Attention Followers! Moving Blog To My Personal Website!!!!

Hi Everyone!!! Just wanted to say THANK YOU so much for following me all of this time on Blogger! I just launched my website. I also just launched a facebook page for my memoir that just came out--Something Spectacular: The True Story of a Rockette's Battle with Bulimia. Also, I have a new Twitter Page!

Check it out!

Website: http://www.gretagleissner.com

Blog: http://www.gretagleissner.com/blog/

Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/SomethingSpectacularBook

Twitter: @gretagleissner

Memoir Release!

Hi Everyone, Just wanted to let you know that my memoir, Something Spectacular: The True Story of a Rockette's Battle with Bulimia, will be released online May 29th! Check out a preview on Amazon.com or B&N.com :)

Pie in the Sky

Recently there has been a similar theme in several of the clients I work with. I guess the easiest way to describe it is that many have great difficulty imagining what recovery and freedom from the eating disorder looks like since they are in the beginning of their process.

I had one client say, "Recovery is like some 'Pie in the Sky' concept. I hear all of these people talk about what their experiences with EDs were like and how great their life is now. But what I don't hear is HOW their life got to be so wonderful."

It can be so difficult in new recovery to imagine how life can feel safe and fulfilling in the absence of the eating disorder. Just HOW is one supposed to deal with thoughts of emptiness, shame, guilt, self-loathing, body image issues, etc. The HOW is the work and it isn't always fun to do.

I am on the other side of this. HOW I got to where I am in recovery today is by identifying the psychodynamic issues, identifying my beliefs about myself around those issues, challenging my belief system, being willing to look at alternative perspectives, incorporating a new thought process and belief system into my daily life, implementing new coping mechanisms, and practicing not using ED symptoms. WOW, that's a bit exhausting just writing it!! BUT... it is SOOOOO worth it!!! And possible!

Coupled with this, it is imperative to have a desire to change, believe you have an ability to change, believe there is a reason to change, and believe there is a need to change, then YOU can commit to your recovery. Of the four areas in bold, if you feel ambivalent about any of those areas then that can be a good place to start the "HOW" work.

The "HOW" is about what you do on a daily basis. Making small, attainable goals is what I have found to be most helpful. Where are you in the process???

Patience and Perseverance is Key!

So often I hear patients in early recovery questioning whether it is really working because they don't feel better already. They share their discouragement about how they are working really hard and discuss just how hard it is to not engage in their eating disorder.

The first thing I usually ask is how long have they been working on their recovery versus the length of time being in the eating disorder. The answer is usually along the lines of, "Well, I've been in my ED for 5 years and have been in recovery for two months." Most often a smile appears on their faces shortly thereafter as they realize that it might be unrealistic to expect complete satisfaction with their lives after such a short period in recovery.

I remember when I was in early recovery thinking similarly. Recovery is difficult and it often feels unnatural in the beginning--simply because it is! It's hard to use coping mechanisms that are healthy when you're so used to relying on the ED to deal with your emotions. How courageous of you to be willing to do the work!! AND, it DOES get EASIER over time.

I had a philosophy professor that put it like this: Your mind is like a muscle. Thinking differently is like going back to exercising after an injury. At first it is hard, it may even hurt, and you may not want to go back to the gym. But, with some patience and perseverance, it gets easier. You may even start to feel stronger.

Recovery thinking is exactly the same. The more you do it, the easier it gets, and the stronger you feel about your recovery.

How are you feeling about recovery today???

Vogue Advocating For EDs...An Airbrushed Reality?

I want to believe that it's true, but my cynical side has some serious doubts. Last week, Vogue announced that it will no longer knowingly use models who are under the age of 16 or who look like they have eating disorders.

If the fashion world is defining what an eating disorder "looks like," I question how different the models strutting down the runway will look. Unless the lens of the fashion world has lasic surgery, correcting their long-held distortions and dysmorphia, I question how corrective this measure can actually be. "Who" and "what" measure will solidify the distinction between what defines unhealthy for magazine standards? I highly doubt they will be pulling out the DSM to see the critieria of anorexia nervosa.

To their credit, I do applaud Vogue for putting Scarlett Johansson and Adele on recent covers. They also get points for at least being thoughtful enough to say that they will "structure mentor programs" to help endorse their new "Health is Beauty" concept.

