![[Valid Atom 1.0]](valid-atom.png "Validate my Atom 1.0 feed")
Yesterday, I returned from a week-long Christmas vacation in Kansas City and Tampa. After flying on the worst flight of my life, I wasn't sure if I'd ever make it home. The flight was so turbulent that people all around me were puking in barf bags. It was kind of ironic... a bulimic (in recovery) on a plane where everyone else is puking. If that would've happened years ago, I probably would have acted sick, utilizing those bags myself.
Now back in the city, I've decided to conquer another level of the ED--mental reconditioning. I've blogged before about how I feel guilty for not sticking to my food plan, even though I know I don't have to stick to it perfectly. Recovery is, after all, about balance. But I'm just sick of feeling guilty about it. So, I have two choices: 1.)Stop feeling guilty; 2.) Stick to my food plan. Because I don't know how to stop feeling guilty and can't seem to internalize imperfect abstinence, then my only option is to stick to my food plan.
Usually, I stick to my food plan all day, and then at night I'll eat something unplanned. It isn't because I'm hungry. I get anxiety about eating what I planned. Why? I don't think there is any deeply-rooted reason. I think it's just because I'm not practiced in eating only what's on my food plan. My mind is conditioned to eat off of my food plan. I need to condition it to do the opposite.
So, for today, I'm going to try it.
I'll let you know tomorrow how Day 1 went!!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
3 comments:
Do you find that sticking exactly to the food plan is enabling ED behavior even more? When I was on a food plan, even a loosely structured one, I tended to apply ED behaviors to it ... i.e., I don't want to disappoint my nutritionist because I "fail" by not sticking to my plan. Eventually, she put me on a strictly intuitive program, and I've succeeded far more. I was just wondering if someone else felt that same anxiety when looking at that weekly list.
I've tried not to have a strict eating plan for couple of days and I've eaten a lot better. I still plan a bit but I've left some room for changes cause I can't always control how things go. So I'm doing your number 1, trying not to feel guilty. :)
HI, I really like your blog and feel as though I can relate to it more so than others. Thank you.
Before christmas i was recovered for a few months and it was amazing. Now however, Im back in my old ways, back to where I was in the worst of times. In one sense I feel like I see the light and I can do it, but then I just get so freaked out about gaining weight. I know its bad but I cant help it, I prefer myself thin!
Anyway, the reason Im writing is because you spoke about meal plans and I was wondering if you might share some examples of a typical day. It sounds so hilarious to write this but I am literally afraid of bread and carbs. And of course certain things are triggers... what kind of meal plan did you make when you were first recovering? At the moment even one calorie gives me anxiety.
Nevertheless, I know I can do it if I exercise, turn the ed part my mind off and just try and eat normally. i guess I just need a little help and I would so appreciate yours.
Sincerely,
An
Post a Comment