, I wish I could say or do something to help them get out of their own way and experience life! It's so much better than the isolation of the ED!!!! Yes, I know... I'm powerless over people, places and things.
Everyone has there own process, clearly. As one who wants to be an ED therapist, I have to wonder (because of my own recovery), how much does therapy actually influence that moment when people decide to take that courageous leap of faith into recovery?
When I think of my own experience, I spent many years in therapy with no real behavioral changes. Not because my therapists weren't great, but rather because I had to hold on so tightly to the false sense of control/other benefits of the eating disorder. I'm wondering if there is a therapeutic way to "speed up" the process, allowing people to see that they don't need to hang on to the ED so long. To some extent, I think it's possible--by strengthening the rational self and helping one to create a sense of self outside of the ED. Most importantly, helping one create a support system. Without a support system, we are all pretty much screwed.
On the other hand, because we are dealing with a mental disorder, which comes with firmly planted irrationalities, maybe a therapist's job is to be there to plant therapeutic seeds, so that when one is ready, then they will be able to tap into that information and use it as a tool for change.
What prompted these thoughts, I guess, is that when I see friends who are completely entrenched in this disease, I wish I could say or do something to help them get out of their own way and experience life! It's so much better than the isolation of the ED!!!! Yes, I know... I'm powerless over people, places and things.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Living the Dream...
Wow, I can't believe it has been this long since I last posted. I apologize, however, I have a great excuse... I'm in graduate school! I have not had a single moment to do anything outside of studying, attending my internship, and working. Anyhoo...
As I sit here, looking out of my 12th-floor apartment window, onto the drizzly streets of Broadway, I feel so grateful to be back in the city. When I left NYC 8 years ago, and carted myself off to rehab, I felt so awful that once again my eating disorder had beat me. All I ever wanted was to live in this city, free from the desire to binge and purge, so that I could live out my dreams; which, at that time, was dance. While I did do that, my entire experience was overshadowed by the cloud of dysfunction hanging over my head.
Now, I'm back, this time pursuing my MSW in clinical social work at NYU, and I have to say that life tastes pretty darn good. I don't binge and purge anymore (just for today), thankfully.
The eating disorder mindset, however, is still quite present. I feel caught between the person I was, and the person I want to become. While I know intellectually that I don't want the private hell of the eating disorder, I still have a constant desire to lose weight (don't all women--even those without disorders?). Because I have been pounding the pavement of NYC like a maniac, out of sheer business, and because I'm making better choices of not emotionally eating, I have lost weight. I think that there is nothing wrong with my body, yet, I want to lose more. This is why eating disorders are classified as a mental disease (dis-ease).
Ultimately, I don't want to lose too much, because if I look "sick," then I won't be able to work in the area of therapy I want to--working with eating disorders. So, that's what I mean when I say I'm caught between my unhealthy and healthy self.
Anyway, for today, I will eat my food as planned. For everyone (like I used to be) who doesn't trust that a food plan works, it does! In fact, many of my bulimic friends in recovery have lost weight! I know that self-knowledge avails us nothing, and that the reasons for staying in the ED extend far beyond the possibility of weight loss... so I don't mean to sound reductionist.
Well, off to do homework! I will try to post much more often.
It's so nice to be caught up in life, instead of food!!
As I sit here, looking out of my 12th-floor apartment window, onto the drizzly streets of Broadway, I feel so grateful to be back in the city. When I left NYC 8 years ago, and carted myself off to rehab, I felt so awful that once again my eating disorder had beat me. All I ever wanted was to live in this city, free from the desire to binge and purge, so that I could live out my dreams; which, at that time, was dance. While I did do that, my entire experience was overshadowed by the cloud of dysfunction hanging over my head.
Now, I'm back, this time pursuing my MSW in clinical social work at NYU, and I have to say that life tastes pretty darn good. I don't binge and purge anymore (just for today), thankfully.
The eating disorder mindset, however, is still quite present. I feel caught between the person I was, and the person I want to become. While I know intellectually that I don't want the private hell of the eating disorder, I still have a constant desire to lose weight (don't all women--even those without disorders?). Because I have been pounding the pavement of NYC like a maniac, out of sheer business, and because I'm making better choices of not emotionally eating, I have lost weight. I think that there is nothing wrong with my body, yet, I want to lose more. This is why eating disorders are classified as a mental disease (dis-ease).
Ultimately, I don't want to lose too much, because if I look "sick," then I won't be able to work in the area of therapy I want to--working with eating disorders. So, that's what I mean when I say I'm caught between my unhealthy and healthy self.
Anyway, for today, I will eat my food as planned. For everyone (like I used to be) who doesn't trust that a food plan works, it does! In fact, many of my bulimic friends in recovery have lost weight! I know that self-knowledge avails us nothing, and that the reasons for staying in the ED extend far beyond the possibility of weight loss... so I don't mean to sound reductionist.
Well, off to do homework! I will try to post much more often.
It's so nice to be caught up in life, instead of food!!
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Living Within the Parameters of Imperfect Abstinence...An Interesting Dilemma
When I think of "abstinence," as I learned in treatment, I think of no sugar, wheat or flour, no restricting, bingeing, or purging, weighing and measuring, following a food plan to the letter, etc. While this was great for me at the time, I eventually began to seek out moderation in my food practices.
Moderation is wonderful, except when you have a brain that defines abstinence as perfection; meaning, encompassing all of the above, every single day. Moderation has allowed me to not follow the "no sugar, wheat or flour" regimen--because, unlike the compulsive overeater, who has an allergy to those substances, my addiction doesn't send me off running to the races when I ingest sugar, wheat, or flour. While I'd spent plenty of time b/p, I was most-addicted to purging, thus alleviating any feeling of fullness (i.e., uncomfortableness).
Where guilt ensues is in the following my food plan perfectly bit. Every day, I plan my food. Some days I eat exactly as planned. But on most days, I will eat an extra of this, or skip that, which makes my perfectionistic brain go crazy!
My dilemma is that I want to achieve what I have defined as perfect abstinence. But, the real question to ask myself is, do I really need to? Why do I have to do it perfectly? Couldn't "perfect abstinence" be just as mentally shackling as the ED itself? I'm beginning to think so.
So, the question then is HOW do I mentally train myself to accept imperfect abstinence? A lot of mental conditioning and cognitive restructuring is my guess...oy vey!
FOR TODAY: I will attempt to follow my food plan perfectly, but if I don't, I will practice being gentle with myself.
Off to do some mental push-ups!!!
Moderation is wonderful, except when you have a brain that defines abstinence as perfection; meaning, encompassing all of the above, every single day. Moderation has allowed me to not follow the "no sugar, wheat or flour" regimen--because, unlike the compulsive overeater, who has an allergy to those substances, my addiction doesn't send me off running to the races when I ingest sugar, wheat, or flour. While I'd spent plenty of time b/p, I was most-addicted to purging, thus alleviating any feeling of fullness (i.e., uncomfortableness).
Where guilt ensues is in the following my food plan perfectly bit. Every day, I plan my food. Some days I eat exactly as planned. But on most days, I will eat an extra of this, or skip that, which makes my perfectionistic brain go crazy!
My dilemma is that I want to achieve what I have defined as perfect abstinence. But, the real question to ask myself is, do I really need to? Why do I have to do it perfectly? Couldn't "perfect abstinence" be just as mentally shackling as the ED itself? I'm beginning to think so.