If Vogue follows through and this is not just hype, then this could have huge implications for influencing what impressionable girls, adolescents, and young women strive for. Moreover, it has the potential to change the visual, social, and emotional landscape for what one defines as beautiful and successful.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this!!!

"Urge Surfing"

An important concept the patients learn at Renfrew is Urge Surfing. That is, you ride the wave of the urge to use ED symptoms until it passes. For so many years, I couldn't see that there was a psychological surfboard on which I could ride the crashing waves of my urges and cravings. I would have a thought to binge or purge and it would automatically send me into the action. As if I didn't have a choice. I could have saved years of time wasted on the ED if I had been willing to wait out the emotional storm.

Urge surfing takes SO MUCH practice! It is much like real surfing in that when you first get on the board to surf the urge, you feel afraid, uneasy, and off balance for not giving into the ED behaviors you're so used to. But the more you practice getting back on the board and do the balancing act of recovery, which means resisting those urges, the more steady and grounded you will feel when urge surfing. The waves actually become less intense because you gain confidence in your ability to urge surf the more you do it.

In order to surf your urges, you have to know that YOU don't have to be defeated by them! It is SO hard to remember in the moment that a thought or an urge doesn't mean you throw in your beach towel! It means you get on your board and get ready to ride the wave of the urge. It is an OPPORTUNITY to strengthen your recovery. Don't wait until tomorrow ... you may get swept under the wave, never seeing tomorrow. Start to surf those urges TODAY!

The Abyss of Bad Body Image...Don't Get Sucked Under!

How many times in your life have you been having a perfectly pleasant day and then suddenly find yourself drowning in negative body image? In an instant, you feel like X body part has tripled in size even though, rationally, you know that is not possible. Over the course of my life, throughout relapse and recovery, I have had countless moments like this. Every therapist I have gone to throughout my life told me that "body image is the last thing to go" in ED recovery. As a therapist working with ED clients, I endorse this train of thought as well.

Given our culture, I don't know that body image ever fully dissipates. The notion that in order to be successful and beautiful you must be skinny penetrates every media outlet. So, everywhere you go, watch, and read the message is clear. Plenty of women without EDs have moments of "feeling fat" or thinking their quality of life would improve if their pants were just a bit looser. Rationally we know that this is not true, but our minds--ED or not--are not always rational. So, even after years in recovery or being fully recovered, there may be momentary flashes of negative body images.

I would be misrepresenting myself if I said that I don't ever experience body image issues. However, the major difference today is HOW I CHOOSE TO RESPOND. Today when that negative voice tries to disrupt my happiness, I realize that I have a choice. I can choose to listen to it and really get into self-hatred. Or, I can choose to not listen, knowing that nothing good can come out of it. If it pervades and tries to lure me further by giving me a sudden awareness of a certain body part, I have to really ask myself what else is going on? If I am okay with my body one minute, but having issues the next, then, clearly, this is not about body image.

My clients often ask me, so HOW do you choose not to engage in negative body image??? Here are a few actions that work for me:
1.) I recognize that I am having negative thoughts about my body.
2.) I explore possible explanations as to why the thoughts are occurring at this particular moment. Many might think that there are no explanations, and that it "just happens." I encourage you to dig a bit deeper with this. Even if it is ED talking and thus doesn't need explanations, ED is not a separate entity that lives in your brain. It may feel like that, however, you are the only person that is actually thinking and listening to your thoughts.

3.) I MAKE A DECISION NOT TO ENGAGE. More than that, I have to ask myself, DO I WANT TO ENGAGE IN SELF-LOVE OR SELF-HATRED TODAY??? This is what it really comes down to. It might feel like you haven't any choice, but YOU DO!!! I'm not saying it is easy, but you can do this. It is difficult to want to choose self-love when it is so comfortable to emotionally beat yourself up. Recovery from negative body image is hard work, but it is far from impossible!

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: FOR THIS MOMENT, I HAVE THE ABILITY TO THINK POSITIVELY ABOUT MYSELF. :)

Dis-Ease or Disease?

