Eating Disorder Transitional Living...Bridging the Gap

In an article published on May 7th, the Kansas City Star announced the opening of Thalia House, a transitional living house for women recovering from eating disorders. Given that I grew up in KC, and also the place where my eating disorder came alive, I am so excited for Thalia House's presence in the area.

When I lived in Kansas City, I had two stints at Baptist Memorial Hospital, in the eating disorder unit. The first was a 30-day stint, and the second was a 60-day stint. While I learned many tools and did not binge, purge, or starve while in the hospital, I relapsed within a couple days of discharge. The reason was not because I didn't know what I needed to do. It wasn't because I was a horrible person. It was because eating disorders are a BEAST. To go from 24-hour care to being thrown back in your old environment equates to relapse, in many cases.

What I needed was a step-down, or transitional, program. Of course, a place like Thalia House did not exist at that time. Even the few 12-Step OA meetings in the area did not really address anorexia and bulimia.

When I finally went to Sierra Tucson, a 28-day program in Arizona, they shed light on the need of the continuation of treatment. From there, I went to Turning Point of Tampa for 3 months, which was a step-down from Tucson. At Turning Point, I learned accountability for my actions and practiced being abstinent. Even after my discharge from Turning Point, I had some relapses. Eating disorders are tough. But, I practiced new behaviors, and my recovery time grew.

The person struggling with an eating disorder, family members, and even professionals often lack the knowledge or discount the power of the disease. Anyone who thinks that if you just eat X, Y, and Z three times a day then the eating disorder will go away is sorely mistaken. We don't want to admit it, face it, deal with it. But recovery requires a lot of work and SUPPORT. In this case, Ignorance is NOT Bliss.

While "sober" living houses have been around forever, primarily located near treatment centers, it's nice to see that eating disorder group homes popping up in more places. It is so needed! The ED epidemic continues to grow, and I'm guessing ED transitional living will grow, too. 'Hope so!

Eating Disorders: The Dis-ease of Never Having Enough and Wanting More

Eating disorders are complex in that a myriad of issues can trigger them. It isn't as if it is just one struggle. It is biopsychosocial, meaning, one's biology, psychological state, and social environment can create the perfect recipe for an eating disorder.

While there are many characteristics, one ED theme seems to be the thought of never having (or being) enough, and always striving for more. Maybe there's not enough love, or you feel you aren't enough. In any case, it can drive one (us) to constantly seek perfection through achievements or become people-pleasers--trying to overcompensate for our innate defects as human beings. If we can have enough or be enough, then we are okay. The problem is that we are left always wanting more. If our want is unfilled, then we are back to feeling not enough.

For many with eating disorders, this translates into our relationship with food and our bodies. We try to get to the perfect weight, the perfect pant size. Even if we know we aren't fat, we'd still like to be a little smaller; just to feel more comfortable. Some of us push away food, while many of us crave more, long after we've met our daily caloric intake.

What I have learned throughout the years, is that I may always want more... of everything. What I try to practice daily, and imperfectly, is sitting with the uncomfortable feeling of wanting more and not acting on it with a late-night snack. I'm not always successful, but I get more successful as the years go by. I still can comfort myself with food from time to time; my abstinence will never be that black-and-white perfection. But, I stick to my bottom lines. For me, that is what "normal" eating is. Some days you may not eat quite enough, some days a little too much. And other days, just the perfect amount. I will probably always strive for perfection, but that doesn't mean I have to be perfect.

Diet Pepsi 'Skinny' Can is Canned by Eating Disorder Activists

Pepsi advertisers are in a big fat mess. The new skinny can that is launching just in time for New York's Fashion Week -- as well as National Eating Disorders Awareness Week -- has ED activists on fire, shaming Pepsi for promoting anything skinny.