So, the question then is HOW do I mentally train myself to accept imperfect abstinence? A lot of mental conditioning and cognitive restructuring is my guess...oy vey!
FOR TODAY: I will attempt to follow my food plan perfectly, but if I don't, I will practice being gentle with myself.
Off to do some mental push-ups!!!
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Attachments
So, this past week, I've been so aware of how alone I feel when I'm not around people, not surfing the internet, or not checking my iphone for the umpteenth time. The list goes on and on. Obviously, this is why I clung so tightly to food!
Every week, I long for time to myself when I'm off work; yet, when I finally get that time to myself, I feel so alone. Spiritually and psychically alone. Even if the sun is out and I've had my coffee. It doesn't happen every hour of my day. Rather, it's like I have a wonderful day, get my "list of the things to do" done, sit down on the couch to "relax," and then it hits me. First thought... I want food. Second thought... no you don't, so don't even think about it.
Today, my therapist, H, told me that I'm attached to the thought, "I'm alone." The reason for this, H says, is that it's completely familiar to me; because I'd felt so alone my entire life. I don't know if I'll get this right, but by attaching myself to that thought, I leave myself without choices. I drown in this emotional abyss, suddenly finding myself feeling very afraid in the world. No wonder I wanted to binge and purge last week! Thank god I didn't!!
The truth is that we are all alone. Yes, we reach support, we reach for control, for success; but, when all of that runs out, for a moment, it is just me, myself, and my emotional scars. The feeling of longing (for what?) begins to wrap itself around every muscle, bone, and cell in my body, until I'm crawling in my skin.
Naturally, I've forgotten the cognitive-behavioral instructions H presented me with, to change my thought process when the impending doom of "alone" strikes. However, for today, I don't feel it, as much.
Acknowledge. Embrace. Feel. Don't try to change my feelings. Lean into the fear. Lean into the alone-ness.
These are all things that I know help me.
Even though I don't necessarily feel alone tonight, as I sit here, the only question that keeps running through my head is, When can I have my snack???
Will I ever be free????????
Every week, I long for time to myself when I'm off work; yet, when I finally get that time to myself, I feel so alone. Spiritually and psychically alone. Even if the sun is out and I've had my coffee. It doesn't happen every hour of my day. Rather, it's like I have a wonderful day, get my "list of the things to do" done, sit down on the couch to "relax," and then it hits me. First thought... I want food. Second thought... no you don't, so don't even think about it.
Today, my therapist, H, told me that I'm attached to the thought, "I'm alone." The reason for this, H says, is that it's completely familiar to me; because I'd felt so alone my entire life. I don't know if I'll get this right, but by attaching myself to that thought, I leave myself without choices. I drown in this emotional abyss, suddenly finding myself feeling very afraid in the world. No wonder I wanted to binge and purge last week! Thank god I didn't!!
The truth is that we are all alone. Yes, we reach support, we reach for control, for success; but, when all of that runs out, for a moment, it is just me, myself, and my emotional scars. The feeling of longing (for what?) begins to wrap itself around every muscle, bone, and cell in my body, until I'm crawling in my skin.
Naturally, I've forgotten the cognitive-behavioral instructions H presented me with, to change my thought process when the impending doom of "alone" strikes. However, for today, I don't feel it, as much.
Acknowledge. Embrace. Feel. Don't try to change my feelings. Lean into the fear. Lean into the alone-ness.
These are all things that I know help me.
Even though I don't necessarily feel alone tonight, as I sit here, the only question that keeps running through my head is, When can I have my snack???
Will I ever be free????????
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Wanting to eat, Wanting to not eat, Wanting to purge, Wanting...
Here it is, almost 8:00 on Saturday evening. Let me just say right off the bat that I have wanted to binge and purge for hours!! These cravings have not come over me, at this level of intensity, for months--perhaps years!! I want to eat, eat, eat! I want to rid myself of the fears I have over this article I'm still procrastinating about writing (although, I'm making some progress). I also want to starve and overexercise. It's... well... crazy, for lack of a better word. Just another indication of the mental disease this is.
Just a glimpse of the ED stream of consciousness this evening:
I really want Magnolia Bakery No you can't get Magnolia Just don't eat Eat your snack as planned I really want cupcakes I really want to purge My therapist still hasn't called me back I have an excuse to binge and purge fuck that you know you don't want to do this You'll regret it No I won't Yes you will I really want to shove massive amounts of Magnolia Bakery products into my mouth Maybe I'll just go to the gym and purge that way No you don't want to do this Who cares I can start over Lisa won't be home for hours You really just want to distract yourself from doing the article It will still be here if you choose to binge and purge You know you don't want to...
How I can go from being in a perfectly great mood, to this emotionally ravenous state--in an instant I might add--is nuts. I won't pathologize too much... none of this is abnormal when you have an ED... even in recovery... that's the real kicker. It's like, yeah, go to treatment, get some recovery--oh, but I might have forgotten to mention that I'll be haunting you for the next, oh, rest of your life. Yes, I have a lot of "freedom," meaning, I don't B/P/S/OEx, and I have the "freedom" to go out to eat without worrying too much about calories; but, on days like today, I feel like I will never get total freedom. I tend not to believe those who say they "recovered" from their EDs. Excuse me, did you have an ED like I had one? To some extent, even without an ED, people will live with food/body issues.
Anyway, all I can think about is going to Magnolia Bakery for their famous treats and shoving as many as I possibly can into my mouth... and then, of course, spewing it out. Wow, that release would feel great--but then I'd feel like shit. Now, I've been mulling this over for several hours, my contemplative options changing by the 15-minute interval, and, I think that I've gotten over the hump (at least for this interval).
As I've made it to the end of this post, I realize that I am definitely not going to binge and purge tonight. Why??? BECAUSE I'M CHOOSING NOT TO!!!!! I'm not going to overexercise at the gym tonight either. I'm going to sit with my feelings and eat my snack, as planned.
My mind tells me that I REALLY don't want to do this, but my truth tells me that I really want to be abstinent.
Recovery is about honesty. As a colleague used to say to our clients, "We don't get honest to get what we want. We get honest to get what we need. Ya know, I really hate honesty at times.
Just a glimpse of the ED stream of consciousness this evening:
I really want Magnolia Bakery No you can't get Magnolia Just don't eat Eat your snack as planned I really want cupcakes I really want to purge My therapist still hasn't called me back I have an excuse to binge and purge fuck that you know you don't want to do this You'll regret it No I won't Yes you will I really want to shove massive amounts of Magnolia Bakery products into my mouth Maybe I'll just go to the gym and purge that way No you don't want to do this Who cares I can start over Lisa won't be home for hours You really just want to distract yourself from doing the article It will still be here if you choose to binge and purge You know you don't want to...
How I can go from being in a perfectly great mood, to this emotionally ravenous state--in an instant I might add--is nuts. I won't pathologize too much... none of this is abnormal when you have an ED... even in recovery... that's the real kicker. It's like, yeah, go to treatment, get some recovery--oh, but I might have forgotten to mention that I'll be haunting you for the next, oh, rest of your life. Yes, I have a lot of "freedom," meaning, I don't B/P/S/OEx, and I have the "freedom" to go out to eat without worrying too much about calories; but, on days like today, I feel like I will never get total freedom. I tend not to believe those who say they "recovered" from their EDs. Excuse me, did you have an ED like I had one? To some extent, even without an ED, people will live with food/body issues.