At least two times a week, my clients at Renfrew will inquire about whether an eating disorder is a disease, like in alcoholism, or if this is a disorder one can fully recover from and never have to think about again. Looking into their eyes, eyes that reflect a desperate desire to know that they can fully recover, I want to tell all of them that full recovery is possible for everyone. However, that is not my immediate answer.

First, I have to define how I'm defining "fully recovered." I think of recovered as no longer relating to having an eating disorder, not using eating disorder symptoms as maladaptive coping mechanisms, not being plagued by the ED voice, not concerned with weight/body image issues, not struggling with wanting to use symptoms, and not engaging in symptom use. Now I know there are others to add to this list, but you get the picture.

I believe that some will fully recovery while others will be in recovery for the rest of their lives. I think are a variety of variables that determine whether one will have a period of dis-ease with an eating disorder, or will have a disease that will have to be managed for the rest of one's life. Some variables could be developmental stage, age of onset, age of first intervention, number of years in ED before entering treatment, ability to restore weight, chronicity, level of support structure, family history of mental illness, co-occurring disorders, trauma, external antecedents, inability to alter worldview and belief system, etc. And there are so many more. I think the closest answer to the truth is that we don't really have much evidenced based knowledge what makes someone fully recover. I think of it similarly to having siblings who grow up where their parents are alcoholics--one sibling becomes an alcoholic later in life, and the other is, seemingly, without pathology. Why is that?

If eating disorders were reduced to issues of weight restoration and symptom management, my guess is that it would be much easier to have evidence based predictors of full recovery. But, as we know, the food and juxtaposed behaviors are merely a symptom. Can we predict that the prognosis for a 14 year-old who goes into treatment after a 6-month period of anorexia nervosa with no co-morbidity will be better than the 25 year-old anorexic with a history of trauma and substance abuse? Probably--but not absolutely.

I think that many can fully recover from an eating disorder. I just don't how realistic it is to claim that everyone can fully recover. In the last decade, I have had hundreds of interactions with women (not adolescents) who feel that they will be in recovery for the rest of their lives. It doesn't mean that they are imprisoned by an eating disorder and are actively using symptoms. It simply means there is some level of daily maintenance to sustain long-term recovery. Even if one can't be "fully recovered" and are in recovery, is that really such a bad thing???

"I FEEL FAT"

I recently attended a conference where psychologist Ann Kearney-Cooke gave a fantastic lecture about body image and decoding the language of I feel fat. Her philosophy is that a situation occurs--it could be you just tried on a pair of jeans that were tight or something completely unrelated, like you got angry with your sister--which then triggers you to become negatively focused on your body image in some way. Suddenly you are aware of this body part or that body part, and end up "feeling" fat.

This feeling distracts you from an emotion, thought, or belief you had (have) about yourself regarding the situation that occurred just before you had the negative body image thought. It may sound confusing, but think about it the next time you start body checking or focusing on negative body image thoughts. What prompts you to start focusing on your body image? Many of you might say that it just "happens" and is automatic.

While that might be true because body checking and the hyper focus on body image becomes habitual, I challenge you to start being mindful of specific situations that trigger body image thoughts. Just what are you distracting yourself from? It is often much easier to focus on body image than to face the deeper implications of your emotional/mental/cognitive state.

For instance, if you pass another woman on the street, make a comparison (and subsequent judgment on yourself), and suddenly "feel" fat, then maybe you are distracting yourself from your belief that you just don't feel good enough. This might lead to the fact that you're single, which then could lead to the feeling that you will never be in a relationship because you don't feel good enough or pretty enough, which could then trigger your ultimate fear of being alone and abandoned. After that takes place in a millisecond (perhaps on a less conscious or subconscious level), you suddenly look down at your thighs and believe they are so much larger than they were 30 seconds ago. Pardon my long example, but this is how it can happen.

Maybe it is completely unrelated to body image, like, you are worried about getting into graduate school or are procrastinating about studying for a test. It is much easier to focus on body image, as well as engage in ED behaviors than to face potential failure or to have to buckle down and face the dread of doing something you don't want to do.

I think it is common to think of ED symptom use as what you actually do with food. But, body checking and focusing on body image is also an eating disorder symptom. Whether it is the food or the body image, all of it serves as a distraction to a larger issue. So, as you go through your day today and catch yourself body checking or focusing negatively on some part of yourself, ask yourself the question, "How is my body image distracting me from being present?"

