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Yesterday, I returned from a week-long Christmas vacation in Kansas City and Tampa. After flying on the worst flight of my life, I wasn't sure if I'd ever make it home. The flight was so turbulent that people all around me were puking in barf bags. It was kind of ironic... a bulimic (in recovery) on a plane where everyone else is puking. If that would've happened years ago, I probably would have acted sick, utilizing those bags myself.
Now back in the city, I've decided to conquer another level of the ED--mental reconditioning. I've blogged before about how I feel guilty for not sticking to my food plan, even though I know I don't have to stick to it perfectly. Recovery is, after all, about balance. But I'm just sick of feeling guilty about it. So, I have two choices: 1.)Stop feeling guilty; 2.) Stick to my food plan. Because I don't know how to stop feeling guilty and can't seem to internalize imperfect abstinence, then my only option is to stick to my food plan.
Usually, I stick to my food plan all day, and then at night I'll eat something unplanned. It isn't because I'm hungry. I get anxiety about eating what I planned. Why? I don't think there is any deeply-rooted reason. I think it's just because I'm not practiced in eating only what's on my food plan. My mind is conditioned to eat off of my food plan. I need to condition it to do the opposite.
So, for today, I'm going to try it.
I'll let you know tomorrow how Day 1 went!!
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Monday, December 21, 2009
Brittany Murphy Dies... Is Hollywood "Clueless' or Just in Denial???
Cross-Posted from my entry in www.the-f-word.org
I was so busy running around in preparation for Christmas yesterday, that I didn’t even know that actress Brittany Murphy died of “natural causes.” My first reaction is utter shock. For years, tabloids have rumored that the actress has had anorexia, and the fact that she died of a cardiac actress seems to support such rumors. I don’t know if it is because she’s close to my age or if it is because I love her as a comedic actress. In any case, my mentality–which, even in recovery, still vacillates daily between wanting to be unconcerned with weight and wanting to be not-anorexic-but-just-thin-enough (whatever that means)–has just received a huge dose of reality.
Within a few months of moving back to NYC, I accidentally lost quite a bit of weight, because I went from driving everywhere to walking everywhere. It just happened, really. This triggered my anorexic mindset, which has not been present for years. While I like how I look and don’t ever want to look “sick” again, my mind has become obsessed with the possibilities of losing more. What can I say? It takes years in recovery to recover from the ED mindset… at least for me.
My point in mentioning this, and why I am so shocked by Brittany Murphy’s death, is that the ED can kill you (or me) when one least expects it. You’re eating a little less here, exercising a bit more there, and then, oops, you accidentally kill yourself. Honestly, I didn’t mean to send myself into cardiac arrest… I was just trying to fit into my skinny jeans. Now I know, obviously, that there is so much more behind EDs than trying to look good in clothes. But, a notion as innocent as wanting to try to look good in an outfit or feel more comfortable in your own skin can actually be deadly. While my playing around with food is at a manageable or even “normal” degree, if I let it continue, which will eventually shift my behavior to a status of unhealthy and unmanageable, this could potentially happen to me.
Now, we don’t know the specifics of Brittany Murphy’s “death by natural causes”–the ED rumors have not been medically confirmed. We never received confirmation of an ED on rail-thin Michael Jackson either… but that doesn’t mean he, nor Brittany, didn’t have one. I’m not trying to scapegoat Hollywood, but the ridiculous standards that celebrities have to maintain if they want to continue to gain employment is just that–RIDICULOUS. How many more celebs have to die? When is Hollywood, and society, going to learn that public figures and celebrity role models need to start resembling real people, instead of real people trying to fit into these unrealistic and life-threatening ideals? Now, I know that we all make choices; but, at the end of the day, most people want to feel like they fit somewhere in the world. Hollywood anorexic iconography in the human form just doesn’t help and needs to stop.
I was so busy running around in preparation for Christmas yesterday, that I didn’t even know that actress Brittany Murphy died of “natural causes.” My first reaction is utter shock. For years, tabloids have rumored that the actress has had anorexia, and the fact that she died of a cardiac actress seems to support such rumors. I don’t know if it is because she’s close to my age or if it is because I love her as a comedic actress. In any case, my mentality–which, even in recovery, still vacillates daily between wanting to be unconcerned with weight and wanting to be not-anorexic-but-just-thin-enough (whatever that means)–has just received a huge dose of reality.
