Living Within the Parameters of Imperfect Abstinence...An Interesting Dilemma

When I think of "abstinence," as I learned in treatment, I think of no sugar, wheat or flour, no restricting, bingeing, or purging, weighing and measuring, following a food plan to the letter, etc. While this was great for me at the time, I eventually began to seek out moderation in my food practices.

Moderation is wonderful, except when you have a brain that defines abstinence as perfection; meaning, encompassing all of the above, every single day. Moderation has allowed me to not follow the "no sugar, wheat or flour" regimen--because, unlike the compulsive overeater, who has an allergy to those substances, my addiction doesn't send me off running to the races when I ingest sugar, wheat, or flour. While I'd spent plenty of time b/p, I was most-addicted to purging, thus alleviating any feeling of fullness (i.e., uncomfortableness).

Where guilt ensues is in the following my food plan perfectly bit. Every day, I plan my food. Some days I eat exactly as planned. But on most days, I will eat an extra of this, or skip that, which makes my perfectionistic brain go crazy!

My dilemma is that I want to achieve what I have defined as perfect abstinence. But, the real question to ask myself is, do I really need to? Why do I have to do it perfectly? Couldn't "perfect abstinence" be just as mentally shackling as the ED itself? I'm beginning to think so.

So, the question then is HOW do I mentally train myself to accept imperfect abstinence? A lot of mental conditioning and cognitive restructuring is my guess...oy vey!

FOR TODAY: I will attempt to follow my food plan perfectly, but if I don't, I will practice being gentle with myself.

Off to do some mental push-ups!!!

Attachments

So, this past week, I've been so aware of how alone I feel when I'm not around people, not surfing the internet, or not checking my iphone for the umpteenth time. The list goes on and on. Obviously, this is why I clung so tightly to food!

Every week, I long for time to myself when I'm off work; yet, when I finally get that time to myself, I feel so alone. Spiritually and psychically alone. Even if the sun is out and I've had my coffee. It doesn't happen every hour of my day. Rather, it's like I have a wonderful day, get my "list of the things to do" done, sit down on the couch to "relax," and then it hits me. First thought... I want food. Second thought... no you don't, so don't even think about it.

Today, my therapist, H, told me that I'm attached to the thought, "I'm alone." The reason for this, H says, is that it's completely familiar to me; because I'd felt so alone my entire life. I don't know if I'll get this right, but by attaching myself to that thought, I leave myself without choices. I drown in this emotional abyss, suddenly finding myself feeling very afraid in the world. No wonder I wanted to binge and purge last week! Thank god I didn't!!

The truth is that we are all alone. Yes, we reach support, we reach for control, for success; but, when all of that runs out, for a moment, it is just me, myself, and my emotional scars. The feeling of longing (for what?) begins to wrap itself around every muscle, bone, and cell in my body, until I'm crawling in my skin.

Naturally, I've forgotten the cognitive-behavioral instructions H presented me with, to change my thought process when the impending doom of "alone" strikes. However, for today, I don't feel it, as much.

Acknowledge. Embrace. Feel. Don't try to change my feelings. Lean into the fear. Lean into the alone-ness.

These are all things that I know help me.

Even though I don't necessarily feel alone tonight, as I sit here, the only question that keeps running through my head is, When can I have my snack???

Will I ever be free????????

Wanting to eat, Wanting to not eat, Wanting to purge, Wanting...

Here it is, almost 8:00 on Saturday evening. Let me just say right off the bat that I have wanted to binge and purge for hours!! These cravings have not come over me, at this level of intensity, for months--perhaps years!! I want to eat, eat, eat! I want to rid myself of the fears I have over this article I'm still procrastinating about writing (although, I'm making some progress). I also want to starve and overexercise. It's... well... crazy, for lack of a better word. Just another indication of the mental disease this is.

Just a glimpse of the ED stream of consciousness this evening:

I really want Magnolia Bakery No you can't get Magnolia Just don't eat Eat your snack as planned I really want cupcakes I really want to purge My therapist still hasn't called me back I have an excuse to binge and purge fuck that you know you don't want to do this You'll regret it No I won't Yes you will I really want to shove massive amounts of Magnolia Bakery products into my mouth Maybe I'll just go to the gym and purge that way No you don't want to do this Who cares I can start over Lisa won't be home for hours You really just want to distract yourself from doing the article It will still be here if you choose to binge and purge You know you don't want to...

How I can go from being in a perfectly great mood, to this emotionally ravenous state--in an instant I might add--is nuts. I won't pathologize too much... none of this is abnormal when you have an ED... even in recovery... that's the real kicker. It's like, yeah, go to treatment, get some recovery--oh, but I might have forgotten to mention that I'll be haunting you for the next, oh, rest of your life. Yes, I have a lot of "freedom," meaning, I don't B/P/S/OEx, and I have the "freedom" to go out to eat without worrying too much about calories; but, on days like today, I feel like I will never get total freedom. I tend not to believe those who say they "recovered" from their EDs. Excuse me, did you have an ED like I had one? To some extent, even without an ED, people will live with food/body issues.

Anyway, all I can think about is going to Magnolia Bakery for their famous treats and shoving as many as I possibly can into my mouth... and then, of course, spewing it out. Wow, that release would feel great--but then I'd feel like shit. Now, I've been mulling this over for several hours, my contemplative options changing by the 15-minute interval, and, I think that I've gotten over the hump (at least for this interval).

As I've made it to the end of this post, I realize that I am definitely not going to binge and purge tonight. Why??? BECAUSE I'M CHOOSING NOT TO!!!!! I'm not going to overexercise at the gym tonight either. I'm going to sit with my feelings and eat my snack, as planned.

My mind tells me that I REALLY don't want to do this, but my truth tells me that I really want to be abstinent.

Recovery is about honesty. As a colleague used to say to our clients, "We don't get honest to get what we want. We get honest to get what we need. Ya know, I really hate honesty at times.

Self Soothing... hard concept for EDs

Why, or perhaps I should say, how, is it that the feeling of fear or panic can strike at any moment? One minute I could be at the bookstore having a lovely time admiring and skimming through dozens of books, and the next minute I'm in complete fear. Or, I could be walking down the street on a perfectly sunny NYC day, and all of a sudden, wham!, I feel completely alone, unsafe, and on the verge of tears. These feelings aren't cause by anything external, but rather, feelings that sit in the depths of my soul and permeate through my psyche--their only release coming in the form of a panic attack or a heavy crying spell.

Does this ever happen to you? My instinct tells me I'm not alone in this.

Immediately, when this happens, I call my therapist for security. It's interesting that my first thought is to reach for something or someone external. It used to be food, now it's my therapist. The only things more soothing are my iPhone or shopping at Anthropologie. As a person who has been through hospitilizations, day treatments, outpatient, long-term residential, years of 12-Step, and more, it is somewhat disheartening that I haven't been able to sharpen my ability to "self-soothe," one of the many palliative prescriptions recommended by H, my therapist.

Once again, this shows me how there are SOOOO many levels to this eating disorder. Actually, this has NOTHING to do with the ED itself; these are the feelings that led me to seek out ED in the first place. It's amazing how powerful feelings can be, isn't it? After all, rationale tells me, Feelings Aren't Facts, but when you're living in a state of fear, it's rarely rational... at least, that's what I've learned.

...Just one more piece of evidence that proves that the ED and all of it's pathological accoutrements are, indeed, a disease (or, at the very least, dis-ease) of the mind.

More on this later