Opening a Window of Opportunity

Countless number of times when active in the eating disorder, I'd have a thought to use an eating disorder symptom and, before I knew it, I'd be standing in a grocery store buying binge food or find myself in a bathroom, unable to account for the time that lapsed between the thought of using the eating disorder and the action. As if I'd had tunnel vision, my consciousness only able to see the option of using eating disorder symptoms for dealing with my emotions.

Working as a psychotherapist, I hear this story day after day from clients. I often will retrace the steps of a client's slip, only to hear her unclear as to how she arrived at her symptomatic state, which seems to create an added layer of guilt and hopelessness much of the time. As if it was just something that "happened" to her and all of a sudden she was in relapsive behavior. I truly empathize with my clients in these moments, as it can feel like such a state of self-defeat.

Perhaps the most important thing I learned in early recovery was that my thought did not have to lead to an action. I learned that I needed to create a window of space, an opportunity that gave me time to collect my often-irrational and emotionally-charged thoughts and actually CHOOSE a way to deal with the situation, urge, or feeling with adaptive coping skills instead of self-destructive behaviors.

In order to do this I had to:

1. Be mindful of what was happening with me internally.
2. I had to literally stop and become conscious of the here-and-now and acknowledge my eating disordered urges.
3. I also had to remind myself that a thought is just a thought. I am going to have these thoughts, but that does not mean I have to act on them.
4. Next, I had to make a decision and not keep entertaining the urge to use ED symptoms. A symptom cannot thrive without attending to it.
5. Once I made my decision, I then had to create a plan for what I was going to do instead of use ED symptoms. This came in the form of using healthy distractions, leaving my environment, reaching out for support, etc.
6. Finally, I had to take action and remind myself that the urge will pass, if I let it.

In order to break the eating disorder cycle, you have to be able to tolerate your emotions long enough to get to the other side of them. To know that you CAN tolerate any emotion, no matter how uncomfortable. Today, think about and write down ways you can create distance between your thoughts and actions when an urge strikes. Come up with a list of coping skills (self-talk, playing the tape through, reaching out to others, meditation, taking a gentle walk, etc.) you feel you could actually use in the moment.

As an experiment, the next time you have an urge to use ED symptoms, put your plan into action and give yourself a real window of opportunity for recovery. The window may appear to be jammed, locked, or hard to open. But you have the power to open it and create a different outcome. Eating disorders are deadly, and you never know if you will have a tomorrow to start over for. Start today--you deserve it!

Eating Disorder Recovery Milestones

One major milestone in ED recovery is when time passes and you don't think about your eating disorder. What I mean is that you don't wonder about or entertain the thoughts of purging after a meal, or restricting until dinner. You don't have to exercise to burn calories. You can wear clothes even if they might make you look heavier than you are. More importantly, you can go out in public on a "fat" day. Most importantly, your "fat" days are fewer and farther in between.

While I have been in recovery for a long time, my eating disorder was a treacherous battle that lasted for nearly half of my life. The eating disorder voice, though much quieter, can still be present. When this happens, it is an indication that something else is going on.

Given that it is a holiday weekend, I have an extra day off. In the past, I would cherish a day off to rest, only to ruin it with a weekend of bingeing and purging--which would make me needing a vacation by the time I returned to work.

I woke up today, however, and realized that I haven't been obsessing or thinking about food at all, really. One early in recovery or a person without having an eating disorder might think that it is odd that after all of these years I can still think of food. Given our culture, it is nearly impossible NOT to think of food, weight, body image, etc. What can I say? When you come from a place of purging 20-30 times a day for half of your life, you are bound to hear ED thoughts, even years later. That is just a reality. It isn't everyone's--especially when EDs come in all forms, with different levels of severity and chronicity--but it is mine.

Does that mean I am imprisoned by it still? NO. For many years in my recovery, I still had a notion of "getting back" to that "perfect" weight again, or thinking that I could use the ED to fall back on if I needed to from time to time. But then, I got to a place where I JUST DON'T CARE. While the ED voice sometimes try to entice me, trying to engage me and reminisce about days when I was thinner (and miserable), I don't care about it enough to do anything about it.

