Why is it that every time I work on one part of recovering from the ED, another piece of it tries to seduce me? Of course, the obvious answer is that it's a mental illness... duh. Technicalities aside, why does it have to happen that way? I mean, I work on not bingeing and purging, and all of a sudden I want to restrict. I work on not restricting, and then I want to overexercise. As soon as I make the decision to eat on my food plan, as planned, I get the urge to overeat... just a little... or restrict, just a little. And then the mental cycle starts again, which allows me to never fully be at peace. Throw any level of stress in the mix, and the entire thought train is magnified.
My ED symptoms are like small systems, interacting and taking direction from a larger system in my brain, my personal director of weight management...which takes direction from an even larger system, My Sense of Self. The surface problem is that I'm still choosing to define who I am by external qualities, like what my body looks like and what I achieve. The more deeply-rooted problems are... well, to complex to get into on this post.
The short of it is, at my core, I still feel inadequate. That doesn't mean I don't feel happy, because my life is better than ever. But at the end of the day, when I look at what motivates me, I have an invisible "I", standing for Inadequacy, slapped across my forehead, following my every move.
Throughout my recovery, professionals have told me that as long as I was active in the addiction, it takes the same amount of time to recover. I don't mean "recover" like cured from thinking about and engaging in ED behavior; I mean recovery from the arrested development and the issues that triggered the ED in the first place. I always thought that I would make faster progress... wrong. The complexities, and subsequent mind-fucks (pardon my French), of EDs are baffling.
So, I've been in a cycle of restricting for a couple of months. Not a lot, but enough to lose weight and have people notice. It's strange that I'm in this phase, because I haven't been "here" since before my bulimia started. Like many, prior to bulimia, I restricted... until I got too hungry one day, and decided to start throwing up. Of course, I'm simplifying my double-twisting dive into the abyss of the ED, but you get the point.
What's even stranger, is that I'm not restricting because I think I'm fat, and my goal is not to achieve anorexia. Also, I feel indifferent to the weight loss. I don't exactly get a high from it. On some level, I just really don't care; I know that I look fine and that I don't need to lose weight. Moreover, I want to become an eating disorder specialist some day, sooner than later, and so I don't want to ever become "sick" in that way again.
And yet, I still want to lose weight. What this shows me is that the mental dis-ease of this mental illness still has powerful ammunition, even in recovery.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
"HOW" EDs change
As a person in recovery from a long struggle with bulimia, as well as a person studying to be an addiction specialist, I often ask myself, HOW do eating disordered persons change. I know from my own experience, it has been a long process of small changes over time, which has eventually led to large life changes. But I have to wonder, when, what was it, and how did that switch go off in my brain that said, "Okay, now you are ready to take action and change." Ya know, that paradigm shift that occurs that makes one realize that they want more out of life than the ED.
Everyone has there own process, clearly. As one who wants to be an ED therapist, I have to wonder (because of my own recovery), how much does therapy actually influence that moment when people decide to take that courageous leap of faith into recovery?
When I think of my own experience, I spent many years in therapy with no real behavioral changes. Not because my therapists weren't great, but rather because I had to hold on so tightly to the false sense of control/other benefits of the eating disorder. I'm wondering if there is a therapeutic way to "speed up" the process, allowing people to see that they don't need to hang on to the ED so long. To some extent, I think it's possible--by strengthening the rational self and helping one to create a sense of self outside of the ED. Most importantly, helping one create a support system. Without a support system, we are all pretty much screwed.
On the other hand, because we are dealing with a mental disorder, which comes with firmly planted irrationalities, maybe a therapist's job is to be there to plant therapeutic seeds, so that when one is ready, then they will be able to tap into that information and use it as a tool for change.
What prompted these thoughts, I guess, is that when I see friends who are completely entrenched in this disease, I wish I could say or do something to help them get out of their own way and experience life! It's so much better than the isolation of the ED!!!! Yes, I know... I'm powerless over people, places and things.
Everyone has there own process, clearly. As one who wants to be an ED therapist, I have to wonder (because of my own recovery), how much does therapy actually influence that moment when people decide to take that courageous leap of faith into recovery?
When I think of my own experience, I spent many years in therapy with no real behavioral changes. Not because my therapists weren't great, but rather because I had to hold on so tightly to the false sense of control/other benefits of the eating disorder. I'm wondering if there is a therapeutic way to "speed up" the process, allowing people to see that they don't need to hang on to the ED so long. To some extent, I think it's possible--by strengthening the rational self and helping one to create a sense of self outside of the ED. Most importantly, helping one create a support system. Without a support system, we are all pretty much screwed.
