The Abyss of Bad Body Image...Don't Get Sucked Under!

How many times in your life have you been having a perfectly pleasant day and then suddenly find yourself drowning in negative body image? In an instant, you feel like X body part has tripled in size even though, rationally, you know that is not possible. Over the course of my life, throughout relapse and recovery, I have had countless moments like this. Every therapist I have gone to throughout my life told me that "body image is the last thing to go" in ED recovery. As a therapist working with ED clients, I endorse this train of thought as well.

Given our culture, I don't know that body image ever fully dissipates. The notion that in order to be successful and beautiful you must be skinny penetrates every media outlet. So, everywhere you go, watch, and read the message is clear. Plenty of women without EDs have moments of "feeling fat" or thinking their quality of life would improve if their pants were just a bit looser. Rationally we know that this is not true, but our minds--ED or not--are not always rational. So, even after years in recovery or being fully recovered, there may be momentary flashes of negative body images.

I would be misrepresenting myself if I said that I don't ever experience body image issues. However, the major difference today is HOW I CHOOSE TO RESPOND. Today when that negative voice tries to disrupt my happiness, I realize that I have a choice. I can choose to listen to it and really get into self-hatred. Or, I can choose to not listen, knowing that nothing good can come out of it. If it pervades and tries to lure me further by giving me a sudden awareness of a certain body part, I have to really ask myself what else is going on? If I am okay with my body one minute, but having issues the next, then, clearly, this is not about body image.

My clients often ask me, so HOW do you choose not to engage in negative body image??? Here are a few actions that work for me:
1.) I recognize that I am having negative thoughts about my body.
2.) I explore possible explanations as to why the thoughts are occurring at this particular moment. Many might think that there are no explanations, and that it "just happens." I encourage you to dig a bit deeper with this. Even if it is ED talking and thus doesn't need explanations, ED is not a separate entity that lives in your brain. It may feel like that, however, you are the only person that is actually thinking and listening to your thoughts.

3.) I MAKE A DECISION NOT TO ENGAGE. More than that, I have to ask myself, DO I WANT TO ENGAGE IN SELF-LOVE OR SELF-HATRED TODAY??? This is what it really comes down to. It might feel like you haven't any choice, but YOU DO!!! I'm not saying it is easy, but you can do this. It is difficult to want to choose self-love when it is so comfortable to emotionally beat yourself up. Recovery from negative body image is hard work, but it is far from impossible!

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: FOR THIS MOMENT, I HAVE THE ABILITY TO THINK POSITIVELY ABOUT MYSELF. :)

Natalie Portman and the Black Swan: A Perfect Performance of Insanity

Recently I saw the movie Black Swan. Besides the buzz around it, because I’m a former professional dancer, in recovery for eating disorders, and a therapist, I thought it would be the perfect movie for me to see. Yes, there was a slue of self-destruction. Yes, it portrayed the perfection requisite to a ballet career. So what?

Well, what I thought was kind of genius about the movie was how the director eternally depicted what goes on inside the unbalanced, perfectionist, eating-disordered mind. The duality of the White Swan and Black Swan characters Natalie Portman played in The Black Swan symbolized an exaggeration of the “good” and “bad” mindset I spoke about in my first post.

What I liked is that it gave the audience a real look into the mindset of self-destruction. While not everyone can relate to such a severe level of self-hatred and insanity, people do have internal battles to a lesser degree, which makes Portman’s character all the more relatable. The timing of the movie is interesting. Like the many reality shows concerning addiction and mental health on TV today, I think the fact that a movie (even if not in reality) is portraying the complete mental insanity that occurs in the perfect world of ballet, illustrates that the stigma around mental health issues are slowing diminishing. All of which is refreshing.

I’m going to see the movie again to completely wrap my brain around it.

Good Day or Bad Day… Which Do I Choose Today?

In the past, my life was divided into “good” days and “bad” days. The determining factors were how flat my stomach was in the morning, how much I weighed, how my pants fit that day (which was especially risky had they been recently washed), and how I stuck to the diet I’d obsessively planned out the day before. Complete self-torture.

Because what defined “good” for me was driven by need for my body to be perfect, almost every day became a “bad” day. Whether walking along a strip mall in Kansas or traipsing down Broadway in NYC, my sense of self was determined by how I looked compared to everyone else I passed on the streets … and on my most days, I couldn’t compete. Today I feel fortunate I don’t live like that anymore.

What I realized, after many therapy sessions, is that I am the one judging myself and making up crazy rules about how my day will turn out. Essentially, I am choosing to think badly or highly about myself. Why do I want to be that mean to myself, really? Has it helped me thus far? When I used to ask myself these questions, the answers were usually that I hated myself and it hasn’t helped me. If I can choose to be negative, then I can certainly choose to think positively, and thus feel happier.

Today, I don’t define my days in such black-and-white terms. I can easily get caught up in negative self-talk, but when it happens, I don’t entertain it. I look at it like a symptom that’s telling me something else is going on, and then I reframe my thoughts. None of us are perfect, but we all have positive qualities that make us who we are. For anyone struggling with these issues, I’m here to tell you, There Is Hope!

