Self-love, Eating Disorder Recovery, and Katy Perry

At my OA Meetings last week, I kept hearing the same message: Self-love is about taking ACTION. Now, I know this already, I mean, it's pretty obvious that HP doesn't just drop the gift of self-love from the sky. WE have to CREATE it through action. In order to create self-love we first have to have the awareness to want to do so.

I stumbled upon a great post on a SELF.com blog which discusses self-love as it pertains to body image. The blogger, Lucy, used Katy Perry's "Firework" song to show we do all have a spark inside, and we should take the actions to let it shine! The problem for many (I used to be one) is that we're so used to (and comfortable with) self-hatred that we are afraid to take action that might actually make us feel better. That is INSANITY! The disease of addiction, body-hatred, self-hatred--whatever dis-ease you feel--is sneaky and wants nothing more for us than to be miserable.

All I need to do to get into right action is to ask myself a few questions:

Is this action going to make me feel good about myself?

How will I feel tomorrow if I do this behavior?

Do I want to hate myself today or love myself?

All are similar, but I have to tell my brain things several different ways in order for it to listen.

Everything in recovery is truly about ACTING your way into right thinking. Everything. In the meeting I went to yesterday, the qualifier mentioned that she turns her actions of recovery over to her sponsor, like she would her food. I love that and will start implementing that TODAY, just for today.

What actions will you take today? Self-hate or Self-love?

Natalie Portman and the Black Swan: A Perfect Performance of Insanity

Recently I saw the movie Black Swan. Besides the buzz around it, because I’m a former professional dancer, in recovery for eating disorders, and a therapist, I thought it would be the perfect movie for me to see. Yes, there was a slue of self-destruction. Yes, it portrayed the perfection requisite to a ballet career. So what?

Well, what I thought was kind of genius about the movie was how the director eternally depicted what goes on inside the unbalanced, perfectionist, eating-disordered mind. The duality of the White Swan and Black Swan characters Natalie Portman played in The Black Swan symbolized an exaggeration of the “good” and “bad” mindset I spoke about in my first post.

What I liked is that it gave the audience a real look into the mindset of self-destruction. While not everyone can relate to such a severe level of self-hatred and insanity, people do have internal battles to a lesser degree, which makes Portman’s character all the more relatable. The timing of the movie is interesting. Like the many reality shows concerning addiction and mental health on TV today, I think the fact that a movie (even if not in reality) is portraying the complete mental insanity that occurs in the perfect world of ballet, illustrates that the stigma around mental health issues are slowing diminishing. All of which is refreshing.

I’m going to see the movie again to completely wrap my brain around it.

Good Day or Bad Day… Which Do I Choose Today?

In the past, my life was divided into “good” days and “bad” days. The determining factors were how flat my stomach was in the morning, how much I weighed, how my pants fit that day (which was especially risky had they been recently washed), and how I stuck to the diet I’d obsessively planned out the day before. Complete self-torture.

Because what defined “good” for me was driven by need for my body to be perfect, almost every day became a “bad” day. Whether walking along a strip mall in Kansas or traipsing down Broadway in NYC, my sense of self was determined by how I looked compared to everyone else I passed on the streets … and on my most days, I couldn’t compete. Today I feel fortunate I don’t live like that anymore.

What I realized, after many therapy sessions, is that I am the one judging myself and making up crazy rules about how my day will turn out. Essentially, I am choosing to think badly or highly about myself. Why do I want to be that mean to myself, really? Has it helped me thus far? When I used to ask myself these questions, the answers were usually that I hated myself and it hasn’t helped me. If I can choose to be negative, then I can certainly choose to think positively, and thus feel happier.

Today, I don’t define my days in such black-and-white terms. I can easily get caught up in negative self-talk, but when it happens, I don’t entertain it. I look at it like a symptom that’s telling me something else is going on, and then I reframe my thoughts. None of us are perfect, but we all have positive qualities that make us who we are. For anyone struggling with these issues, I’m here to tell you, There Is Hope!

NYC Ballet Dancer Jenifer Ringer Criticized for Being "Overweight"

NY Times dance critic Alastair Macaulay probably should've completed one more revision of his choreographed commentary for NYC Ballet's production of "The Nutcracker." Perhaps if he'd chosen to edit his harsh view of the Sugar Plum Fairy--played by Jenifer Ringer--whom he stated "looked as if she'd eaten one too many sugar plums," there wouldn't be so many tutus and ballet pink tights in a wad.