The message.... LIFE is so much more than the ED--REALLY. Yes, it serves as a nice distraction and gives one a false sense of security and protection. But that is just a cruel ruse. EDs waste time and waste lives. For those struggling and reading this--YOU can recover!!!!

Eating Disorder Transitional Living...Bridging the Gap

In an article published on May 7th, the Kansas City Star announced the opening of Thalia House, a transitional living house for women recovering from eating disorders. Given that I grew up in KC, and also the place where my eating disorder came alive, I am so excited for Thalia House's presence in the area.

When I lived in Kansas City, I had two stints at Baptist Memorial Hospital, in the eating disorder unit. The first was a 30-day stint, and the second was a 60-day stint. While I learned many tools and did not binge, purge, or starve while in the hospital, I relapsed within a couple days of discharge. The reason was not because I didn't know what I needed to do. It wasn't because I was a horrible person. It was because eating disorders are a BEAST. To go from 24-hour care to being thrown back in your old environment equates to relapse, in many cases.

What I needed was a step-down, or transitional, program. Of course, a place like Thalia House did not exist at that time. Even the few 12-Step OA meetings in the area did not really address anorexia and bulimia.

When I finally went to Sierra Tucson, a 28-day program in Arizona, they shed light on the need of the continuation of treatment. From there, I went to Turning Point of Tampa for 3 months, which was a step-down from Tucson. At Turning Point, I learned accountability for my actions and practiced being abstinent. Even after my discharge from Turning Point, I had some relapses. Eating disorders are tough. But, I practiced new behaviors, and my recovery time grew.

The person struggling with an eating disorder, family members, and even professionals often lack the knowledge or discount the power of the disease. Anyone who thinks that if you just eat X, Y, and Z three times a day then the eating disorder will go away is sorely mistaken. We don't want to admit it, face it, deal with it. But recovery requires a lot of work and SUPPORT. In this case, Ignorance is NOT Bliss.

While "sober" living houses have been around forever, primarily located near treatment centers, it's nice to see that eating disorder group homes popping up in more places. It is so needed! The ED epidemic continues to grow, and I'm guessing ED transitional living will grow, too. 'Hope so!

Eating Disorders: The Dis-ease of Never Having Enough and Wanting More

Eating disorders are complex in that a myriad of issues can trigger them. It isn't as if it is just one struggle. It is biopsychosocial, meaning, one's biology, psychological state, and social environment can create the perfect recipe for an eating disorder.

While there are many characteristics, one ED theme seems to be the thought of never having (or being) enough, and always striving for more. Maybe there's not enough love, or you feel you aren't enough. In any case, it can drive one (us) to constantly seek perfection through achievements or become people-pleasers--trying to overcompensate for our innate defects as human beings. If we can have enough or be enough, then we are okay. The problem is that we are left always wanting more. If our want is unfilled, then we are back to feeling not enough.

For many with eating disorders, this translates into our relationship with food and our bodies. We try to get to the perfect weight, the perfect pant size. Even if we know we aren't fat, we'd still like to be a little smaller; just to feel more comfortable. Some of us push away food, while many of us crave more, long after we've met our daily caloric intake.

What I have learned throughout the years, is that I may always want more... of everything. What I try to practice daily, and imperfectly, is sitting with the uncomfortable feeling of wanting more and not acting on it with a late-night snack. I'm not always successful, but I get more successful as the years go by. I still can comfort myself with food from time to time; my abstinence will never be that black-and-white perfection. But, I stick to my bottom lines. For me, that is what "normal" eating is. Some days you may not eat quite enough, some days a little too much. And other days, just the perfect amount. I will probably always strive for perfection, but that doesn't mean I have to be perfect.

Diet Pepsi 'Skinny' Can is Canned by Eating Disorder Activists

Pepsi advertisers are in a big fat mess. The new skinny can that is launching just in time for New York's Fashion Week -- as well as National Eating Disorders Awareness Week -- has ED activists on fire, shaming Pepsi for promoting anything skinny.

Lynn Grefe, President and CEO of NEDA commented on the situation:

"It is painful that a major fortune 500 company needs to denigrate the majority of women in this country to sell their products. Most women are not skinny, nor should we encourage them to be anything but their own personal healthy size. The focus should be on health. All women – whatever their body type – should be sassy and confident in their individuality and their beauty. Pepsi should be ashamed for declaring that skinny is to be celebrated. The many millions suffering from eating disorders in this country would disagree."