On the other hand, because we are dealing with a mental disorder, which comes with firmly planted irrationalities, maybe a therapist's job is to be there to plant therapeutic seeds, so that when one is ready, then they will be able to tap into that information and use it as a tool for change.
What prompted these thoughts, I guess, is that when I see friends who are completely entrenched in this disease, I wish I could say or do something to help them get out of their own way and experience life! It's so much better than the isolation of the ED!!!! Yes, I know... I'm powerless over people, places and things.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Living the Dream...
Wow, I can't believe it has been this long since I last posted. I apologize, however, I have a great excuse... I'm in graduate school! I have not had a single moment to do anything outside of studying, attending my internship, and working. Anyhoo...
As I sit here, looking out of my 12th-floor apartment window, onto the drizzly streets of Broadway, I feel so grateful to be back in the city. When I left NYC 8 years ago, and carted myself off to rehab, I felt so awful that once again my eating disorder had beat me. All I ever wanted was to live in this city, free from the desire to binge and purge, so that I could live out my dreams; which, at that time, was dance. While I did do that, my entire experience was overshadowed by the cloud of dysfunction hanging over my head.
Now, I'm back, this time pursuing my MSW in clinical social work at NYU, and I have to say that life tastes pretty darn good. I don't binge and purge anymore (just for today), thankfully.
The eating disorder mindset, however, is still quite present. I feel caught between the person I was, and the person I want to become. While I know intellectually that I don't want the private hell of the eating disorder, I still have a constant desire to lose weight (don't all women--even those without disorders?). Because I have been pounding the pavement of NYC like a maniac, out of sheer business, and because I'm making better choices of not emotionally eating, I have lost weight. I think that there is nothing wrong with my body, yet, I want to lose more. This is why eating disorders are classified as a mental disease (dis-ease).
Ultimately, I don't want to lose too much, because if I look "sick," then I won't be able to work in the area of therapy I want to--working with eating disorders. So, that's what I mean when I say I'm caught between my unhealthy and healthy self.
Anyway, for today, I will eat my food as planned. For everyone (like I used to be) who doesn't trust that a food plan works, it does! In fact, many of my bulimic friends in recovery have lost weight! I know that self-knowledge avails us nothing, and that the reasons for staying in the ED extend far beyond the possibility of weight loss... so I don't mean to sound reductionist.
Well, off to do homework! I will try to post much more often.
It's so nice to be caught up in life, instead of food!!
As I sit here, looking out of my 12th-floor apartment window, onto the drizzly streets of Broadway, I feel so grateful to be back in the city. When I left NYC 8 years ago, and carted myself off to rehab, I felt so awful that once again my eating disorder had beat me. All I ever wanted was to live in this city, free from the desire to binge and purge, so that I could live out my dreams; which, at that time, was dance. While I did do that, my entire experience was overshadowed by the cloud of dysfunction hanging over my head.
Now, I'm back, this time pursuing my MSW in clinical social work at NYU, and I have to say that life tastes pretty darn good. I don't binge and purge anymore (just for today), thankfully.
The eating disorder mindset, however, is still quite present. I feel caught between the person I was, and the person I want to become. While I know intellectually that I don't want the private hell of the eating disorder, I still have a constant desire to lose weight (don't all women--even those without disorders?). Because I have been pounding the pavement of NYC like a maniac, out of sheer business, and because I'm making better choices of not emotionally eating, I have lost weight. I think that there is nothing wrong with my body, yet, I want to lose more. This is why eating disorders are classified as a mental disease (dis-ease).
Ultimately, I don't want to lose too much, because if I look "sick," then I won't be able to work in the area of therapy I want to--working with eating disorders. So, that's what I mean when I say I'm caught between my unhealthy and healthy self.
Anyway, for today, I will eat my food as planned. For everyone (like I used to be) who doesn't trust that a food plan works, it does! In fact, many of my bulimic friends in recovery have lost weight! I know that self-knowledge avails us nothing, and that the reasons for staying in the ED extend far beyond the possibility of weight loss... so I don't mean to sound reductionist.
Well, off to do homework! I will try to post much more often.
It's so nice to be caught up in life, instead of food!!
