[Valid Atom 1.0] Life With Cake: Eating Disorder Blog: 2011

Sunday, December 11, 2011

"I FEEL FAT"

I recently attended a conference where psychologist Ann Kearney-Cooke gave a fantastic lecture about body image and decoding the language of I feel fat. Her philosophy is that a situation occurs--it could be you just tried on a pair of jeans that were tight or something completely unrelated, like you got angry with your sister--which then triggers you to become negatively focused on your body image in some way. Suddenly you are aware of this body part or that body part, and end up "feeling" fat.

This feeling distracts you from an emotion, thought, or belief you had (have) about yourself regarding the situation that occurred just before you had the negative body image thought. It may sound confusing, but think about it the next time you start body checking or focusing on negative body image thoughts. What prompts you to start focusing on your body image? Many of you might say that it just "happens" and is automatic.

While that might be true because body checking and the hyper focus on body image becomes habitual, I challenge you to start being mindful of specific situations that trigger body image thoughts. Just what are you distracting yourself from? It is often much easier to focus on body image than to face the deeper implications of your emotional/mental/cognitive state.

For instance, if you pass another woman on the street, make a comparison (and subsequent judgment on yourself), and suddenly "feel" fat, then maybe you are distracting yourself from your belief that you just don't feel good enough. This might lead to the fact that you're single, which then could lead to the feeling that you will never be in a relationship because you don't feel good enough or pretty enough, which could then trigger your ultimate fear of being alone and abandoned. After that takes place in a millisecond (perhaps on a less conscious or subconscious level), you suddenly look down at your thighs and believe they are so much larger than they were 30 seconds ago. Pardon my long example, but this is how it can happen.

Maybe it is completely unrelated to body image, like, you are worried about getting into graduate school or are procrastinating about studying for a test. It is much easier to focus on body image, as well as engage in ED behaviors than to face potential failure or to have to buckle down and face the dread of doing something you don't want to do.

I think it is common to think of ED symptom use as what you actually do with food. But, body checking and focusing on body image is also an eating disorder symptom. Whether it is the food or the body image, all of it serves as a distraction to a larger issue. So, as you go through your day today and catch yourself body checking or focusing negatively on some part of yourself, ask yourself the question, "How is my body image distracting me from being present?"

Friday, November 25, 2011

Opening a Window of Opportunity

Countless number of times when active in the eating disorder, I'd have a thought to use an eating disorder symptom and, before I knew it, I'd be standing in a grocery store buying binge food or find myself in a bathroom, unable to account for the time that lapsed between the thought of using the eating disorder and the action. As if I'd had tunnel vision, my consciousness only able to see the option of using eating disorder symptoms for dealing with my emotions.

Working as a psychotherapist, I hear this story day after day from clients. I often will retrace the steps of a client's slip, only to hear her unclear as to how she arrived at her symptomatic state, which seems to create an added layer of guilt and hopelessness much of the time. As if it was just something that "happened" to her and all of a sudden she was in relapsive behavior. I truly empathize with my clients in these moments, as it can feel like such a state of self-defeat.

Perhaps the most important thing I learned in early recovery was that my thought did not have to lead to an action. I learned that I needed to create a window of space, an opportunity that gave me time to collect my often-irrational and emotionally-charged thoughts and actually CHOOSE a way to deal with the situation, urge, or feeling with adaptive coping skills instead of self-destructive behaviors.

In order to do this I had to:

1. Be mindful of what was happening with me internally.
2. I had to literally stop and become conscious of the here-and-now and acknowledge my eating disordered urges.
3. I also had to remind myself that a thought is just a thought. I am going to have these thoughts, but that does not mean I have to act on them.
4. Next, I had to make a decision and not keep entertaining the urge to use ED symptoms. A symptom cannot thrive without attending to it.
5. Once I made my decision, I then had to create a plan for what I was going to do instead of use ED symptoms. This came in the form of using healthy distractions, leaving my environment, reaching out for support, etc.
6. Finally, I had to take action and remind myself that the urge will pass, if I let it.