Anyway, all I can think about is going to Magnolia Bakery for their famous treats and shoving as many as I possibly can into my mouth... and then, of course, spewing it out. Wow, that release would feel great--but then I'd feel like shit. Now, I've been mulling this over for several hours, my contemplative options changing by the 15-minute interval, and, I think that I've gotten over the hump (at least for this interval).
As I've made it to the end of this post, I realize that I am definitely not going to binge and purge tonight. Why??? BECAUSE I'M CHOOSING NOT TO!!!!! I'm not going to overexercise at the gym tonight either. I'm going to sit with my feelings and eat my snack, as planned.
My mind tells me that I REALLY don't want to do this, but my truth tells me that I really want to be abstinent.
Recovery is about honesty. As a colleague used to say to our clients, "We don't get honest to get what we want. We get honest to get what we need. Ya know, I really hate honesty at times.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Self Soothing... hard concept for EDs
Why, or perhaps I should say, how, is it that the feeling of fear or panic can strike at any moment? One minute I could be at the bookstore having a lovely time admiring and skimming through dozens of books, and the next minute I'm in complete fear. Or, I could be walking down the street on a perfectly sunny NYC day, and all of a sudden, wham!, I feel completely alone, unsafe, and on the verge of tears. These feelings aren't cause by anything external, but rather, feelings that sit in the depths of my soul and permeate through my psyche--their only release coming in the form of a panic attack or a heavy crying spell.
Does this ever happen to you? My instinct tells me I'm not alone in this.
Immediately, when this happens, I call my therapist for security. It's interesting that my first thought is to reach for something or someone external. It used to be food, now it's my therapist. The only things more soothing are my iPhone or shopping at Anthropologie. As a person who has been through hospitilizations, day treatments, outpatient, long-term residential, years of 12-Step, and more, it is somewhat disheartening that I haven't been able to sharpen my ability to "self-soothe," one of the many palliative prescriptions recommended by H, my therapist.
Once again, this shows me how there are SOOOO many levels to this eating disorder. Actually, this has NOTHING to do with the ED itself; these are the feelings that led me to seek out ED in the first place. It's amazing how powerful feelings can be, isn't it? After all, rationale tells me, Feelings Aren't Facts, but when you're living in a state of fear, it's rarely rational... at least, that's what I've learned.
...Just one more piece of evidence that proves that the ED and all of it's pathological accoutrements are, indeed, a disease (or, at the very least, dis-ease) of the mind.
More on this later
Does this ever happen to you? My instinct tells me I'm not alone in this.
Immediately, when this happens, I call my therapist for security. It's interesting that my first thought is to reach for something or someone external. It used to be food, now it's my therapist. The only things more soothing are my iPhone or shopping at Anthropologie. As a person who has been through hospitilizations, day treatments, outpatient, long-term residential, years of 12-Step, and more, it is somewhat disheartening that I haven't been able to sharpen my ability to "self-soothe," one of the many palliative prescriptions recommended by H, my therapist.
Once again, this shows me how there are SOOOO many levels to this eating disorder. Actually, this has NOTHING to do with the ED itself; these are the feelings that led me to seek out ED in the first place. It's amazing how powerful feelings can be, isn't it? After all, rationale tells me, Feelings Aren't Facts, but when you're living in a state of fear, it's rarely rational... at least, that's what I've learned.
...Just one more piece of evidence that proves that the ED and all of it's pathological accoutrements are, indeed, a disease (or, at the very least, dis-ease) of the mind.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
The Three P's of Inaction
In our session yesterday, my T told me that I was suffering from "The Three P's"--Perfectionism, Procrastination, and Paralysis. Oh, how right she is.
For literally weeks now, I've been procrastinating about an article that I'm writing for my school. Typically, I love to write; however, because I will get paid/published for this article, and because this article is for a professor at a prestigious university, I've become paralyzed to write it.
It's amazing how something like an article can make the three p's show up in all parts of my life. I haven't been able to call people back or get my list of things done. I don't feel like going to work. I haven't been writing on my blog (sorry!) Of course, the impending guilt, which perpetuates the three p's' cycle, doesn't help matters.
Naturally, my mind tries to distract itself by shifting to FOOD chatter... I need to lose weight, cut my calories, join the new gym so I can compulsively exercise, blah blah, blah.
Today, luckily, I woke up feeling less stuck in the grips of the three evil p's.
Today I know that focusing on my food and body won't get my list of things done, or that article written. It will only help me to procrastinate longer and feel more guilty--both of which are great set-ups for a binge/purge--the ultimate sabotage.
For literally weeks now, I've been procrastinating about an article that I'm writing for my school. Typically, I love to write; however, because I will get paid/published for this article, and because this article is for a professor at a prestigious university, I've become paralyzed to write it.
It's amazing how something like an article can make the three p's show up in all parts of my life. I haven't been able to call people back or get my list of things done. I don't feel like going to work. I haven't been writing on my blog (sorry!) Of course, the impending guilt, which perpetuates the three p's' cycle, doesn't help matters.
Naturally, my mind tries to distract itself by shifting to FOOD chatter... I need to lose weight, cut my calories, join the new gym so I can compulsively exercise, blah blah, blah.
Today, luckily, I woke up feeling less stuck in the grips of the three evil p's.
Today I know that focusing on my food and body won't get my list of things done, or that article written. It will only help me to procrastinate longer and feel more guilty--both of which are great set-ups for a binge/purge--the ultimate sabotage.
Monday, July 6, 2009
The Helix of Old Wounds
A few months ago, I moved back to NYC. Prior to the move, I'd been telling my therapy group that I knew I'd be getting back into meetings, as the recovery is amazingly strong in the city. Before my arrival, I'd envisioned that when I came back to my "home group" (from 8 years ago), I'd walk into a room of familiar faces... faces that would remember me.
As soon as I arrived in the city, I went back to my home group. The room had changed. Gone were the old spongy donated couches I used to sit on. The room had been painted and cleaned of clutter, the only remaining furniture was a circle of chairs. I recognized one person. And they didn't recognize me. My ego was, at the very least, humbled... Since then, I've been going to the same Sunday meeting for the last couple of months--I haven't exactly jumped into meetings; I'm slowly integrating myself back.
So, this past week, I made a few phone calls to people from the Sunday meeting, and I was amazed (hurt, baffled, pissed, etc.) that they didn't know who I was! Call it a case of an "egomaniac with an inferiority complex," but I (or rather, my ego) felt extremely hurt by this. Hadn't I dazzled them enough with my shares (Ha,ha)? How could they not remember who I was, when I talked to them after the meeting, albeit a brief encounter? My HP is probably laughing at me...
Yesterday, I returned to the meeting. I felt this extreme sadness throughout, and while I should've shared, I didn't. Rather, after the meeting, when a woman I knew at the meeting asked me how I was, I became a volcano of sadness, my tears erupting and pouring out everywhere. The embarrassing thing for me was that my sadness was triggered by these phone calls, something seemingly small.
The issue is that it brought up this feeling of not being a part of, which is something I'd felt throughout my life. Nobody knew me, I didn't count. I was invisible. I wasn't a part of this recovery clique... blah, blah, blah.
Now I know these are wounds from the girl I once was, and this is a perfect example of how old wounds never dissipate entirely; rather, like my therapist says, our issues resurface like a helix: they will come up again and again, but, over time, they will have less intensity, as you work through them. But they always resurface. That has definitely proven to be true for me. Where, at one time, certain issues would be emotionally debilitating to me, today, they may cause pain for a few hours or a day, but then I move on.
