![[Valid Atom 1.0]](valid-atom.png "Validate my Atom 1.0 feed")
Wow, I can't believe it has been this long since I last posted. I apologize, however, I have a great excuse... I'm in graduate school! I have not had a single moment to do anything outside of studying, attending my internship, and working. Anyhoo...
As I sit here, looking out of my 12th-floor apartment window, onto the drizzly streets of Broadway, I feel so grateful to be back in the city. When I left NYC 8 years ago, and carted myself off to rehab, I felt so awful that once again my eating disorder had beat me. All I ever wanted was to live in this city, free from the desire to binge and purge, so that I could live out my dreams; which, at that time, was dance. While I did do that, my entire experience was overshadowed by the cloud of dysfunction hanging over my head.
Now, I'm back, this time pursuing my MSW in clinical social work at NYU, and I have to say that life tastes pretty darn good. I don't binge and purge anymore (just for today), thankfully.
The eating disorder mindset, however, is still quite present. I feel caught between the person I was, and the person I want to become. While I know intellectually that I don't want the private hell of the eating disorder, I still have a constant desire to lose weight (don't all women--even those without disorders?). Because I have been pounding the pavement of NYC like a maniac, out of sheer business, and because I'm making better choices of not emotionally eating, I have lost weight. I think that there is nothing wrong with my body, yet, I want to lose more. This is why eating disorders are classified as a mental disease (dis-ease).
Ultimately, I don't want to lose too much, because if I look "sick," then I won't be able to work in the area of therapy I want to--working with eating disorders. So, that's what I mean when I say I'm caught between my unhealthy and healthy self.
Anyway, for today, I will eat my food as planned. For everyone (like I used to be) who doesn't trust that a food plan works, it does! In fact, many of my bulimic friends in recovery have lost weight! I know that self-knowledge avails us nothing, and that the reasons for staying in the ED extend far beyond the possibility of weight loss... so I don't mean to sound reductionist.
Well, off to do homework! I will try to post much more often.
It's so nice to be caught up in life, instead of food!!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
2 comments:
It is nice to see how you are doing. I know the feeling about being caught between two worlds. This is how I feel most days. And you are so right, meal plans work. It sounds like you have a good handle on things. I hope all continues to go well for you. Just don't forget to stop and smell the roses occasionally.
my 26 yr old daughter has been bulimic for 5 yrs - she is attempting to recover using "The Diet Cure" by Julia Ross & a work book called "The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook for Bulimia". She lost her job recently & was forced to move home - which doesn't help negative feelings about herself. Also, a close friend of hers died a couple of months ago - complications of over 20yrs of bulimia. She doesn't want to end up there herself so started looking for self-help options.
She has gained some weight in the last month, while attempting to work with the Julia Ross diet cure. She is terrified that she will continue to gain weight & thinks that it will then never go away - unless she resorts to ED behaviors. Nothing anyone can say will convince her that she is a good looking girl & that she is not fat.
Is it possible to recover from the bulimia & also to loose weight? Guess that is a bit simplistic - but she is concerned that leaving eating disorders behind will sentence her to a life of being overweight. (now about 5-7lbs above what everyone else thinks is ideal for her, she is only 4' 10" & her ideas of what looks good on her is anorexic) If she could only understand how irrational her body image is - it is beyond words. But you know how that goes.
Our financial situation does not allow us to get her professional help - all though I believe she needs it. We are searching for anything - she REALLY needs to hear from people like you who have been successful. To know that there is hope for happiness & that she does have a future.
I hope that you will continue your blog. Those out here with this problem and no resources to get help need the encouragement. I hope my daughter will follow your example & find that she DOES have something to live for & hope for the future. thank you! kw
p.s.- we live in the mountains of central California, the closest cities are Clovis & Fresno, 50 miles away. It doesn't appear that there are any type of ED support groups in the area - still looking! Wish there was one on line organized by SUCCESSFUL recovered bulemics - positive support from others who have be-there, done-that & succeeded would be wonderful. *kw
Post a Comment