Lynn Grefe, President and CEO of NEDA commented on the situation:

"It is painful that a major fortune 500 company needs to denigrate the majority of women in this country to sell their products. Most women are not skinny, nor should we encourage them to be anything but their own personal healthy size. The focus should be on health. All women – whatever their body type – should be sassy and confident in their individuality and their beauty. Pepsi should be ashamed for declaring that skinny is to be celebrated. The many millions suffering from eating disorders in this country would disagree."

"PepsiCo’s comments are both thoughtless and irresponsible," Grefe continued. “Their shameful misdirection is further exemplified by tying the launch of this offensive marketing campaign to Fashion Week, where women’s body types are atypical at best … and unhealthy as to be fatal at worst."

While I think it is wrong for advertisers to keep subliminally hammering the thin ideal into our minds -- especially the minds of impressionable children and adolescents -- the reality is that our culture values thinness. It is just one of many triggers in the world to encourage and perpetuate eating disorders.

I'm wondering ... will Pepsi come out with a 'fat' can for regular pepsi, to promote weight gain, diabetes, and cardiovascular disease from drinking all-sugar beverages? My guess is a big, fat NO.

While Pepsi execs assert that the new can is to celebrate confident women, Jill Beraud, the company's chief marketing officer, stated, "Our slim, attractive new can is the perfect complement to today’s most stylish looks." Once again the message is clear: Thin and attractive equals confidence and self-love. While I know that the opposite doesn't promote confidence and self-love, can't we find a media middle ground???

Self-love, Eating Disorder Recovery, and Katy Perry

At my OA Meetings last week, I kept hearing the same message: Self-love is about taking ACTION. Now, I know this already, I mean, it's pretty obvious that HP doesn't just drop the gift of self-love from the sky. WE have to CREATE it through action. In order to create self-love we first have to have the awareness to want to do so.

I stumbled upon a great post on a SELF.com blog which discusses self-love as it pertains to body image. The blogger, Lucy, used Katy Perry's "Firework" song to show we do all have a spark inside, and we should take the actions to let it shine! The problem for many (I used to be one) is that we're so used to (and comfortable with) self-hatred that we are afraid to take action that might actually make us feel better. That is INSANITY! The disease of addiction, body-hatred, self-hatred--whatever dis-ease you feel--is sneaky and wants nothing more for us than to be miserable.

All I need to do to get into right action is to ask myself a few questions:

Is this action going to make me feel good about myself?

How will I feel tomorrow if I do this behavior?

Do I want to hate myself today or love myself?

All are similar, but I have to tell my brain things several different ways in order for it to listen.

Everything in recovery is truly about ACTING your way into right thinking. Everything. In the meeting I went to yesterday, the qualifier mentioned that she turns her actions of recovery over to her sponsor, like she would her food. I love that and will start implementing that TODAY, just for today.

What actions will you take today? Self-hate or Self-love?

Natalie Portman and the Black Swan: A Perfect Performance of Insanity

Recently I saw the movie Black Swan. Besides the buzz around it, because I’m a former professional dancer, in recovery for eating disorders, and a therapist, I thought it would be the perfect movie for me to see. Yes, there was a slue of self-destruction. Yes, it portrayed the perfection requisite to a ballet career. So what?

Well, what I thought was kind of genius about the movie was how the director eternally depicted what goes on inside the unbalanced, perfectionist, eating-disordered mind. The duality of the White Swan and Black Swan characters Natalie Portman played in The Black Swan symbolized an exaggeration of the “good” and “bad” mindset I spoke about in my first post.

What I liked is that it gave the audience a real look into the mindset of self-destruction. While not everyone can relate to such a severe level of self-hatred and insanity, people do have internal battles to a lesser degree, which makes Portman’s character all the more relatable. The timing of the movie is interesting. Like the many reality shows concerning addiction and mental health on TV today, I think the fact that a movie (even if not in reality) is portraying the complete mental insanity that occurs in the perfect world of ballet, illustrates that the stigma around mental health issues are slowing diminishing. All of which is refreshing.