So, for today, I will try not to have expectations about how people will (or how I think they should) react to me.
As soon as I arrived in the city, I went back to my home group. The room had changed. Gone were the old spongy donated couches I used to sit on. The room had been painted and cleaned of clutter, the only remaining furniture was a circle of chairs. I recognized one person. And they didn't recognize me. My ego was, at the very least, humbled... Since then, I've been going to the same Sunday meeting for the last couple of months--I haven't exactly jumped into meetings; I'm slowly integrating myself back.
So, this past week, I made a few phone calls to people from the Sunday meeting, and I was amazed (hurt, baffled, pissed, etc.) that they didn't know who I was! Call it a case of an "egomaniac with an inferiority complex," but I (or rather, my ego) felt extremely hurt by this. Hadn't I dazzled them enough with my shares (Ha,ha)? How could they not remember who I was, when I talked to them after the meeting, albeit a brief encounter? My HP is probably laughing at me...
Yesterday, I returned to the meeting. I felt this extreme sadness throughout, and while I should've shared, I didn't. Rather, after the meeting, when a woman I knew at the meeting asked me how I was, I became a volcano of sadness, my tears erupting and pouring out everywhere. The embarrassing thing for me was that my sadness was triggered by these phone calls, something seemingly small.
The issue is that it brought up this feeling of not being a part of, which is something I'd felt throughout my life. Nobody knew me, I didn't count. I was invisible. I wasn't a part of this recovery clique... blah, blah, blah.
Now I know these are wounds from the girl I once was, and this is a perfect example of how old wounds never dissipate entirely; rather, like my therapist says, our issues resurface like a helix: they will come up again and again, but, over time, they will have less intensity, as you work through them. But they always resurface. That has definitely proven to be true for me. Where, at one time, certain issues would be emotionally debilitating to me, today, they may cause pain for a few hours or a day, but then I move on.
So, for today, I will try not to have expectations about how people will (or how I think they should) react to me.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Conscious Contact with Reality
Hi Everyone,
Today I'm focusing on "reality," which is something ED hates. Reality tells me that it's okay to be a "normal" weight, and reminds me that while the isolation of living in the ED mindset can feel comforting and powerful, it is all an illusion... the same way our minds play tricks on us to tell us we're fat.
Reality, for me, is about honesty. I know I post a lot about honesty, but isn't that what it's all about? When I tell myself, "It's okay, you don't need to eat," when I'm physically hungry, or when I tell myself, "Just finish the rest, you can start again tomorrow," when I'm holding my stomach because I'm clearly full, I'm not living an honest recovery.
Today, I'm trying to live in reality and listen to what the quiet ED voices in my head are saying, because when I listen to the subtle voices--the voices that seem like no big deal, but could actually be the most seductive, insidious, and manipulative voices--I eventually start listening to the overt ED messages that send me straight to the grocery store or to the toilet.
For today, having conscious contact with reality means to eat what's on my food plan, don't listen to ED voices that will only sabotage my recovery and make me feel guilty, and to have the COURAGE to either pick up or put down the fork when I cross over to emotional eating.
Recovery teaches me everyday that it is really just one day at a time.
Today I'm focusing on "reality," which is something ED hates. Reality tells me that it's okay to be a "normal" weight, and reminds me that while the isolation of living in the ED mindset can feel comforting and powerful, it is all an illusion... the same way our minds play tricks on us to tell us we're fat.
Reality, for me, is about honesty. I know I post a lot about honesty, but isn't that what it's all about? When I tell myself, "It's okay, you don't need to eat," when I'm physically hungry, or when I tell myself, "Just finish the rest, you can start again tomorrow," when I'm holding my stomach because I'm clearly full, I'm not living an honest recovery.
Today, I'm trying to live in reality and listen to what the quiet ED voices in my head are saying, because when I listen to the subtle voices--the voices that seem like no big deal, but could actually be the most seductive, insidious, and manipulative voices--I eventually start listening to the overt ED messages that send me straight to the grocery store or to the toilet.
For today, having conscious contact with reality means to eat what's on my food plan, don't listen to ED voices that will only sabotage my recovery and make me feel guilty, and to have the COURAGE to either pick up or put down the fork when I cross over to emotional eating.
Recovery teaches me everyday that it is really just one day at a time.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Hunger is... okay.
It's funny... prior to recovery, I spent so many years vacillating from bingeing and purging to starving myself, intentionally trying to feel physically empty. Yet, in recovery, I've become afraid to feel that which I used to crave... hunger. It's not the type of thing where I'm afraid to feel the grumbling in my stomach before a meal; actually, now that I'm writing, I'm not even sure that it's fear...
At the treatment centers I so humbly crawled to in the summer of 2001, we ate in an extremely regimented way (of course), being served up breakfast, lunch, dinner... and meta. Meta, or metabolic, went against the grain of every eating disordered bone in my body. Eat a snack before bed to regulate blood sugar? Moreover, it went against the dogmas of the most popular diets, which told me not to eat past eight in the evening, or no carbs past the afternoon. Dogmas that even Oprah buys into.
I'd always prided myself on going to bed on an empty stomach, hoping that I'd wake up (and feel) one more pound lighter. Just one more, and I'll feel okay about myself.
Ever since my discharge from the rehabs that saved my life, I've eaten meta every night. It's a great plan. That said, the compulsive eater in me sends warning signals to my brain if I don't eat meta, or if I don't eat every 4-5 hours the way I've been conditioned to eat.
So, yesterday, after some probing questions from my therapist, I found myself at another level of honesty in my recovery. What I know is that I don't have to always eat something just because my brain tells me I should. Now, DO NOT get this confused with some type of anorexic cognitive distortion--this is hardly that. This is me being honest with myself about the fact that I still emotionally eat, in small doses.
I've been complaining (for years) that I just want to eat cleanly. I'll eat cleanly for the entire day, and then at the end of the night, I'll eat something--that "thing" that I'm hoping will make me feel "whatever," but in actuality makes me feel guilty and increases my self-loathing--I don't really need, just to sabotage me, mentally.
Well, I'm happy to report that last night, I, finally, went to bed without sabotaging myself! It was a little uncomfortable to go to bed without the maladaptive comfort of knowing I screwed up my perfectly clean abstinence yet again. But today, I feel so happy that I honored self-honesty.
This has triggered many thoughts and questions... I'd like to be able to not have to rely on "perfect" abstinence in order to feel good about my recovery. That's very black and white, eating disordered thinking. I wonder if anyone reading this has come to a mental middle ground with their recovery? More next post...
At the treatment centers I so humbly crawled to in the summer of 2001, we ate in an extremely regimented way (of course), being served up breakfast, lunch, dinner... and meta. Meta, or metabolic, went against the grain of every eating disordered bone in my body. Eat a snack before bed to regulate blood sugar? Moreover, it went against the dogmas of the most popular diets, which told me not to eat past eight in the evening, or no carbs past the afternoon. Dogmas that even Oprah buys into.
I'd always prided myself on going to bed on an empty stomach, hoping that I'd wake up (and feel) one more pound lighter. Just one more, and I'll feel okay about myself.
Ever since my discharge from the rehabs that saved my life, I've eaten meta every night. It's a great plan. That said, the compulsive eater in me sends warning signals to my brain if I don't eat meta, or if I don't eat every 4-5 hours the way I've been conditioned to eat.