"PepsiCo’s comments are both thoughtless and irresponsible," Grefe continued. “Their shameful misdirection is further exemplified by tying the launch of this offensive marketing campaign to Fashion Week, where women’s body types are atypical at best … and unhealthy as to be fatal at worst."

While I think it is wrong for advertisers to keep subliminally hammering the thin ideal into our minds -- especially the minds of impressionable children and adolescents -- the reality is that our culture values thinness. It is just one of many triggers in the world to encourage and perpetuate eating disorders.

I'm wondering ... will Pepsi come out with a 'fat' can for regular pepsi, to promote weight gain, diabetes, and cardiovascular disease from drinking all-sugar beverages? My guess is a big, fat NO.

While Pepsi execs assert that the new can is to celebrate confident women, Jill Beraud, the company's chief marketing officer, stated, "Our slim, attractive new can is the perfect complement to today’s most stylish looks." Once again the message is clear: Thin and attractive equals confidence and self-love. While I know that the opposite doesn't promote confidence and self-love, can't we find a media middle ground???

Self-love, Eating Disorder Recovery, and Katy Perry

At my OA Meetings last week, I kept hearing the same message: Self-love is about taking ACTION. Now, I know this already, I mean, it's pretty obvious that HP doesn't just drop the gift of self-love from the sky. WE have to CREATE it through action. In order to create self-love we first have to have the awareness to want to do so.

I stumbled upon a great post on a SELF.com blog which discusses self-love as it pertains to body image. The blogger, Lucy, used Katy Perry's "Firework" song to show we do all have a spark inside, and we should take the actions to let it shine! The problem for many (I used to be one) is that we're so used to (and comfortable with) self-hatred that we are afraid to take action that might actually make us feel better. That is INSANITY! The disease of addiction, body-hatred, self-hatred--whatever dis-ease you feel--is sneaky and wants nothing more for us than to be miserable.

All I need to do to get into right action is to ask myself a few questions:

Is this action going to make me feel good about myself?

How will I feel tomorrow if I do this behavior?

Do I want to hate myself today or love myself?

All are similar, but I have to tell my brain things several different ways in order for it to listen.

Everything in recovery is truly about ACTING your way into right thinking. Everything. In the meeting I went to yesterday, the qualifier mentioned that she turns her actions of recovery over to her sponsor, like she would her food. I love that and will start implementing that TODAY, just for today.

What actions will you take today? Self-hate or Self-love?

Natalie Portman and the Black Swan: A Perfect Performance of Insanity

Recently I saw the movie Black Swan. Besides the buzz around it, because I’m a former professional dancer, in recovery for eating disorders, and a therapist, I thought it would be the perfect movie for me to see. Yes, there was a slue of self-destruction. Yes, it portrayed the perfection requisite to a ballet career. So what?

Well, what I thought was kind of genius about the movie was how the director eternally depicted what goes on inside the unbalanced, perfectionist, eating-disordered mind. The duality of the White Swan and Black Swan characters Natalie Portman played in The Black Swan symbolized an exaggeration of the “good” and “bad” mindset I spoke about in my first post.

What I liked is that it gave the audience a real look into the mindset of self-destruction. While not everyone can relate to such a severe level of self-hatred and insanity, people do have internal battles to a lesser degree, which makes Portman’s character all the more relatable. The timing of the movie is interesting. Like the many reality shows concerning addiction and mental health on TV today, I think the fact that a movie (even if not in reality) is portraying the complete mental insanity that occurs in the perfect world of ballet, illustrates that the stigma around mental health issues are slowing diminishing. All of which is refreshing.

I’m going to see the movie again to completely wrap my brain around it.

Good Day or Bad Day… Which Do I Choose Today?

In the past, my life was divided into “good” days and “bad” days. The determining factors were how flat my stomach was in the morning, how much I weighed, how my pants fit that day (which was especially risky had they been recently washed), and how I stuck to the diet I’d obsessively planned out the day before. Complete self-torture.