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Living Within the Parameters of Imperfect Abstinence...An Interesting Dilemma
When I think of "abstinence," as I learned in treatment, I think of no sugar, wheat or flour, no restricting, bingeing, or purging, weighing and measuring, following a food plan to the letter, etc. While this was great for me at the time, I eventually began to seek out moderation in my food practices.
Moderation is wonderful, except when you have a brain that defines abstinence as perfection; meaning, encompassing all of the above, every single day. Moderation has allowed me to not follow the "no sugar, wheat or flour" regimen--because, unlike the compulsive overeater, who has an allergy to those substances, my addiction doesn't send me off running to the races when I ingest sugar, wheat, or flour. While I'd spent plenty of time b/p, I was most-addicted to purging, thus alleviating any feeling of fullness (i.e., uncomfortableness).
Where guilt ensues is in the following my food plan perfectly bit. Every day, I plan my food. Some days I eat exactly as planned. But on most days, I will eat an extra of this, or skip that, which makes my perfectionistic brain go crazy!
My dilemma is that I want to achieve what I have defined as perfect abstinence. But, the real question to ask myself is, do I really need to? Why do I have to do it perfectly? Couldn't "perfect abstinence" be just as mentally shackling as the ED itself? I'm beginning to think so.
So, the question then is HOW do I mentally train myself to accept imperfect abstinence? A lot of mental conditioning and cognitive restructuring is my guess...oy vey!
FOR TODAY: I will attempt to follow my food plan perfectly, but if I don't, I will practice being gentle with myself.
Off to do some mental push-ups!!!
Moderation is wonderful, except when you have a brain that defines abstinence as perfection; meaning, encompassing all of the above, every single day. Moderation has allowed me to not follow the "no sugar, wheat or flour" regimen--because, unlike the compulsive overeater, who has an allergy to those substances, my addiction doesn't send me off running to the races when I ingest sugar, wheat, or flour. While I'd spent plenty of time b/p, I was most-addicted to purging, thus alleviating any feeling of fullness (i.e., uncomfortableness).
Where guilt ensues is in the following my food plan perfectly bit. Every day, I plan my food. Some days I eat exactly as planned. But on most days, I will eat an extra of this, or skip that, which makes my perfectionistic brain go crazy!
My dilemma is that I want to achieve what I have defined as perfect abstinence. But, the real question to ask myself is, do I really need to? Why do I have to do it perfectly? Couldn't "perfect abstinence" be just as mentally shackling as the ED itself? I'm beginning to think so.
So, the question then is HOW do I mentally train myself to accept imperfect abstinence? A lot of mental conditioning and cognitive restructuring is my guess...oy vey!
FOR TODAY: I will attempt to follow my food plan perfectly, but if I don't, I will practice being gentle with myself.
Off to do some mental push-ups!!!
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Attachments
So, this past week, I've been so aware of how alone I feel when I'm not around people, not surfing the internet, or not checking my iphone for the umpteenth time. The list goes on and on. Obviously, this is why I clung so tightly to food!
Every week, I long for time to myself when I'm off work; yet, when I finally get that time to myself, I feel so alone. Spiritually and psychically alone. Even if the sun is out and I've had my coffee. It doesn't happen every hour of my day. Rather, it's like I have a wonderful day, get my "list of the things to do" done, sit down on the couch to "relax," and then it hits me. First thought... I want food. Second thought... no you don't, so don't even think about it.
Today, my therapist, H, told me that I'm attached to the thought, "I'm alone." The reason for this, H says, is that it's completely familiar to me; because I'd felt so alone my entire life. I don't know if I'll get this right, but by attaching myself to that thought, I leave myself without choices. I drown in this emotional abyss, suddenly finding myself feeling very afraid in the world. No wonder I wanted to binge and purge last week! Thank god I didn't!!
The truth is that we are all alone. Yes, we reach support, we reach for control, for success; but, when all of that runs out, for a moment, it is just me, myself, and my emotional scars. The feeling of longing (for what?) begins to wrap itself around every muscle, bone, and cell in my body, until I'm crawling in my skin.
Naturally, I've forgotten the cognitive-behavioral instructions H presented me with, to change my thought process when the impending doom of "alone" strikes. However, for today, I don't feel it, as much.
Acknowledge. Embrace. Feel. Don't try to change my feelings. Lean into the fear. Lean into the alone-ness.
These are all things that I know help me.
Even though I don't necessarily feel alone tonight, as I sit here, the only question that keeps running through my head is, When can I have my snack???
Will I ever be free????????