So, yesterday, after some probing questions from my therapist, I found myself at another level of honesty in my recovery. What I know is that I don't have to always eat something just because my brain tells me I should. Now, DO NOT get this confused with some type of anorexic cognitive distortion--this is hardly that. This is me being honest with myself about the fact that I still emotionally eat, in small doses.
I've been complaining (for years) that I just want to eat cleanly. I'll eat cleanly for the entire day, and then at the end of the night, I'll eat something--that "thing" that I'm hoping will make me feel "whatever," but in actuality makes me feel guilty and increases my self-loathing--I don't really need, just to sabotage me, mentally.
Well, I'm happy to report that last night, I, finally, went to bed without sabotaging myself! It was a little uncomfortable to go to bed without the maladaptive comfort of knowing I screwed up my perfectly clean abstinence yet again. But today, I feel so happy that I honored self-honesty.
This has triggered many thoughts and questions... I'd like to be able to not have to rely on "perfect" abstinence in order to feel good about my recovery. That's very black and white, eating disordered thinking. I wonder if anyone reading this has come to a mental middle ground with their recovery? More next post...
Thursday, June 4, 2009
The Forgettable Face of Honesty
The last week has been somewhat of a controlled food frenzy. I didn't go binge or anything, but I had several consecutive days of eating whatever. This is where my abstinence can get tricky, because I can, basically, eat whatever I want... in small doses.
After a while of eating freely, though, I accumulate both a mental and physical buildup, which leaves me feeling guilty and fat. This is never a good pattern for me to fall into. It has, in the past, been a setup for relapse. So, today, I knew I'd have to get honest with myself, and employ more structure to my food plan.
If I've learned anything throughout my recovery journey, it's that I can use as many tools as I want to--going to meetings, using a food plan, picking up the telephone, sponsorship, using a treatment team, etc.--BUT, none of them really matter if I'm not honest with myself.
I may coast on the coattails of self-will for a while, but, eventually, it will catch up to me.
While I don't attend "The Program" at present, the one phrase from the literature that never leaves my mind is the part in the Big Book stating, "There are those who are constitutionally incapable of getting honest with themselves."
That phrase snaps me back into reality, to remind me to get honest about my own level of self-honesty... if that makes any sense.
I now have a daily reminder alarm on my phone to remind me to wake-up and get honest. It's amazing how easy it is to forget about honesty! In times of stress, no, actually, ANYTIME, I can be lured by this or that food, forgetting that IF IM HONEST WITH MYSELF, then I don't really want what I'm reaching for.
What I'm craving in the moment is much deeper than food.
I've said it before, and I'm saying it again (for myself)...Self Honesty IS the BEST POLICY!!!!
After a while of eating freely, though, I accumulate both a mental and physical buildup, which leaves me feeling guilty and fat. This is never a good pattern for me to fall into. It has, in the past, been a setup for relapse. So, today, I knew I'd have to get honest with myself, and employ more structure to my food plan.
If I've learned anything throughout my recovery journey, it's that I can use as many tools as I want to--going to meetings, using a food plan, picking up the telephone, sponsorship, using a treatment team, etc.--BUT, none of them really matter if I'm not honest with myself.
I may coast on the coattails of self-will for a while, but, eventually, it will catch up to me.
While I don't attend "The Program" at present, the one phrase from the literature that never leaves my mind is the part in the Big Book stating, "There are those who are constitutionally incapable of getting honest with themselves."
That phrase snaps me back into reality, to remind me to get honest about my own level of self-honesty... if that makes any sense.
I now have a daily reminder alarm on my phone to remind me to wake-up and get honest. It's amazing how easy it is to forget about honesty! In times of stress, no, actually, ANYTIME, I can be lured by this or that food, forgetting that IF IM HONEST WITH MYSELF, then I don't really want what I'm reaching for.
What I'm craving in the moment is much deeper than food.
I've said it before, and I'm saying it again (for myself)...Self Honesty IS the BEST POLICY!!!!
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
The Discipline of Recovery
When I was in the depths of hell with my bulimia, my mother used to rant, "All you need is structure and discipline to help your habits ." Besides being completely reductive, to some extent, she was right. I didn't have structure, nor discipline; I was totally out of control.
Years later, while studying The Road Less Traveled in my philosophy class, discipline popped up again. Dr. Peck stated four components to discipline:
1. Delaying Gratification
2. Acceptance of Responsibility
3. Dedication to Truth
4. Balancing
Yesterday, I picked up the book again, and after reading about discipline, I had to get honest with myself about my own discipline, or rather, lack thereof.
While I'm very disciplined in my studies, my work, meeting deadlines, etc., I'm not disciplined at all with my food. I've always prided myself on this, because I don't want to be tethered to Tupperware containers or have to eat exactly what's on my food plan, in order to say I'm abstinent. For me, that isn't freedom. However, I feel guilty much of the time for my food choices--because I don't eat perfectly.
What does this have to do with discipline? Well... even in abstinence, I don't like to delay gratification. Because I don't have good and bad foods, I eat what I want. Rarely, do I delay gratification.
My point is that I'd like to be able to delay gratification with my food, and not eat something just because I think it will provide me with nutrition that will emotionally nurture me.
Years later, while studying The Road Less Traveled in my philosophy class, discipline popped up again. Dr. Peck stated four components to discipline:
1. Delaying Gratification
2. Acceptance of Responsibility
3. Dedication to Truth
4. Balancing
Yesterday, I picked up the book again, and after reading about discipline, I had to get honest with myself about my own discipline, or rather, lack thereof.
While I'm very disciplined in my studies, my work, meeting deadlines, etc., I'm not disciplined at all with my food. I've always prided myself on this, because I don't want to be tethered to Tupperware containers or have to eat exactly what's on my food plan, in order to say I'm abstinent. For me, that isn't freedom. However, I feel guilty much of the time for my food choices--because I don't eat perfectly.
What does this have to do with discipline? Well... even in abstinence, I don't like to delay gratification. Because I don't have good and bad foods, I eat what I want. Rarely, do I delay gratification.
My point is that I'd like to be able to delay gratification with my food, and not eat something just because I think it will provide me with nutrition that will emotionally nurture me.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Connecting With Others
I don't know about you, but one of the main purposes for my eating disorder was that I was, essentially, trying to connect with others. It seems ironic, as my eating disorder became the great divider in any relationship I encountered.
On the one hand, I wanted to be by myself... please, everyone just leave me alone so I can self-destruct, please. However, one of the main catalysts for my behavior was my unquenchable thirst for a connection with others, with myself, hell, anyone, to fill the seemingly infinite emptiness (or loneliness) I felt.
In early recovery, I learned that the wounds from lost connections of family members, or others, could be healed, to some degree, by others. Not in a pathological, codependent way. Rather, a supportive way. In essence, I could create a new, almost like a surrogate, family that could help me get my lost childhood and stunted developmental needs met. I was told that creating this new family and leaning on others would help me learn to take care of my own needs. There's really much more to this, but I'm sure you get the gist.
The people who told me all of this were so right. While I still have days when I feel emotionally dehydrated, I'm not the emotional sponge I once was. I don't need people the way I once did, mainly, because the people in my life are constants. I don't have to worry that they will abandon me if I don't see them everyday. Not only do the people in my life fulfill a need in me, but, I fulfill a need in them... in a healthy way.
More on this later...