Because what defined “good” for me was driven by need for my body to be perfect, almost every day became a “bad” day. Whether walking along a strip mall in Kansas or traipsing down Broadway in NYC, my sense of self was determined by how I looked compared to everyone else I passed on the streets … and on my most days, I couldn’t compete. Today I feel fortunate I don’t live like that anymore.

What I realized, after many therapy sessions, is that I am the one judging myself and making up crazy rules about how my day will turn out. Essentially, I am choosing to think badly or highly about myself. Why do I want to be that mean to myself, really? Has it helped me thus far? When I used to ask myself these questions, the answers were usually that I hated myself and it hasn’t helped me. If I can choose to be negative, then I can certainly choose to think positively, and thus feel happier.

Today, I don’t define my days in such black-and-white terms. I can easily get caught up in negative self-talk, but when it happens, I don’t entertain it. I look at it like a symptom that’s telling me something else is going on, and then I reframe my thoughts. None of us are perfect, but we all have positive qualities that make us who we are. For anyone struggling with these issues, I’m here to tell you, There Is Hope!

NYC Ballet Dancer Jenifer Ringer Criticized for Being "Overweight"

NY Times dance critic Alastair Macaulay probably should've completed one more revision of his choreographed commentary for NYC Ballet's production of "The Nutcracker." Perhaps if he'd chosen to edit his harsh view of the Sugar Plum Fairy--played by Jenifer Ringer--whom he stated "looked as if she'd eaten one too many sugar plums," there wouldn't be so many tutus and ballet pink tights in a wad.

As a therapist, recovering bulimic, and former dancer, I have mixed thoughts about the NY Times article. My therapist and recovering self is outraged by such insincerity; especially when Ms. Ringer has talked about her issues with eating and self-esteem, which were perpetuated by the ballet world. As a former dancer, albeit not primarily classical ballet, I was never told I was fat. However, there were a couple of times when I was told that my body would be perfect if I'd just "tone up" a little. What was difficult for me was living in LA and being criticized by agents or choreographers about my look or style, and the constant type-casting. The message was clear: You aren't good enough. Period.

While it hurts to be judged in the dance world, it wasn't unexpected. My years of taking classes daily, spending hours scrutinizing every movement, every body line, every inch of my body--while trying to get the ballet mistress' attention and stand out more than your classmates--prepared me for the professional world of dance. I knew what I was getting into. It fed right into my naturally masochistic nature. Home sweet home.

Getting back to the article, though ... I do find it RIDICULOUS that, of all things, knowing that Jenifer has had past ED and self-esteem issues, Macaulay had to comment on her body. Wasn't it enough that he said she didn't dance with adult depth or complexity? Tsk, tsk Macaulay.

As a therapist who wants to help those who struggle with food and body images issues, I can't help but wonder how many more young girls and women will be triggered by his critique. So, he's getting a lot of flack for his comments--the message is on point: You need to be THINNER.

Ms. Ringer responded on the Today Show about being criticized, stating that because of where she is in her life now, she can move forward from it. Here are some of her comments below.

"I was 16 when I became professional and I think I wasn’t prepared to cope with just being in an adult performing world, and so I think my coping mechanisms kind of turned into eating disorders and body image issues."

"As a dancer I do put myself out there to be criticized and my body is part of my art form. At the same time I’m not overweight. I do have I guess a more womanly body type than the stereotypical ballerina."

I agree with her comments. It's clear that she has Grand Jete'd from her past insecurities to a life of health and sanity. BRAVO!

What's Eating You?

So I've recently started watching "What's Eating You?," an eating disorder reality show on E!. Dr. Susan Albers, a clinical psychologist who wrote an article on the show , reported that there is an ongoing debate about whether making reality shows of mental health issues exploits those who struggle with diseases like OCD, hoarding, addiction, etc.

As a mental health professional, I can understand why some argue of the exploitative nature. In the midst of crisis, one might not be able to make a proper judgment about whether he or she should put their issues out there for millions to see and, more likely, judge. On the other hand, those who choose to break their anonymity and participate in the show are making a choice. It isn't as though they are innocent victims, being forced by some producer who threatens to shove a snack cake down their throat if they don't participate. For this ED in recovery, shoving cake down my throat would be an added benefit. Yes, I eat cake in recovery ... hence the name of my blog. For some, whose eating disorders began as a way for them to get emotional and physical attention from their parents (that's one out of the myriad triggers for EDs), this could be the ultimate way to get their need met. I'm not for sure. Everyone who participates has their reasons.