Every week, I long for time to myself when I'm off work; yet, when I finally get that time to myself, I feel so alone. Spiritually and psychically alone. Even if the sun is out and I've had my coffee. It doesn't happen every hour of my day. Rather, it's like I have a wonderful day, get my "list of the things to do" done, sit down on the couch to "relax," and then it hits me. First thought... I want food. Second thought... no you don't, so don't even think about it.
Today, my therapist, H, told me that I'm attached to the thought, "I'm alone." The reason for this, H says, is that it's completely familiar to me; because I'd felt so alone my entire life. I don't know if I'll get this right, but by attaching myself to that thought, I leave myself without choices. I drown in this emotional abyss, suddenly finding myself feeling very afraid in the world. No wonder I wanted to binge and purge last week! Thank god I didn't!!
The truth is that we are all alone. Yes, we reach support, we reach for control, for success; but, when all of that runs out, for a moment, it is just me, myself, and my emotional scars. The feeling of longing (for what?) begins to wrap itself around every muscle, bone, and cell in my body, until I'm crawling in my skin.
Naturally, I've forgotten the cognitive-behavioral instructions H presented me with, to change my thought process when the impending doom of "alone" strikes. However, for today, I don't feel it, as much.
Acknowledge. Embrace. Feel. Don't try to change my feelings. Lean into the fear. Lean into the alone-ness.
These are all things that I know help me.
Even though I don't necessarily feel alone tonight, as I sit here, the only question that keeps running through my head is, When can I have my snack???
Will I ever be free????????
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Wanting to eat, Wanting to not eat, Wanting to purge, Wanting...
Here it is, almost 8:00 on Saturday evening. Let me just say right off the bat that I have wanted to binge and purge for hours!! These cravings have not come over me, at this level of intensity, for months--perhaps years!! I want to eat, eat, eat! I want to rid myself of the fears I have over this article I'm still procrastinating about writing (although, I'm making some progress). I also want to starve and overexercise. It's... well... crazy, for lack of a better word. Just another indication of the mental disease this is.
Just a glimpse of the ED stream of consciousness this evening:
I really want Magnolia Bakery No you can't get Magnolia Just don't eat Eat your snack as planned I really want cupcakes I really want to purge My therapist still hasn't called me back I have an excuse to binge and purge fuck that you know you don't want to do this You'll regret it No I won't Yes you will I really want to shove massive amounts of Magnolia Bakery products into my mouth Maybe I'll just go to the gym and purge that way No you don't want to do this Who cares I can start over Lisa won't be home for hours You really just want to distract yourself from doing the article It will still be here if you choose to binge and purge You know you don't want to...
How I can go from being in a perfectly great mood, to this emotionally ravenous state--in an instant I might add--is nuts. I won't pathologize too much... none of this is abnormal when you have an ED... even in recovery... that's the real kicker. It's like, yeah, go to treatment, get some recovery--oh, but I might have forgotten to mention that I'll be haunting you for the next, oh, rest of your life. Yes, I have a lot of "freedom," meaning, I don't B/P/S/OEx, and I have the "freedom" to go out to eat without worrying too much about calories; but, on days like today, I feel like I will never get total freedom. I tend not to believe those who say they "recovered" from their EDs. Excuse me, did you have an ED like I had one? To some extent, even without an ED, people will live with food/body issues.
Anyway, all I can think about is going to Magnolia Bakery for their famous treats and shoving as many as I possibly can into my mouth... and then, of course, spewing it out. Wow, that release would feel great--but then I'd feel like shit. Now, I've been mulling this over for several hours, my contemplative options changing by the 15-minute interval, and, I think that I've gotten over the hump (at least for this interval).
As I've made it to the end of this post, I realize that I am definitely not going to binge and purge tonight. Why??? BECAUSE I'M CHOOSING NOT TO!!!!! I'm not going to overexercise at the gym tonight either. I'm going to sit with my feelings and eat my snack, as planned.
My mind tells me that I REALLY don't want to do this, but my truth tells me that I really want to be abstinent.
Recovery is about honesty. As a colleague used to say to our clients, "We don't get honest to get what we want. We get honest to get what we need. Ya know, I really hate honesty at times.
Just a glimpse of the ED stream of consciousness this evening:
I really want Magnolia Bakery No you can't get Magnolia Just don't eat Eat your snack as planned I really want cupcakes I really want to purge My therapist still hasn't called me back I have an excuse to binge and purge fuck that you know you don't want to do this You'll regret it No I won't Yes you will I really want to shove massive amounts of Magnolia Bakery products into my mouth Maybe I'll just go to the gym and purge that way No you don't want to do this Who cares I can start over Lisa won't be home for hours You really just want to distract yourself from doing the article It will still be here if you choose to binge and purge You know you don't want to...