In order to break the eating disorder cycle, you have to be able to tolerate your emotions long enough to get to the other side of them. To know that you CAN tolerate any emotion, no matter how uncomfortable. Today, think about and write down ways you can create distance between your thoughts and actions when an urge strikes. Come up with a list of coping skills (self-talk, playing the tape through, reaching out to others, meditation, taking a gentle walk, etc.) you feel you could actually use in the moment.

As an experiment, the next time you have an urge to use ED symptoms, put your plan into action and give yourself a real window of opportunity for recovery. The window may appear to be jammed, locked, or hard to open. But you have the power to open it and create a different outcome. Eating disorders are deadly, and you never know if you will have a tomorrow to start over for. Start today--you deserve it!

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Eating Disorder Recovery Milestones

One major milestone in ED recovery is when time passes and you don't think about your eating disorder. What I mean is that you don't wonder about or entertain the thoughts of purging after a meal, or restricting until dinner. You don't have to exercise to burn calories. You can wear clothes even if they might make you look heavier than you are. More importantly, you can go out in public on a "fat" day. Most importantly, your "fat" days are fewer and farther in between.

While I have been in recovery for a long time, my eating disorder was a treacherous battle that lasted for nearly half of my life. The eating disorder voice, though much quieter, can still be present. When this happens, it is an indication that something else is going on.

Given that it is a holiday weekend, I have an extra day off. In the past, I would cherish a day off to rest, only to ruin it with a weekend of bingeing and purging--which would make me needing a vacation by the time I returned to work.

I woke up today, however, and realized that I haven't been obsessing or thinking about food at all, really. One early in recovery or a person without having an eating disorder might think that it is odd that after all of these years I can still think of food. Given our culture, it is nearly impossible NOT to think of food, weight, body image, etc. What can I say? When you come from a place of purging 20-30 times a day for half of your life, you are bound to hear ED thoughts, even years later. That is just a reality. It isn't everyone's--especially when EDs come in all forms, with different levels of severity and chronicity--but it is mine.

Does that mean I am imprisoned by it still? NO. For many years in my recovery, I still had a notion of "getting back" to that "perfect" weight again, or thinking that I could use the ED to fall back on if I needed to from time to time. But then, I got to a place where I JUST DON'T CARE. While the ED voice sometimes try to entice me, trying to engage me and reminisce about days when I was thinner (and miserable), I don't care about it enough to do anything about it.

The message.... LIFE is so much more than the ED--REALLY. Yes, it serves as a nice distraction and gives one a false sense of security and protection. But that is just a cruel ruse. EDs waste time and waste lives. For those struggling and reading this--YOU can recover!!!!

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Eating Disorder Transitional Living...Bridging the Gap

In an article published on May 7th, the Kansas City Star announced the opening of Thalia House, a transitional living house for women recovering from eating disorders. Given that I grew up in KC, and also the place where my eating disorder came alive, I am so excited for Thalia House's presence in the area.

When I lived in Kansas City, I had two stints at Baptist Memorial Hospital, in the eating disorder unit. The first was a 30-day stint, and the second was a 60-day stint. While I learned many tools and did not binge, purge, or starve while in the hospital, I relapsed within a couple days of discharge. The reason was not because I didn't know what I needed to do. It wasn't because I was a horrible person. It was because eating disorders are a BEAST. To go from 24-hour care to being thrown back in your old environment equates to relapse, in many cases.

What I needed was a step-down, or transitional, program. Of course, a place like Thalia House did not exist at that time. Even the few 12-Step OA meetings in the area did not really address anorexia and bulimia.

When I finally went to Sierra Tucson, a 28-day program in Arizona, they shed light on the need of the continuation of treatment. From there, I went to Turning Point of Tampa for 3 months, which was a step-down from Tucson. At Turning Point, I learned accountability for my actions and practiced being abstinent. Even after my discharge from Turning Point, I had some relapses. Eating disorders are tough. But, I practiced new behaviors, and my recovery time grew.

