Opening a Window of Opportunity

Countless number of times when active in the eating disorder, I'd have a thought to use an eating disorder symptom and, before I knew it, I'd be standing in a grocery store buying binge food or find myself in a bathroom, unable to account for the time that lapsed between the thought of using the eating disorder and the action. As if I'd had tunnel vision, my consciousness only able to see the option of using eating disorder symptoms for dealing with my emotions.

Working as a psychotherapist, I hear this story day after day from clients. I often will retrace the steps of a client's slip, only to hear her unclear as to how she arrived at her symptomatic state, which seems to create an added layer of guilt and hopelessness much of the time. As if it was just something that "happened" to her and all of a sudden she was in relapsive behavior. I truly empathize with my clients in these moments, as it can feel like such a state of self-defeat.

Perhaps the most important thing I learned in early recovery was that my thought did not have to lead to an action. I learned that I needed to create a window of space, an opportunity that gave me time to collect my often-irrational and emotionally-charged thoughts and actually CHOOSE a way to deal with the situation, urge, or feeling with adaptive coping skills instead of self-destructive behaviors.

In order to do this I had to:

1. Be mindful of what was happening with me internally.
2. I had to literally stop and become conscious of the here-and-now and acknowledge my eating disordered urges.
3. I also had to remind myself that a thought is just a thought. I am going to have these thoughts, but that does not mean I have to act on them.
4. Next, I had to make a decision and not keep entertaining the urge to use ED symptoms. A symptom cannot thrive without attending to it.
5. Once I made my decision, I then had to create a plan for what I was going to do instead of use ED symptoms. This came in the form of using healthy distractions, leaving my environment, reaching out for support, etc.
6. Finally, I had to take action and remind myself that the urge will pass, if I let it.

In order to break the eating disorder cycle, you have to be able to tolerate your emotions long enough to get to the other side of them. To know that you CAN tolerate any emotion, no matter how uncomfortable. Today, think about and write down ways you can create distance between your thoughts and actions when an urge strikes. Come up with a list of coping skills (self-talk, playing the tape through, reaching out to others, meditation, taking a gentle walk, etc.) you feel you could actually use in the moment.

As an experiment, the next time you have an urge to use ED symptoms, put your plan into action and give yourself a real window of opportunity for recovery. The window may appear to be jammed, locked, or hard to open. But you have the power to open it and create a different outcome. Eating disorders are deadly, and you never know if you will have a tomorrow to start over for. Start today--you deserve it!

Self-love, Eating Disorder Recovery, and Katy Perry

At my OA Meetings last week, I kept hearing the same message: Self-love is about taking ACTION. Now, I know this already, I mean, it's pretty obvious that HP doesn't just drop the gift of self-love from the sky. WE have to CREATE it through action. In order to create self-love we first have to have the awareness to want to do so.

I stumbled upon a great post on a SELF.com blog which discusses self-love as it pertains to body image. The blogger, Lucy, used Katy Perry's "Firework" song to show we do all have a spark inside, and we should take the actions to let it shine! The problem for many (I used to be one) is that we're so used to (and comfortable with) self-hatred that we are afraid to take action that might actually make us feel better. That is INSANITY! The disease of addiction, body-hatred, self-hatred--whatever dis-ease you feel--is sneaky and wants nothing more for us than to be miserable.

All I need to do to get into right action is to ask myself a few questions:

Is this action going to make me feel good about myself?

How will I feel tomorrow if I do this behavior?

Do I want to hate myself today or love myself?

All are similar, but I have to tell my brain things several different ways in order for it to listen.

Everything in recovery is truly about ACTING your way into right thinking. Everything. In the meeting I went to yesterday, the qualifier mentioned that she turns her actions of recovery over to her sponsor, like she would her food. I love that and will start implementing that TODAY, just for today.

What actions will you take today? Self-hate or Self-love?

The Three P's of Inaction

In our session yesterday, my T told me that I was suffering from "The Three P's"--Perfectionism, Procrastination, and Paralysis. Oh, how right she is.

For literally weeks now, I've been procrastinating about an article that I'm writing for my school. Typically, I love to write; however, because I will get paid/published for this article, and because this article is for a professor at a prestigious university, I've become paralyzed to write it.

It's amazing how something like an article can make the three p's show up in all parts of my life. I haven't been able to call people back or get my list of things done. I don't feel like going to work. I haven't been writing on my blog (sorry!) Of course, the impending guilt, which perpetuates the three p's' cycle, doesn't help matters.

Naturally, my mind tries to distract itself by shifting to FOOD chatter... I need to lose weight, cut my calories, join the new gym so I can compulsively exercise, blah blah, blah.

Today, luckily, I woke up feeling less stuck in the grips of the three evil p's.

Today I know that focusing on my food and body won't get my list of things done, or that article written. It will only help me to procrastinate longer and feel more guilty--both of which are great set-ups for a binge/purge--the ultimate sabotage.