How I can go from being in a perfectly great mood, to this emotionally ravenous state--in an instant I might add--is nuts. I won't pathologize too much... none of this is abnormal when you have an ED... even in recovery... that's the real kicker. It's like, yeah, go to treatment, get some recovery--oh, but I might have forgotten to mention that I'll be haunting you for the next, oh, rest of your life. Yes, I have a lot of "freedom," meaning, I don't B/P/S/OEx, and I have the "freedom" to go out to eat without worrying too much about calories; but, on days like today, I feel like I will never get total freedom. I tend not to believe those who say they "recovered" from their EDs. Excuse me, did you have an ED like I had one? To some extent, even without an ED, people will live with food/body issues.
Anyway, all I can think about is going to Magnolia Bakery for their famous treats and shoving as many as I possibly can into my mouth... and then, of course, spewing it out. Wow, that release would feel great--but then I'd feel like shit. Now, I've been mulling this over for several hours, my contemplative options changing by the 15-minute interval, and, I think that I've gotten over the hump (at least for this interval).
As I've made it to the end of this post, I realize that I am definitely not going to binge and purge tonight. Why??? BECAUSE I'M CHOOSING NOT TO!!!!! I'm not going to overexercise at the gym tonight either. I'm going to sit with my feelings and eat my snack, as planned.
My mind tells me that I REALLY don't want to do this, but my truth tells me that I really want to be abstinent.
Recovery is about honesty. As a colleague used to say to our clients, "We don't get honest to get what we want. We get honest to get what we need. Ya know, I really hate honesty at times.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Self Soothing... hard concept for EDs
Why, or perhaps I should say, how, is it that the feeling of fear or panic can strike at any moment? One minute I could be at the bookstore having a lovely time admiring and skimming through dozens of books, and the next minute I'm in complete fear. Or, I could be walking down the street on a perfectly sunny NYC day, and all of a sudden, wham!, I feel completely alone, unsafe, and on the verge of tears. These feelings aren't cause by anything external, but rather, feelings that sit in the depths of my soul and permeate through my psyche--their only release coming in the form of a panic attack or a heavy crying spell.
Does this ever happen to you? My instinct tells me I'm not alone in this.
Immediately, when this happens, I call my therapist for security. It's interesting that my first thought is to reach for something or someone external. It used to be food, now it's my therapist. The only things more soothing are my iPhone or shopping at Anthropologie. As a person who has been through hospitilizations, day treatments, outpatient, long-term residential, years of 12-Step, and more, it is somewhat disheartening that I haven't been able to sharpen my ability to "self-soothe," one of the many palliative prescriptions recommended by H, my therapist.
Once again, this shows me how there are SOOOO many levels to this eating disorder. Actually, this has NOTHING to do with the ED itself; these are the feelings that led me to seek out ED in the first place. It's amazing how powerful feelings can be, isn't it? After all, rationale tells me, Feelings Aren't Facts, but when you're living in a state of fear, it's rarely rational... at least, that's what I've learned.
...Just one more piece of evidence that proves that the ED and all of it's pathological accoutrements are, indeed, a disease (or, at the very least, dis-ease) of the mind.
More on this later
Does this ever happen to you? My instinct tells me I'm not alone in this.
Immediately, when this happens, I call my therapist for security. It's interesting that my first thought is to reach for something or someone external. It used to be food, now it's my therapist. The only things more soothing are my iPhone or shopping at Anthropologie. As a person who has been through hospitilizations, day treatments, outpatient, long-term residential, years of 12-Step, and more, it is somewhat disheartening that I haven't been able to sharpen my ability to "self-soothe," one of the many palliative prescriptions recommended by H, my therapist.
Once again, this shows me how there are SOOOO many levels to this eating disorder. Actually, this has NOTHING to do with the ED itself; these are the feelings that led me to seek out ED in the first place. It's amazing how powerful feelings can be, isn't it? After all, rationale tells me, Feelings Aren't Facts, but when you're living in a state of fear, it's rarely rational... at least, that's what I've learned.
...Just one more piece of evidence that proves that the ED and all of it's pathological accoutrements are, indeed, a disease (or, at the very least, dis-ease) of the mind.
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