Personally, I like that mental health-based shows are finally being aired. To me, it says that the big fat stigma around mental health issues has shed a few pounds ... losing enough to at least be able to start talking about it on a national level, and acknowledging that, guess what, this can exist in your family, too. What better way to lose some of the stigma, as well as inform the public of the reality of eating disorder treatment, than to put it on television?

What I really like (although I wish it wasn't the reality) is that no one has magically been relieved of their disorder after a period of treatment--even when treated by experts. Reality shows usually do not portray reality, strangely. Showing that recovery is a process and that someone is not "fixed" by 12 weeks, 12 months, and, sometimes, 12 years of therapy IS a REALITY. This, perhaps, is one of the greatest strengths of the show. Another strength is that it illustrates how people with eating disorders need a team of support to recover, and that includes family. Eating disorders are so isolating; recovery is about "we," not "I."

So, that's my scoop on "What's Eating You?"

As I write, I think, Is anything eating me today? The answer ... NO! LIfe is good.

Marie Claire Article... "Should Fatties Get a Room?"

Maura Kelly, a popular blogger, posted an article in Marie Claire about whether America is uncomfortable watching overweight people show PDA on television. The article centers on the CBS show Molly and Mike, a sitcom about a couple who met in Overeater's Anonymous. The former anorexic lashed out at her fleshier counterparts, pronouncing her disgust with seeing people with fat rolls kiss. She even admitted to being disgusted by seeing an overweight person walk across the room! Just who does this blogger think makes up her audience? According to a CBS health article, 66 percent of Americans are overweight and 30 percent are obese. This could account for some of the 28,000 complaints Marie Claire received as a result of this bloggers big fat mouth. Tsk, tsk, tsk Maura Kelly.

When complaints surfaced, Maura Kelly tried to backpedal her, what must be a, skinny ass out of her fat-hatred, stating that her bias and bigotry stems from her own issues with being anorexic in the past. She went as far as to say that anorexic people would sicken her too, knowing how miserable and unhealthy they must be. Oh boy.

Where do I begin? As an ED in recovery, social worker, and woman who lives in Western society, there are so many angles to take. I guess I'll start with some of the points she made that has some validity to them. First, our country is obsessed with physical perfection, and that needs to change. Second, obesity and the physical health consequences that result do cost our country a lot of money. However, from a sociocultural perspective, this is a complex issue. I work with as a psychotherapist in NYC with a population of low-income substance abusers, most of whom are African American and Hispanic. At least 90 percent of my clients are overweight or obese, and have a collection of health consequences, like diabetes, hypertension, asthma, etc. Many are under the age of 35.

While there are psychological and medical reasons for obesity, many people from low-income or rural areas don't have the nutritional education, let alone the financial means to buy healthy food. Moreover, fast food restaurants hover in every corner of these areas. If people want to help this epidemic, and I believe it is one, than why don't people (right wing conservatives, Daddy, I'm talking to you) put some money into helping people, instead of complaining how healthcare costs are affecting your tax dollars and driving up your insurance premiums? With that said, not all overweight and obese people are poor.

Another point she made is that we have a lot of control over our weight. For people who know what to eat and have the financial means to buy healthy food, I have to agree. For many, not all, it's about caloric intake versus energy burned. Period. I will probably get some flack for my opinion, but that's how I feel.

Now to the ugly. Her lame attempt to use her past anorexia as a crutch for her verbal vomit was just that, a lame attempt. Are you really still using your ED as a crutch? Take responsibility for yourself. And to say that she feels just as disgusted seeing an anorexic walking around as an overweight person -- right. Yes, a recovering ED might have sympathy for both people, but I wouldn't say the majority of recovering eating disordered persons feel disgust for the still-suffering anorexic. More like envy. I think that, more times than not, there's a part of an ED in recovery that looks at the anorexic and feels a tinge of envy, as she remembers the security anorexia once brought, only if just a facade.

Getting back to the show that inspired the article, I think it's healthier to show people who represent their audience, not just an unattainable ideal that would make most of us head for Ben and Jerry's.