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Hello,
It has been a long time since my last post! Between my final semester of college and social work internship, it's hard to squeeze in entries. I've made a new commitment to myself and to my blog, so here goes...
Throughout my recovery, I have been waiting for the day when the insane body image buster voice in my head can be squashed indefinitely.
Enter cognitive distortion number one. Body image does not magically disappear just because I have solid recovery time!!
So during my group therapy the other day, you can imagine how proud I was to announce to the group, "I can't believe it. Every time I've looked in the mirror this week, I actually accepted what I saw, imperfections and all!" I couldn't believe it. I had arrived. I could now accept my body.
Enter cognitive disortion number two. For me, body image acceptance isn't a terminal state of mind.
Less than twenty-four hours later, I stand in front of the mirror to mentally solidify this ground-breaking level of acceptance. With my backside facing the mirror and my head cocked, becoming owl-like, I begin monitoring the level of toneness of my back for any post-body-image-acceptance changes. I leaned to the side in a way I had never leaned before...and there it was. My head went into shock as I looked at my newfound fat roll, and suddenly, it all became clear. What was I thinking before??? I must have been in a delusional, recovery blur to think that my body was imperfectly perfect!
So the next week at group therapy, I inform the group of the transitory state of my body image acceptance. After hearing me rant about how I had never leaned that way and how my acceptance was a big fat recovery ruse, my therapist had a simple solution for me..."Next time you're looking in the mirror, DON'T LEAN THAT WAY."
I now know why my therapist gets paid the big bucks!
The point to all of this is that recovery and all the coexisting insanity is a cyclical process. At least for me, I don't think that I will ever arrive at this utopian, blissful state of mind with my body image, but it does get easier. For today, I like (I admit that quietly) my body.
Cliche for the day: The pain is in the resistance.
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2 comments:
Hi Greta:)
That is so wild that your family is in Olathe! I graduated from SMW. You are much younger though!
I think that poor body image must be the toughest part of recovery, and the hardest to overcome. I want so much to get over the self loathing and disgust. I think it is so wonderful that there are days when you can accept what you see in the mirror, and you are right that it is cyclical. We can't expect to feel accepting of ourselves every single day. I'm glad to hear that things are getting easier for you! That is awesome.
Take care,
Angela
Hi, Greta. The days will get easier and easier. I am getting healthier and have been overcoming my bulimia for some time down. It will get easy, body imagine issues does ease up, it takes a lot of time, being open to therapy and it sounds like you are doing all that. It's not the eating disorder that tells me to possibly through out, it's me coming up with the thought, and then i am like nah why would i do such a thing. It's has been awhile and although I've had some crap present in my life it's doable. gerbersformichelle.wordpress.com
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