The person struggling with an eating disorder, family members, and even professionals often lack the knowledge or discount the power of the disease. Anyone who thinks that if you just eat X, Y, and Z three times a day then the eating disorder will go away is sorely mistaken. We don't want to admit it, face it, deal with it. But recovery requires a lot of work and SUPPORT. In this case, Ignorance is NOT Bliss.

While "sober" living houses have been around forever, primarily located near treatment centers, it's nice to see that eating disorder group homes popping up in more places. It is so needed! The ED epidemic continues to grow, and I'm guessing ED transitional living will grow, too. 'Hope so!

Monday, April 11, 2011

Eating Disorders: The Dis-ease of Never Having Enough and Wanting More

Eating disorders are complex in that a myriad of issues can trigger them. It isn't as if it is just one struggle. It is biopsychosocial, meaning, one's biology, psychological state, and social environment can create the perfect recipe for an eating disorder.

While there are many characteristics, one ED theme seems to be the thought of never having (or being) enough, and always striving for more. Maybe there's not enough love, or you feel you aren't enough. In any case, it can drive one (us) to constantly seek perfection through achievements or become people-pleasers--trying to overcompensate for our innate defects as human beings. If we can have enough or be enough, then we are okay. The problem is that we are left always wanting more. If our want is unfilled, then we are back to feeling not enough.

For many with eating disorders, this translates into our relationship with food and our bodies. We try to get to the perfect weight, the perfect pant size. Even if we know we aren't fat, we'd still like to be a little smaller; just to feel more comfortable. Some of us push away food, while many of us crave more, long after we've met our daily caloric intake.

What I have learned throughout the years, is that I may always want more... of everything. What I try to practice daily, and imperfectly, is sitting with the uncomfortable feeling of wanting more and not acting on it with a late-night snack. I'm not always successful, but I get more successful as the years go by. I still can comfort myself with food from time to time; my abstinence will never be that black-and-white perfection. But, I stick to my bottom lines. For me, that is what "normal" eating is. Some days you may not eat quite enough, some days a little too much. And other days, just the perfect amount. I will probably always strive for perfection, but that doesn't mean I have to be perfect.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Diet Pepsi 'Skinny' Can is Canned by Eating Disorder Activists


Pepsi advertisers are in a big fat mess. The new skinny can that is launching just in time for New York's Fashion Week -- as well as National Eating Disorders Awareness Week -- has ED activists on fire, shaming Pepsi for promoting anything skinny.

Lynn Grefe, President and CEO of NEDA commented on the situation:

"It is painful that a major fortune 500 company needs to denigrate the majority of women in this country to sell their products. Most women are not skinny, nor should we encourage them to be anything but their own personal healthy size. The focus should be on health. All women – whatever their body type – should be sassy and confident in their individuality and their beauty. Pepsi should be ashamed for declaring that skinny is to be celebrated. The many millions suffering from eating disorders in this country would disagree."

"PepsiCo’s comments are both thoughtless and irresponsible," Grefe continued. “Their shameful misdirection is further exemplified by tying the launch of this offensive marketing campaign to Fashion Week, where women’s body types are atypical at best … and unhealthy as to be fatal at worst."

While I think it is wrong for advertisers to keep subliminally hammering the thin ideal into our minds -- especially the minds of impressionable children and adolescents -- the reality is that our culture values thinness. It is just one of many triggers in the world to encourage and perpetuate eating disorders.

I'm wondering ... will Pepsi come out with a 'fat' can for regular pepsi, to promote weight gain, diabetes, and cardiovascular disease from drinking all-sugar beverages? My guess is a big, fat NO.

While Pepsi execs assert that the new can is to celebrate confident women, Jill Beraud, the company's chief marketing officer, stated, "Our slim, attractive new can is the perfect complement to today’s most stylish looks." Once again the message is clear: Thin and attractive equals confidence and self-love. While I know that the opposite doesn't promote confidence and self-love, can't we find a media middle ground???