On the one hand, I wanted to be by myself... please, everyone just leave me alone so I can self-destruct, please. However, one of the main catalysts for my behavior was my unquenchable thirst for a connection with others, with myself, hell, anyone, to fill the seemingly infinite emptiness (or loneliness) I felt.
In early recovery, I learned that the wounds from lost connections of family members, or others, could be healed, to some degree, by others. Not in a pathological, codependent way. Rather, a supportive way. In essence, I could create a new, almost like a surrogate, family that could help me get my lost childhood and stunted developmental needs met. I was told that creating this new family and leaning on others would help me learn to take care of my own needs. There's really much more to this, but I'm sure you get the gist.
The people who told me all of this were so right. While I still have days when I feel emotionally dehydrated, I'm not the emotional sponge I once was. I don't need people the way I once did, mainly, because the people in my life are constants. I don't have to worry that they will abandon me if I don't see them everyday. Not only do the people in my life fulfill a need in me, but, I fulfill a need in them... in a healthy way.
More on this later...
Monday, May 18, 2009
Being Gentle Wth Myself
My therapist keeps reminding me that I don't need to be so hard on myself. I often wonder what it would be like to go through my day without saying... you should've done this... if you would've only done it that way... why did you have to do X... blah, blah, blah. I don't know if there are people who walk around with clear minds, but wouldn't it be nice for one day, or rather, one hour, to have complete mental freedom? But then, I'd probably be bored. What else could I possibly have to think about, if I didn't have these mindless, all-consuming distractions?
I have this running list, both on paper and in my head, of "things to do," which helps my organization, but also fuels my self-imposed guilt. If, and when, I finish my list of things to do, offering my mind a chance to be "free" for a moment, then the body image obsession creeps in, tainting any possible relaxation for my overactive brain.
Did I mention I get headaches daily?
I constantly crave freedom from my mental obsessions, yet, because I'm unable, or rather, keep choosing to fuel these maladaptive thoughts, I beat myself up about having the thoughts--which perpetuates the unhealthy, cyclical cognitive process. Argh.
So, today, I'm going to try to be gentle with myself about these thoughts. It's my perfectionism (and my ego) that tells me I "shouldn't" be having these thoughts, and that my mind "should" be clear. Why shouldn't I have these thoughts? I was shackled by an active eating disorder for nearly 17 years... how can I think that the very thoughts and feelings that created something that lasted so long will dissipate just because I've had some abstinent time? Ahh...the joys of unrealistic expectations. Oh, how they plague me.
Today, I will PAY ATTENTION to what I'm telling myself about what I "should" and "should not" do, and then "CHOOSE" to think differently... one thought at a time.
I have this running list, both on paper and in my head, of "things to do," which helps my organization, but also fuels my self-imposed guilt. If, and when, I finish my list of things to do, offering my mind a chance to be "free" for a moment, then the body image obsession creeps in, tainting any possible relaxation for my overactive brain.
Did I mention I get headaches daily?
I constantly crave freedom from my mental obsessions, yet, because I'm unable, or rather, keep choosing to fuel these maladaptive thoughts, I beat myself up about having the thoughts--which perpetuates the unhealthy, cyclical cognitive process. Argh.
So, today, I'm going to try to be gentle with myself about these thoughts. It's my perfectionism (and my ego) that tells me I "shouldn't" be having these thoughts, and that my mind "should" be clear. Why shouldn't I have these thoughts? I was shackled by an active eating disorder for nearly 17 years... how can I think that the very thoughts and feelings that created something that lasted so long will dissipate just because I've had some abstinent time? Ahh...the joys of unrealistic expectations. Oh, how they plague me.
Today, I will PAY ATTENTION to what I'm telling myself about what I "should" and "should not" do, and then "CHOOSE" to think differently... one thought at a time.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Judgement Day
Oh, boy. I've really done it this time. Basically, a couple of posts ago--posts that I've since deleted--I spewed verbal vomit all over my blog about the two sisters I was temporarily rooming with. In the posts, I'd said some extremely judgmental things about their behaviors--behaviors reflective of my past--and, I'm sure you can see where this is going... they read them. I've completely hurt their feelings, which I feel terrible about, as they are (or were, I'm not sure at this point) two of my closest friends.
I've apologized, more than once, but I don't know what will come in the future. Being judgmental is one of my worst qualities, and I consciously work on improving it. Being that I'm going into a helping profession, I truly love to help people. As my "professional" self, I'm not judgmental; however, personally, I become judgmental when I either feel out of control or trapped, or when I've tried to help people and they repeat the unhealthy behaviors, ultimately, leaving me with the feeling of powerlessness. It's all very strange to me, because I was that person who repeated the same self-destructive behaviors, for years. I thank god that I had compassionate and patient people in my life.
It was just very difficult for me to be compassionate when I was in a situation where I didn't have space, so, to some extent, I had no choice but to witness every behavior that was going on. Typically, I don't care how obsessive or ritualistic one is (we all have certain "isms"), but after two months of living in a one-room studio and witnessing the behavior daily, I felt out of control. I couldn't change it, because I really had nowhere else to go... so, I became judgmental, because I didn't know how to handle it.
What I know, though, is as judgmental as I can be towards others, it's nothing compared to the judgment I put on myself each day. I hope my character defects are not going to cost me the friendship, but it might. This is typically when I'd repeatedly call myself a stupid fucking idiot bitch , which I've already done, but, for today, I'll try to keep the bashing to a minimum.
All I can do is try to do better the next time. Live and learn, I guess.
For today... progress, not perfection... not only in actions, but also, in attitudes.
I've apologized, more than once, but I don't know what will come in the future. Being judgmental is one of my worst qualities, and I consciously work on improving it. Being that I'm going into a helping profession, I truly love to help people. As my "professional" self, I'm not judgmental; however, personally, I become judgmental when I either feel out of control or trapped, or when I've tried to help people and they repeat the unhealthy behaviors, ultimately, leaving me with the feeling of powerlessness. It's all very strange to me, because I was that person who repeated the same self-destructive behaviors, for years. I thank god that I had compassionate and patient people in my life.
It was just very difficult for me to be compassionate when I was in a situation where I didn't have space, so, to some extent, I had no choice but to witness every behavior that was going on. Typically, I don't care how obsessive or ritualistic one is (we all have certain "isms"), but after two months of living in a one-room studio and witnessing the behavior daily, I felt out of control. I couldn't change it, because I really had nowhere else to go... so, I became judgmental, because I didn't know how to handle it.
What I know, though, is as judgmental as I can be towards others, it's nothing compared to the judgment I put on myself each day. I hope my character defects are not going to cost me the friendship, but it might. This is typically when I'd repeatedly call myself a stupid fucking idiot bitch , which I've already done, but, for today, I'll try to keep the bashing to a minimum.
All I can do is try to do better the next time. Live and learn, I guess.
For today... progress, not perfection... not only in actions, but also, in attitudes.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
stomach, not hunger, pangs
The one thing that still plagues me is being able to feel my stomach. If you looked at me, you wouldn't think I'd have a reason to be as aware as I am about the area of space that exists between my sternum and hip bones. But I do.
It's not that I have excess fat rolls on my stomach, because I don't. But, because I'm a former professional dancer, I didn't have excesses of anything, whether it be skin or fat, until I was 28 years old. Just to prove to myself that I'm not as fat as I feel, I've spent much time standing in front of various mirrors taking pictures of myself with my iphone(of my backside, which makes aiming the camera a challenge). Every time, I'm shocked when my, seemingly, larger-than-life "love handles" are not as large as they feel.