As a therapist, recovering bulimic, and former dancer, I have mixed thoughts about the NY Times article. My therapist and recovering self is outraged by such insincerity; especially when Ms. Ringer has talked about her issues with eating and self-esteem, which were perpetuated by the ballet world. As a former dancer, albeit not primarily classical ballet, I was never told I was fat. However, there were a couple of times when I was told that my body would be perfect if I'd just "tone up" a little. What was difficult for me was living in LA and being criticized by agents or choreographers about my look or style, and the constant type-casting. The message was clear: You aren't good enough. Period.

While it hurts to be judged in the dance world, it wasn't unexpected. My years of taking classes daily, spending hours scrutinizing every movement, every body line, every inch of my body--while trying to get the ballet mistress' attention and stand out more than your classmates--prepared me for the professional world of dance. I knew what I was getting into. It fed right into my naturally masochistic nature. Home sweet home.

Getting back to the article, though ... I do find it RIDICULOUS that, of all things, knowing that Jenifer has had past ED and self-esteem issues, Macaulay had to comment on her body. Wasn't it enough that he said she didn't dance with adult depth or complexity? Tsk, tsk Macaulay.

As a therapist who wants to help those who struggle with food and body images issues, I can't help but wonder how many more young girls and women will be triggered by his critique. So, he's getting a lot of flack for his comments--the message is on point: You need to be THINNER.

Ms. Ringer responded on the Today Show about being criticized, stating that because of where she is in her life now, she can move forward from it. Here are some of her comments below.

"I was 16 when I became professional and I think I wasn’t prepared to cope with just being in an adult performing world, and so I think my coping mechanisms kind of turned into eating disorders and body image issues."

"As a dancer I do put myself out there to be criticized and my body is part of my art form. At the same time I’m not overweight. I do have I guess a more womanly body type than the stereotypical ballerina."

I agree with her comments. It's clear that she has Grand Jete'd from her past insecurities to a life of health and sanity. BRAVO!

What's Eating You?

So I've recently started watching "What's Eating You?," an eating disorder reality show on E!. Dr. Susan Albers, a clinical psychologist who wrote an article on the show , reported that there is an ongoing debate about whether making reality shows of mental health issues exploits those who struggle with diseases like OCD, hoarding, addiction, etc.

As a mental health professional, I can understand why some argue of the exploitative nature. In the midst of crisis, one might not be able to make a proper judgment about whether he or she should put their issues out there for millions to see and, more likely, judge. On the other hand, those who choose to break their anonymity and participate in the show are making a choice. It isn't as though they are innocent victims, being forced by some producer who threatens to shove a snack cake down their throat if they don't participate. For this ED in recovery, shoving cake down my throat would be an added benefit. Yes, I eat cake in recovery ... hence the name of my blog. For some, whose eating disorders began as a way for them to get emotional and physical attention from their parents (that's one out of the myriad triggers for EDs), this could be the ultimate way to get their need met. I'm not for sure. Everyone who participates has their reasons.

Personally, I like that mental health-based shows are finally being aired. To me, it says that the big fat stigma around mental health issues has shed a few pounds ... losing enough to at least be able to start talking about it on a national level, and acknowledging that, guess what, this can exist in your family, too. What better way to lose some of the stigma, as well as inform the public of the reality of eating disorder treatment, than to put it on television?

What I really like (although I wish it wasn't the reality) is that no one has magically been relieved of their disorder after a period of treatment--even when treated by experts. Reality shows usually do not portray reality, strangely. Showing that recovery is a process and that someone is not "fixed" by 12 weeks, 12 months, and, sometimes, 12 years of therapy IS a REALITY. This, perhaps, is one of the greatest strengths of the show. Another strength is that it illustrates how people with eating disorders need a team of support to recover, and that includes family. Eating disorders are so isolating; recovery is about "we," not "I."

So, that's my scoop on "What's Eating You?"

As I write, I think, Is anything eating me today? The answer ... NO! LIfe is good.

Marie Claire Article... "Should Fatties Get a Room?"