Within a few months of moving back to NYC, I accidentally lost quite a bit of weight, because I went from driving everywhere to walking everywhere. It just happened, really. This triggered my anorexic mindset, which has not been present for years. While I like how I look and don’t ever want to look “sick” again, my mind has become obsessed with the possibilities of losing more. What can I say? It takes years in recovery to recover from the ED mindset… at least for me.
My point in mentioning this, and why I am so shocked by Brittany Murphy’s death, is that the ED can kill you (or me) when one least expects it. You’re eating a little less here, exercising a bit more there, and then, oops, you accidentally kill yourself. Honestly, I didn’t mean to send myself into cardiac arrest… I was just trying to fit into my skinny jeans. Now I know, obviously, that there is so much more behind EDs than trying to look good in clothes. But, a notion as innocent as wanting to try to look good in an outfit or feel more comfortable in your own skin can actually be deadly. While my playing around with food is at a manageable or even “normal” degree, if I let it continue, which will eventually shift my behavior to a status of unhealthy and unmanageable, this could potentially happen to me.
Now, we don’t know the specifics of Brittany Murphy’s “death by natural causes”–the ED rumors have not been medically confirmed. We never received confirmation of an ED on rail-thin Michael Jackson either… but that doesn’t mean he, nor Brittany, didn’t have one. I’m not trying to scapegoat Hollywood, but the ridiculous standards that celebrities have to maintain if they want to continue to gain employment is just that–RIDICULOUS. How many more celebs have to die? When is Hollywood, and society, going to learn that public figures and celebrity role models need to start resembling real people, instead of real people trying to fit into these unrealistic and life-threatening ideals? Now, I know that we all make choices; but, at the end of the day, most people want to feel like they fit somewhere in the world. Hollywood anorexic iconography in the human form just doesn’t help and needs to stop.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Achieving Food Plan Perfection...Yeah, Right.
Throughout my ED career, whether it be in the pitfalls of relapse or the upward crawl towards recovery, I've consistently (and constantly) planned the Perfect Food Plan. Daily, I envision that if only I eat this or that and stick to my plan, I'll feel so much better about myself. Logically, perfectionistic logic that is, it makes sense... follow your plan to the letter and you'll feel better--poetic, yes, realistic... not exactly... at least not for this food addict.
I do, however, have some errors in my thinking. First, recovery is supposed to be about balance, finding the grey (and accepting it), no black and white thinking. Easier said than done. "Perfect" doesn't really fit into the category of moderation. Second, I'm still trying to define myself externally, to some extent, whether it be by how well I follow my food plan, or how much I weigh, or the size of my jeans.
While I yearn to follow a food plan so clean that even minuscule crumbs of deviation from it couldn't be picked up under the lens of a food-plan-falsifier investigator's microscope, at the end of the day, I always do something to louse it up... even in recovery. That is what is so frustrating.
Perhaps I'm being too restrictive in my food plan... Perhaps I need to give myself a break... Perhaps I need to think about what makes me so afraid to follow the food plan I devise? Ha-Ha! Yes, I think that is the issue. The easiest answer is control. But what is behind the control???
More next post... gotta go be a social work student!
I do, however, have some errors in my thinking. First, recovery is supposed to be about balance, finding the grey (and accepting it), no black and white thinking. Easier said than done. "Perfect" doesn't really fit into the category of moderation. Second, I'm still trying to define myself externally, to some extent, whether it be by how well I follow my food plan, or how much I weigh, or the size of my jeans.
While I yearn to follow a food plan so clean that even minuscule crumbs of deviation from it couldn't be picked up under the lens of a food-plan-falsifier investigator's microscope, at the end of the day, I always do something to louse it up... even in recovery. That is what is so frustrating.
Perhaps I'm being too restrictive in my food plan... Perhaps I need to give myself a break... Perhaps I need to think about what makes me so afraid to follow the food plan I devise? Ha-Ha! Yes, I think that is the issue. The easiest answer is control. But what is behind the control???
More next post... gotta go be a social work student!
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