The thing is that while I've come to accept my "healthy" self, I've yet to embrace how my healthier self feels when I put on fitted clothing, when I sit, and how it feels before, during, and after I eat.
I know, though, like everything else that has dissipated after I've practiced acceptance long enough, this will, too (I hope).
After all... why is it so bad to be able to feel my stomach? Where did I learn that it wasn't okay?
It's not that I have excess fat rolls on my stomach, because I don't. But, because I'm a former professional dancer, I didn't have excesses of anything, whether it be skin or fat, until I was 28 years old. Just to prove to myself that I'm not as fat as I feel, I've spent much time standing in front of various mirrors taking pictures of myself with my iphone(of my backside, which makes aiming the camera a challenge). Every time, I'm shocked when my, seemingly, larger-than-life "love handles" are not as large as they feel.
The thing is that while I've come to accept my "healthy" self, I've yet to embrace how my healthier self feels when I put on fitted clothing, when I sit, and how it feels before, during, and after I eat.
I know, though, like everything else that has dissipated after I've practiced acceptance long enough, this will, too (I hope).
After all... why is it so bad to be able to feel my stomach? Where did I learn that it wasn't okay?
Friday, March 13, 2009
"That" Time of the Month
Ah, yes, it's that glorious "time of the month," when all I do is crave chocolate and feel bloated. While virtually every woman has these symptoms, eating disordered women, no matter what stage of recovery one is in, have to be especially careful.
Every month it sneaks up on me. For the last couple of days, I've been "feeling" fat and wondering why my stomach is so bloated when I've been eating so "good." Not to mention, I just moved back to NYC, so all I've been doing is walking around and climbing subway stairways. (Even in recovery, I've secretly hoped that this extra activity might "accidentally" cause me to lose weight). Although I never want to be anorexic again, and I'm SERIOUS about this, even in recovery, I still think I'd "feel better" if I'd lose "just a little" weight. I don't know if any other recovering EDs feel this way, but I do.
Anyhoo, I've eaten chocolate two days in a row, which is okay--I eat whatever I want. But, what rankles me is that in this stage of recovery, I don't want to give into cravings because it's my "time of the month."
This type of thinking gets kind of sticky because, in reality (at least mine), I know that it's okay if I eat chocolate or anything I desire. But my perfectionism, which wants me to have "perfect abstinence," creates a guilt complex every time I engage in any type of food that isn't perfectly "clean." Once again, I've engaged in the EDMF (eating disorder mind f**k).
If nothing else, the eating disorder keeps my mind agile--I think my brain may need treatment for compulsive exercising!
Every month it sneaks up on me. For the last couple of days, I've been "feeling" fat and wondering why my stomach is so bloated when I've been eating so "good." Not to mention, I just moved back to NYC, so all I've been doing is walking around and climbing subway stairways. (Even in recovery, I've secretly hoped that this extra activity might "accidentally" cause me to lose weight). Although I never want to be anorexic again, and I'm SERIOUS about this, even in recovery, I still think I'd "feel better" if I'd lose "just a little" weight. I don't know if any other recovering EDs feel this way, but I do.
Anyhoo, I've eaten chocolate two days in a row, which is okay--I eat whatever I want. But, what rankles me is that in this stage of recovery, I don't want to give into cravings because it's my "time of the month."
This type of thinking gets kind of sticky because, in reality (at least mine), I know that it's okay if I eat chocolate or anything I desire. But my perfectionism, which wants me to have "perfect abstinence," creates a guilt complex every time I engage in any type of food that isn't perfectly "clean." Once again, I've engaged in the EDMF (eating disorder mind f**k).
If nothing else, the eating disorder keeps my mind agile--I think my brain may need treatment for compulsive exercising!
Friday, March 6, 2009
The Big Apple...Oh, How Sweet It Is!
I can't believe I'm actually back in NYC! The last time I lived here, 8 years ago, I was at the pinnacle of my dance career. Unfortunately, my bulimia was building an impressive resume as well. Back then, I spent every hour, every minute, and every second of my existence obsessing about food, inhaling bags and boxes of this food or that food, and hunching over the toilet (or anything that could hold vomit) to undue the damage done by my "lack of willpower," the culprit of my problems.
While my disordered eating caused me to give away my dance career, I have the fortunate opportunity of being granted a "do-over"--not with my dance career, but rather, with graduate school, and living in my favorite city the way I originally envisioned it... abstinent.
So, now that I've been here for, oh, three days, I can say things are definitely different. I am present. I am not obsessing about food. I am not bingeing and purging. I am not spending my days comparing myself to the skinnier women who pass me on the streets (well, maybe a little). I am no longer looking for "thinspiration."
It's funny how, over time, abstinent eating causes one's perspective to change. Anorexia is no longer attractive to me, nor is it a goal I aspire to obtain.
Today I get to taste life...oh, how sweet it is.
While my disordered eating caused me to give away my dance career, I have the fortunate opportunity of being granted a "do-over"--not with my dance career, but rather, with graduate school, and living in my favorite city the way I originally envisioned it... abstinent.
So, now that I've been here for, oh, three days, I can say things are definitely different. I am present. I am not obsessing about food. I am not bingeing and purging. I am not spending my days comparing myself to the skinnier women who pass me on the streets (well, maybe a little). I am no longer looking for "thinspiration."
It's funny how, over time, abstinent eating causes one's perspective to change. Anorexia is no longer attractive to me, nor is it a goal I aspire to obtain.
Today I get to taste life...oh, how sweet it is.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Silent Struggles
Today I feel so grateful for my eating disorder recovery because of the opportunity presented to be of service to others. Today I received an email from a woman I used to teach dance to, now a friend, who confided in me about her silent struggle with an eating disorder. I had no idea. It's one of those things that I can look back at and say I get it. I wish I would've seen it sooner. Hindsight is 20/20 though I guess. The email triggered so much for me...empathy, sympathy, sadness, both for her and for me, as well as gratitude. I feel so lucky to be out of the constant mind-fucks and madness that accompanies eating disorders, and lucky to have someone ask for my experience, strength, and hope. Mostly, it was a reminder of how behind the smiles and facades of happiness that EDs so elegantly wear, we really never know just whom is struggling with an eating disorder in silence.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Fattest Cities in America
Hi All,
So, Miami has won the "Fattest City in America" contest, according to Men's Health Magazine. Where does your city fit in? (look below)
Some of the results were surprising. I live in Tampa, #23 on the Top Fittest, I grew up in Kansas City, #25 on the Top Fattest, and I'm moving back to NYC, #5 on the Top Fattest (the shocker for me).
There should be a list for the top cities for eating disorders and recovery.
Top Fittest Cities
1. Salt Lake City, UT
2. Colorado Springs, CO
3. Minneapolis, MN
4. Denver, CO
5. Albuquerque, NM
6. Portland, OR
7. Honolulu, HI
8. Seattle, WA
9. Omaha, NE
10. Virginia Beach, VA
11. Milwaukee, WI
12. San Francisco, CA
13. Tucson, AZ
14. Boston, MA
15. Cleveland, OH
16. St. Louis, MO
17. Austin, TX
18. Washington, DC
19. Sacramento, CA
20. Oakland, CA
21. Atlanta, GA
22. Fresno, CA
23. Tampa, FL
24. Nashville-Davidson, TN
25. Pittsburgh, PA
Top Fattest Cities
1. Miami, FL
2. Oklahoma City, OK
3. San Antonio, TX
4. Las Vegas, NV
5. New York, NY
6. Houston, TX
7. El Paso, TX
8. Jacksonville, FL
9. Charlotte, NC
10. Louisville-Jefferson, KY
11. Memphis, TN
12. Detroit, MI
13. Chicago, IL
14. Dallas-Fort Worth, TX
15. San Jose, CA
16. Tulsa, OK
17. Baltimore, MD
18. Columbus, OH
19. Raleigh, NC
20. Philadelphia, PA
21. L.A.-Long Beach, CA
22. Phoenix-Mesa, AZ
23. Indianapolis, IN
24. San Diego, CA
25. Kansas City, MO
How did your city do?
