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Throughout my ED career, whether it be in the pitfalls of relapse or the upward crawl towards recovery, I've consistently (and constantly) planned the Perfect Food Plan. Daily, I envision that if only I eat this or that and stick to my plan, I'll feel so much better about myself. Logically, perfectionistic logic that is, it makes sense... follow your plan to the letter and you'll feel better--poetic, yes, realistic... not exactly... at least not for this food addict.
I do, however, have some errors in my thinking. First, recovery is supposed to be about balance, finding the grey (and accepting it), no black and white thinking. Easier said than done. "Perfect" doesn't really fit into the category of moderation. Second, I'm still trying to define myself externally, to some extent, whether it be by how well I follow my food plan, or how much I weigh, or the size of my jeans.
While I yearn to follow a food plan so clean that even minuscule crumbs of deviation from it couldn't be picked up under the lens of a food-plan-falsifier investigator's microscope, at the end of the day, I always do something to louse it up... even in recovery. That is what is so frustrating.
Perhaps I'm being too restrictive in my food plan... Perhaps I need to give myself a break... Perhaps I need to think about what makes me so afraid to follow the food plan I devise? Ha-Ha! Yes, I think that is the issue. The easiest answer is control. But what is behind the control???
More next post... gotta go be a social work student!
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4 comments:
Perfectionist thinking never got me anything but trouble. I'm a big fan of moderation, and a huge fan of not bingeing, by any means necessary. This means I don't eat low-fat, low-carb, or even low-sugar, I just eat mostly whole foods, and much less than I used to. My weight loss has been slow but consistent, and I'm about 3 pounds from normal BMI. I don't allow myself to be crazy about food, and will actively ambush such thoughts as soon as I feel them brewing.
This is a great site. I am 55 and have struggled all my adult life (since 18) I have been in and out of therapy both one-on-one and group therapy and several other types of therapy. I truly think it is deeply imbedded psychologically in me. It has a HUGE hold. Therapy helps and I feel better about myself, but it does not last. I am my own worst enemy. I would call myself a professional puker cuz I can just bend over the toilet, think about puking and out it comes. UGH. I will put this on my favorites list because I want to read everything over and over. I do think that I am an all or nothing person/ black or white. I also think many of us bulimics have been abused. I believe that's what caused my problem of inadequacy. Bulimia is what makes me THINK that I am in control when obviously, I am totally Out of Control.
It is ok to go off course sometimes with your food plan. The important thing is that you keep going!
Hi, I just found your blog, some of your posts are so similar to what I think, do and struggle with. I find it hard to change my thinking about the eating plan too. Everything has to go perfect or else the day's been wasted, it's so frustrating.
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