NYC Ballet Dancer Jenifer Ringer Criticized for Being "Overweight"

NY Times dance critic Alastair Macaulay probably should've completed one more revision of his choreographed commentary for NYC Ballet's production of "The Nutcracker." Perhaps if he'd chosen to edit his harsh view of the Sugar Plum Fairy--played by Jenifer Ringer--whom he stated "looked as if she'd eaten one too many sugar plums," there wouldn't be so many tutus and ballet pink tights in a wad.

As a therapist, recovering bulimic, and former dancer, I have mixed thoughts about the NY Times article. My therapist and recovering self is outraged by such insincerity; especially when Ms. Ringer has talked about her issues with eating and self-esteem, which were perpetuated by the ballet world. As a former dancer, albeit not primarily classical ballet, I was never told I was fat. However, there were a couple of times when I was told that my body would be perfect if I'd just "tone up" a little. What was difficult for me was living in LA and being criticized by agents or choreographers about my look or style, and the constant type-casting. The message was clear: You aren't good enough. Period.

While it hurts to be judged in the dance world, it wasn't unexpected. My years of taking classes daily, spending hours scrutinizing every movement, every body line, every inch of my body--while trying to get the ballet mistress' attention and stand out more than your classmates--prepared me for the professional world of dance. I knew what I was getting into. It fed right into my naturally masochistic nature. Home sweet home.

Getting back to the article, though ... I do find it RIDICULOUS that, of all things, knowing that Jenifer has had past ED and self-esteem issues, Macaulay had to comment on her body. Wasn't it enough that he said she didn't dance with adult depth or complexity? Tsk, tsk Macaulay.

As a therapist who wants to help those who struggle with food and body images issues, I can't help but wonder how many more young girls and women will be triggered by his critique. So, he's getting a lot of flack for his comments--the message is on point: You need to be THINNER.

Ms. Ringer responded on the Today Show about being criticized, stating that because of where she is in her life now, she can move forward from it. Here are some of her comments below.

"I was 16 when I became professional and I think I wasn’t prepared to cope with just being in an adult performing world, and so I think my coping mechanisms kind of turned into eating disorders and body image issues."

"As a dancer I do put myself out there to be criticized and my body is part of my art form. At the same time I’m not overweight. I do have I guess a more womanly body type than the stereotypical ballerina."

I agree with her comments. It's clear that she has Grand Jete'd from her past insecurities to a life of health and sanity. BRAVO!

stomach, not hunger, pangs

The one thing that still plagues me is being able to feel my stomach. If you looked at me, you wouldn't think I'd have a reason to be as aware as I am about the area of space that exists between my sternum and hip bones. But I do.

It's not that I have excess fat rolls on my stomach, because I don't. But, because I'm a former professional dancer, I didn't have excesses of anything, whether it be skin or fat, until I was 28 years old. Just to prove to myself that I'm not as fat as I feel, I've spent much time standing in front of various mirrors taking pictures of myself with my iphone(of my backside, which makes aiming the camera a challenge). Every time, I'm shocked when my, seemingly, larger-than-life "love handles" are not as large as they feel.

The thing is that while I've come to accept my "healthy" self, I've yet to embrace how my healthier self feels when I put on fitted clothing, when I sit, and how it feels before, during, and after I eat.

I know, though, like everything else that has dissipated after I've practiced acceptance long enough, this will, too (I hope).

After all... why is it so bad to be able to feel my stomach? Where did I learn that it wasn't okay?

Body Image...Creeping towards sanity

Hello,

It has been a long time since my last post! Between my final semester of college and social work internship, it's hard to squeeze in entries. I've made a new commitment to myself and to my blog, so here goes...

Throughout my recovery, I have been waiting for the day when the insane body image buster voice in my head can be squashed indefinitely.

Enter cognitive distortion number one. Body image does not magically disappear just because I have solid recovery time!!

So during my group therapy the other day, you can imagine how proud I was to announce to the group, "I can't believe it. Every time I've looked in the mirror this week, I actually accepted what I saw, imperfections and all!" I couldn't believe it. I had arrived. I could now accept my body.

Enter cognitive disortion number two. For me, body image acceptance isn't a terminal state of mind.

Less than twenty-four hours later, I stand in front of the mirror to mentally solidify this ground-breaking level of acceptance. With my backside facing the mirror and my head cocked, becoming owl-like, I begin monitoring the level of toneness of my back for any post-body-image-acceptance changes. I leaned to the side in a way I had never leaned before...and there it was. My head went into shock as I looked at my newfound fat roll, and suddenly, it all became clear. What was I thinking before??? I must have been in a delusional, recovery blur to think that my body was imperfectly perfect!

So the next week at group therapy, I inform the group of the transitory state of my body image acceptance. After hearing me rant about how I had never leaned that way and how my acceptance was a big fat recovery ruse, my therapist had a simple solution for me..."Next time you're looking in the mirror, DON'T LEAN THAT WAY."

I now know why my therapist gets paid the big bucks!

The point to all of this is that recovery and all the coexisting insanity is a cyclical process. At least for me, I don't think that I will ever arrive at this utopian, blissful state of mind with my body image, but it does get easier. For today, I like (I admit that quietly) my body.

Cliche for the day: The pain is in the resistance.