Maura Kelly, a popular blogger, posted an article in Marie Claire about whether America is uncomfortable watching overweight people show PDA on television. The article centers on the CBS show Molly and Mike, a sitcom about a couple who met in Overeater's Anonymous. The former anorexic lashed out at her fleshier counterparts, pronouncing her disgust with seeing people with fat rolls kiss. She even admitted to being disgusted by seeing an overweight person walk across the room! Just who does this blogger think makes up her audience? According to a CBS health article, 66 percent of Americans are overweight and 30 percent are obese. This could account for some of the 28,000 complaints Marie Claire received as a result of this bloggers big fat mouth. Tsk, tsk, tsk Maura Kelly.

When complaints surfaced, Maura Kelly tried to backpedal her, what must be a, skinny ass out of her fat-hatred, stating that her bias and bigotry stems from her own issues with being anorexic in the past. She went as far as to say that anorexic people would sicken her too, knowing how miserable and unhealthy they must be. Oh boy.

Where do I begin? As an ED in recovery, social worker, and woman who lives in Western society, there are so many angles to take. I guess I'll start with some of the points she made that has some validity to them. First, our country is obsessed with physical perfection, and that needs to change. Second, obesity and the physical health consequences that result do cost our country a lot of money. However, from a sociocultural perspective, this is a complex issue. I work with as a psychotherapist in NYC with a population of low-income substance abusers, most of whom are African American and Hispanic. At least 90 percent of my clients are overweight or obese, and have a collection of health consequences, like diabetes, hypertension, asthma, etc. Many are under the age of 35.

While there are psychological and medical reasons for obesity, many people from low-income or rural areas don't have the nutritional education, let alone the financial means to buy healthy food. Moreover, fast food restaurants hover in every corner of these areas. If people want to help this epidemic, and I believe it is one, than why don't people (right wing conservatives, Daddy, I'm talking to you) put some money into helping people, instead of complaining how healthcare costs are affecting your tax dollars and driving up your insurance premiums? With that said, not all overweight and obese people are poor.

Another point she made is that we have a lot of control over our weight. For people who know what to eat and have the financial means to buy healthy food, I have to agree. For many, not all, it's about caloric intake versus energy burned. Period. I will probably get some flack for my opinion, but that's how I feel.

Now to the ugly. Her lame attempt to use her past anorexia as a crutch for her verbal vomit was just that, a lame attempt. Are you really still using your ED as a crutch? Take responsibility for yourself. And to say that she feels just as disgusted seeing an anorexic walking around as an overweight person -- right. Yes, a recovering ED might have sympathy for both people, but I wouldn't say the majority of recovering eating disordered persons feel disgust for the still-suffering anorexic. More like envy. I think that, more times than not, there's a part of an ED in recovery that looks at the anorexic and feels a tinge of envy, as she remembers the security anorexia once brought, only if just a facade.

Getting back to the show that inspired the article, I think it's healthier to show people who represent their audience, not just an unattainable ideal that would make most of us head for Ben and Jerry's.

NEDA Walk... Need a Burger and Fries?

Hi Everyone,

Although I'm a recent MSW grad and work as a psychotherapist in a mental health and substance abuse agency, I still work in a restaurant on the weekends--after all, I am living in NYC. I work the brunch shift at a popular designer burger joint on the Upper West Side (the irony!), which can have its challenges for a ED in recovery. Hey, a girl's gotta make a living. So, last weekend I see a crowd forming outside, completely normal for brunch. Men, women, and children everywhere are wearing the same t-shirts. Great, another group of tourists, I think to myself. As they enter, I notice that the t-shirts have a picture of a beautiful young girl, with the words, In Loving Memory of Emily, written below. Then I see it, the NEDA Walk logo on the back of the t-shirt.

Weeks earlier, I had planned to go to my first NEDA Walk. As a professional who wants to work with this population, I was hoping to get involved. But, instead of serving the greater good for eating disorders, I had to serve artery-clogging burgers and fries, contributing to the high cholesterol-hypertention-heart disease-obesity epidemic that plagues millions in this country--for the individuals as well as tax payers. But that's another discussion. Well, if I couldn't go to NEDA, at least they came to me.

I had the fortunate experience of waiting on four ED professionals, enabling me to share my thoughts in between Diet Coke and Iced Tea refills. I felt a little envy for being unable to walk for NEDA, but grateful that I was able to make a connection. Next year I will for sure be walking, and not kissing asses to high-maintenance Upper West Siders, in hopes of a 20% tip. Ahem.