I’m going to see the movie again to completely wrap my brain around it.

Good Day or Bad Day… Which Do I Choose Today?

In the past, my life was divided into “good” days and “bad” days. The determining factors were how flat my stomach was in the morning, how much I weighed, how my pants fit that day (which was especially risky had they been recently washed), and how I stuck to the diet I’d obsessively planned out the day before. Complete self-torture.

Because what defined “good” for me was driven by need for my body to be perfect, almost every day became a “bad” day. Whether walking along a strip mall in Kansas or traipsing down Broadway in NYC, my sense of self was determined by how I looked compared to everyone else I passed on the streets … and on my most days, I couldn’t compete. Today I feel fortunate I don’t live like that anymore.

What I realized, after many therapy sessions, is that I am the one judging myself and making up crazy rules about how my day will turn out. Essentially, I am choosing to think badly or highly about myself. Why do I want to be that mean to myself, really? Has it helped me thus far? When I used to ask myself these questions, the answers were usually that I hated myself and it hasn’t helped me. If I can choose to be negative, then I can certainly choose to think positively, and thus feel happier.

Today, I don’t define my days in such black-and-white terms. I can easily get caught up in negative self-talk, but when it happens, I don’t entertain it. I look at it like a symptom that’s telling me something else is going on, and then I reframe my thoughts. None of us are perfect, but we all have positive qualities that make us who we are. For anyone struggling with these issues, I’m here to tell you, There Is Hope!

NYC Ballet Dancer Jenifer Ringer Criticized for Being "Overweight"

NY Times dance critic Alastair Macaulay probably should've completed one more revision of his choreographed commentary for NYC Ballet's production of "The Nutcracker." Perhaps if he'd chosen to edit his harsh view of the Sugar Plum Fairy--played by Jenifer Ringer--whom he stated "looked as if she'd eaten one too many sugar plums," there wouldn't be so many tutus and ballet pink tights in a wad.

As a therapist, recovering bulimic, and former dancer, I have mixed thoughts about the NY Times article. My therapist and recovering self is outraged by such insincerity; especially when Ms. Ringer has talked about her issues with eating and self-esteem, which were perpetuated by the ballet world. As a former dancer, albeit not primarily classical ballet, I was never told I was fat. However, there were a couple of times when I was told that my body would be perfect if I'd just "tone up" a little. What was difficult for me was living in LA and being criticized by agents or choreographers about my look or style, and the constant type-casting. The message was clear: You aren't good enough. Period.

While it hurts to be judged in the dance world, it wasn't unexpected. My years of taking classes daily, spending hours scrutinizing every movement, every body line, every inch of my body--while trying to get the ballet mistress' attention and stand out more than your classmates--prepared me for the professional world of dance. I knew what I was getting into. It fed right into my naturally masochistic nature. Home sweet home.

Getting back to the article, though ... I do find it RIDICULOUS that, of all things, knowing that Jenifer has had past ED and self-esteem issues, Macaulay had to comment on her body. Wasn't it enough that he said she didn't dance with adult depth or complexity? Tsk, tsk Macaulay.

As a therapist who wants to help those who struggle with food and body images issues, I can't help but wonder how many more young girls and women will be triggered by his critique. So, he's getting a lot of flack for his comments--the message is on point: You need to be THINNER.

Ms. Ringer responded on the Today Show about being criticized, stating that because of where she is in her life now, she can move forward from it. Here are some of her comments below.

"I was 16 when I became professional and I think I wasn’t prepared to cope with just being in an adult performing world, and so I think my coping mechanisms kind of turned into eating disorders and body image issues."

"As a dancer I do put myself out there to be criticized and my body is part of my art form. At the same time I’m not overweight. I do have I guess a more womanly body type than the stereotypical ballerina."

I agree with her comments. It's clear that she has Grand Jete'd from her past insecurities to a life of health and sanity. BRAVO!