Opening a Window of Opportunity

Countless number of times when active in the eating disorder, I'd have a thought to use an eating disorder symptom and, before I knew it, I'd be standing in a grocery store buying binge food or find myself in a bathroom, unable to account for the time that lapsed between the thought of using the eating disorder and the action. As if I'd had tunnel vision, my consciousness only able to see the option of using eating disorder symptoms for dealing with my emotions.

Working as a psychotherapist, I hear this story day after day from clients. I often will retrace the steps of a client's slip, only to hear her unclear as to how she arrived at her symptomatic state, which seems to create an added layer of guilt and hopelessness much of the time. As if it was just something that "happened" to her and all of a sudden she was in relapsive behavior. I truly empathize with my clients in these moments, as it can feel like such a state of self-defeat.

Perhaps the most important thing I learned in early recovery was that my thought did not have to lead to an action. I learned that I needed to create a window of space, an opportunity that gave me time to collect my often-irrational and emotionally-charged thoughts and actually CHOOSE a way to deal with the situation, urge, or feeling with adaptive coping skills instead of self-destructive behaviors.

In order to do this I had to:

1. Be mindful of what was happening with me internally.
2. I had to literally stop and become conscious of the here-and-now and acknowledge my eating disordered urges.
3. I also had to remind myself that a thought is just a thought. I am going to have these thoughts, but that does not mean I have to act on them.
4. Next, I had to make a decision and not keep entertaining the urge to use ED symptoms. A symptom cannot thrive without attending to it.
5. Once I made my decision, I then had to create a plan for what I was going to do instead of use ED symptoms. This came in the form of using healthy distractions, leaving my environment, reaching out for support, etc.
6. Finally, I had to take action and remind myself that the urge will pass, if I let it.

In order to break the eating disorder cycle, you have to be able to tolerate your emotions long enough to get to the other side of them. To know that you CAN tolerate any emotion, no matter how uncomfortable. Today, think about and write down ways you can create distance between your thoughts and actions when an urge strikes. Come up with a list of coping skills (self-talk, playing the tape through, reaching out to others, meditation, taking a gentle walk, etc.) you feel you could actually use in the moment.

As an experiment, the next time you have an urge to use ED symptoms, put your plan into action and give yourself a real window of opportunity for recovery. The window may appear to be jammed, locked, or hard to open. But you have the power to open it and create a different outcome. Eating disorders are deadly, and you never know if you will have a tomorrow to start over for. Start today--you deserve it!

Eating Disorder Transitional Living...Bridging the Gap

In an article published on May 7th, the Kansas City Star announced the opening of Thalia House, a transitional living house for women recovering from eating disorders. Given that I grew up in KC, and also the place where my eating disorder came alive, I am so excited for Thalia House's presence in the area.

When I lived in Kansas City, I had two stints at Baptist Memorial Hospital, in the eating disorder unit. The first was a 30-day stint, and the second was a 60-day stint. While I learned many tools and did not binge, purge, or starve while in the hospital, I relapsed within a couple days of discharge. The reason was not because I didn't know what I needed to do. It wasn't because I was a horrible person. It was because eating disorders are a BEAST. To go from 24-hour care to being thrown back in your old environment equates to relapse, in many cases.

What I needed was a step-down, or transitional, program. Of course, a place like Thalia House did not exist at that time. Even the few 12-Step OA meetings in the area did not really address anorexia and bulimia.

When I finally went to Sierra Tucson, a 28-day program in Arizona, they shed light on the need of the continuation of treatment. From there, I went to Turning Point of Tampa for 3 months, which was a step-down from Tucson. At Turning Point, I learned accountability for my actions and practiced being abstinent. Even after my discharge from Turning Point, I had some relapses. Eating disorders are tough. But, I practiced new behaviors, and my recovery time grew.

The person struggling with an eating disorder, family members, and even professionals often lack the knowledge or discount the power of the disease. Anyone who thinks that if you just eat X, Y, and Z three times a day then the eating disorder will go away is sorely mistaken. We don't want to admit it, face it, deal with it. But recovery requires a lot of work and SUPPORT. In this case, Ignorance is NOT Bliss.

While "sober" living houses have been around forever, primarily located near treatment centers, it's nice to see that eating disorder group homes popping up in more places. It is so needed! The ED epidemic continues to grow, and I'm guessing ED transitional living will grow, too. 'Hope so!

Natalie Portman and the Black Swan: A Perfect Performance of Insanity

Recently I saw the movie Black Swan. Besides the buzz around it, because I’m a former professional dancer, in recovery for eating disorders, and a therapist, I thought it would be the perfect movie for me to see. Yes, there was a slue of self-destruction. Yes, it portrayed the perfection requisite to a ballet career. So what?

Well, what I thought was kind of genius about the movie was how the director eternally depicted what goes on inside the unbalanced, perfectionist, eating-disordered mind. The duality of the White Swan and Black Swan characters Natalie Portman played in The Black Swan symbolized an exaggeration of the “good” and “bad” mindset I spoke about in my first post.

What I liked is that it gave the audience a real look into the mindset of self-destruction. While not everyone can relate to such a severe level of self-hatred and insanity, people do have internal battles to a lesser degree, which makes Portman’s character all the more relatable. The timing of the movie is interesting. Like the many reality shows concerning addiction and mental health on TV today, I think the fact that a movie (even if not in reality) is portraying the complete mental insanity that occurs in the perfect world of ballet, illustrates that the stigma around mental health issues are slowing diminishing. All of which is refreshing.

I’m going to see the movie again to completely wrap my brain around it.