Monday, January 24, 2011

Self-love, Eating Disorder Recovery, and Katy Perry


At my OA Meetings last week, I kept hearing the same message: Self-love is about taking ACTION. Now, I know this already, I mean, it's pretty obvious that HP doesn't just drop the gift of self-love from the sky. WE have to CREATE it through action. In order to create self-love we first have to have the awareness to want to do so.

I stumbled upon a great post on a SELF.com blog which discusses self-love as it pertains to body image. The blogger, Lucy, used Katy Perry's "Firework" song to show we do all have a spark inside, and we should take the actions to let it shine! The problem for many (I used to be one) is that we're so used to (and comfortable with) self-hatred that we are afraid to take action that might actually make us feel better. That is INSANITY! The disease of addiction, body-hatred, self-hatred--whatever dis-ease you feel--is sneaky and wants nothing more for us than to be miserable.

All I need to do to get into right action is to ask myself a few questions:

Is this action going to make me feel good about myself?

How will I feel tomorrow if I do this behavior?

Do I want to hate myself today or love myself?

All are similar, but I have to tell my brain things several different ways in order for it to listen.

Everything in recovery is truly about ACTING your way into right thinking. Everything. In the meeting I went to yesterday, the qualifier mentioned that she turns her actions of recovery over to her sponsor, like she would her food. I love that and will start implementing that TODAY, just for today.

What actions will you take today? Self-hate or Self-love?

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Natalie Portman and the Black Swan: A Perfect Performance of Insanity


Recently I saw the movie Black Swan. Besides the buzz around it, because I’m a former professional dancer, in recovery for eating disorders, and a therapist, I thought it would be the perfect movie for me to see. Yes, there was a slue of self-destruction. Yes, it portrayed the perfection requisite to a ballet career. So what?

Well, what I thought was kind of genius about the movie was how the director eternally depicted what goes on inside the unbalanced, perfectionist, eating-disordered mind. The duality of the White Swan and Black Swan characters Natalie Portman played in The Black Swan symbolized an exaggeration of the “good” and “bad” mindset I spoke about in my first post.

What I liked is that it gave the audience a real look into the mindset of self-destruction. While not everyone can relate to such a severe level of self-hatred and insanity, people do have internal battles to a lesser degree, which makes Portman’s character all the more relatable. The timing of the movie is interesting. Like the many reality shows concerning addiction and mental health on TV today, I think the fact that a movie (even if not in reality) is portraying the complete mental insanity that occurs in the perfect world of ballet, illustrates that the stigma around mental health issues are slowing diminishing. All of which is refreshing.

I’m going to see the movie again to completely wrap my brain around it.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Good Day or Bad Day… Which Do I Choose Today?




In the past, my life was divided into “good” days and “bad” days. The determining factors were how flat my stomach was in the morning, how much I weighed, how my pants fit that day (which was especially risky had they been recently washed), and how I stuck to the diet I’d obsessively planned out the day before. Complete self-torture.

Because what defined “good” for me was driven by need for my body to be perfect, almost every day became a “bad” day. Whether walking along a strip mall in Kansas or traipsing down Broadway in NYC, my sense of self was determined by how I looked compared to everyone else I passed on the streets … and on my most days, I couldn’t compete. Today I feel fortunate I don’t live like that anymore.

What I realized, after many therapy sessions, is that I am the one judging myself and making up crazy rules about how my day will turn out. Essentially, I am choosing to think badly or highly about myself. Why do I want to be that mean to myself, really? Has it helped me thus far? When I used to ask myself these questions, the answers were usually that I hated myself and it hasn’t helped me. If I can choose to be negative, then I can certainly choose to think positively, and thus feel happier.

Today, I don’t define my days in such black-and-white terms. I can easily get caught up in negative self-talk, but when it happens, I don’t entertain it. I look at it like a symptom that’s telling me something else is going on, and then I reframe my thoughts. None of us are perfect, but we all have positive qualities that make us who we are. For anyone struggling with these issues, I’m here to tell you, There Is Hope!