So, Miami has won the "Fattest City in America" contest, according to Men's Health Magazine. Where does your city fit in? (look below)
Some of the results were surprising. I live in Tampa, #23 on the Top Fittest, I grew up in Kansas City, #25 on the Top Fattest, and I'm moving back to NYC, #5 on the Top Fattest (the shocker for me).
There should be a list for the top cities for eating disorders and recovery.
Top Fittest Cities
1. Salt Lake City, UT
2. Colorado Springs, CO
3. Minneapolis, MN
4. Denver, CO
5. Albuquerque, NM
6. Portland, OR
7. Honolulu, HI
8. Seattle, WA
9. Omaha, NE
10. Virginia Beach, VA
11. Milwaukee, WI
12. San Francisco, CA
13. Tucson, AZ
14. Boston, MA
15. Cleveland, OH
16. St. Louis, MO
17. Austin, TX
18. Washington, DC
19. Sacramento, CA
20. Oakland, CA
21. Atlanta, GA
22. Fresno, CA
23. Tampa, FL
24. Nashville-Davidson, TN
25. Pittsburgh, PA
Top Fattest Cities
1. Miami, FL
2. Oklahoma City, OK
3. San Antonio, TX
4. Las Vegas, NV
5. New York, NY
6. Houston, TX
7. El Paso, TX
8. Jacksonville, FL
9. Charlotte, NC
10. Louisville-Jefferson, KY
11. Memphis, TN
12. Detroit, MI
13. Chicago, IL
14. Dallas-Fort Worth, TX
15. San Jose, CA
16. Tulsa, OK
17. Baltimore, MD
18. Columbus, OH
19. Raleigh, NC
20. Philadelphia, PA
21. L.A.-Long Beach, CA
22. Phoenix-Mesa, AZ
23. Indianapolis, IN
24. San Diego, CA
25. Kansas City, MO
How did your city do?
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Recovery or Recovered?
A couple of years ago, I volunteered at a nonprofit eating disorder organization, USF Hope House for Eating Disorders. Upon meeting me, the director posed the question, "Do you think it's possible to be "recovered" from an eating disorder?"
With all of my OA program knowledge, and knowing that her program wasn't 12-Step based, instantly I replied, "No." Was she serious? Recover from an eating disorder? I had learned better.
Since then, I have questioned the term "recovered" often. "Recovered" could be rather subjective, depending on who you ask.
Does "recovered" mean that you just don't indulge in bingeing, purging, starving, or compulsive exercising anymore?
Does "recovered" mean that in addition to the above, you also never have another ED thought again?
How do we measure "recovered?"
"Recovery," on the other hand, while a humbling state of mind, could feel insecure to those who believe in "recovered," because it suggests a lack of permanence. One must watch their back at all times because the disease is always lurking around the corner, patiently waiting.
I don't have the answers, but what I do know is that over the last 15 years, I've met more and more people who believe they are "recovered." While I don't believe myself to be "recovered" because of all the mental hangups I still buy into when it comes to body image and food, I don't necessarily believe that anorexia and bulimia are diseases...in the same way that compulsive overeating mimics the disease model of addiction.
...To be continued.
With all of my OA program knowledge, and knowing that her program wasn't 12-Step based, instantly I replied, "No." Was she serious? Recover from an eating disorder? I had learned better.
Since then, I have questioned the term "recovered" often. "Recovered" could be rather subjective, depending on who you ask.
Does "recovered" mean that you just don't indulge in bingeing, purging, starving, or compulsive exercising anymore?
Does "recovered" mean that in addition to the above, you also never have another ED thought again?
How do we measure "recovered?"
"Recovery," on the other hand, while a humbling state of mind, could feel insecure to those who believe in "recovered," because it suggests a lack of permanence. One must watch their back at all times because the disease is always lurking around the corner, patiently waiting.
I don't have the answers, but what I do know is that over the last 15 years, I've met more and more people who believe they are "recovered." While I don't believe myself to be "recovered" because of all the mental hangups I still buy into when it comes to body image and food, I don't necessarily believe that anorexia and bulimia are diseases...in the same way that compulsive overeating mimics the disease model of addiction.
...To be continued.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
The Conundrum of Recovery
I remember a therapist, many actually, telling me that for every year I put into my eating disorder, it would take the same amount of time to get to the same level of progression in recovery. 17 years? I didn't want to believe it, but as the years pass, I think to some extent the theory might prove true.
While I've been a longstanding member in the rooms of OA, at present(and for the last 3 years), I don't go. I'm somewhat of the atypical (not in a 'terminally unique' way) OA-er in that I eat anything I want, hence my blog title. Moreover, my abstinence has never been better.
With that said, there are myriad layers of recovery...defining recovery as finding serenity with food and body image.
This is where I am. I don't binge and purge or starve--haven't for a long time (yea!). However, I still have a mild obsession about when and what I will eat. I still look in the mirror to see if my "fat" has shifted or grown in any area. The difference today being that I can still leave the house if I "feel" fat.
What plagues me the most in this part of my recovery is that I still eat to comfort myself on some level. I hate this because, of course, I want to have perfect abstinence. I want never to "need" food. Even people without EDs eat for comfort from time to time.
The conundrum is that while I can let dualistic and distorted thinking impede on my serenity--the same thinking that drove me to the grocery store day after day for nearly 20 years--it is far less emotionally crippling. It's kind of like, so what? Life goes on. I don't know how my mentality has changed, but I can only attribute it to this process of recovery my therapist mentioned years back.
Cliche for the day: Recovery is not a destination. It's a process and a journey.
While I've been a longstanding member in the rooms of OA, at present(and for the last 3 years), I don't go. I'm somewhat of the atypical (not in a 'terminally unique' way) OA-er in that I eat anything I want, hence my blog title. Moreover, my abstinence has never been better.
With that said, there are myriad layers of recovery...defining recovery as finding serenity with food and body image.
This is where I am. I don't binge and purge or starve--haven't for a long time (yea!). However, I still have a mild obsession about when and what I will eat. I still look in the mirror to see if my "fat" has shifted or grown in any area. The difference today being that I can still leave the house if I "feel" fat.
What plagues me the most in this part of my recovery is that I still eat to comfort myself on some level. I hate this because, of course, I want to have perfect abstinence. I want never to "need" food. Even people without EDs eat for comfort from time to time.
The conundrum is that while I can let dualistic and distorted thinking impede on my serenity--the same thinking that drove me to the grocery store day after day for nearly 20 years--it is far less emotionally crippling. It's kind of like, so what? Life goes on. I don't know how my mentality has changed, but I can only attribute it to this process of recovery my therapist mentioned years back.
Cliche for the day: Recovery is not a destination. It's a process and a journey.
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