"That" Time of the Month

Ah, yes, it's that glorious "time of the month," when all I do is crave chocolate and feel bloated. While virtually every woman has these symptoms, eating disordered women, no matter what stage of recovery one is in, have to be especially careful.

Every month it sneaks up on me. For the last couple of days, I've been "feeling" fat and wondering why my stomach is so bloated when I've been eating so "good." Not to mention, I just moved back to NYC, so all I've been doing is walking around and climbing subway stairways. (Even in recovery, I've secretly hoped that this extra activity might "accidentally" cause me to lose weight). Although I never want to be anorexic again, and I'm SERIOUS about this, even in recovery, I still think I'd "feel better" if I'd lose "just a little" weight. I don't know if any other recovering EDs feel this way, but I do.

Anyhoo, I've eaten chocolate two days in a row, which is okay--I eat whatever I want. But, what rankles me is that in this stage of recovery, I don't want to give into cravings because it's my "time of the month."

This type of thinking gets kind of sticky because, in reality (at least mine), I know that it's okay if I eat chocolate or anything I desire. But my perfectionism, which wants me to have "perfect abstinence," creates a guilt complex every time I engage in any type of food that isn't perfectly "clean." Once again, I've engaged in the EDMF (eating disorder mind f**k).

If nothing else, the eating disorder keeps my mind agile--I think my brain may need treatment for compulsive exercising!

The Big Apple...Oh, How Sweet It Is!

I can't believe I'm actually back in NYC! The last time I lived here, 8 years ago, I was at the pinnacle of my dance career. Unfortunately, my bulimia was building an impressive resume as well. Back then, I spent every hour, every minute, and every second of my existence obsessing about food, inhaling bags and boxes of this food or that food, and hunching over the toilet (or anything that could hold vomit) to undue the damage done by my "lack of willpower," the culprit of my problems.

While my disordered eating caused me to give away my dance career, I have the fortunate opportunity of being granted a "do-over"--not with my dance career, but rather, with graduate school, and living in my favorite city the way I originally envisioned it... abstinent.

So, now that I've been here for, oh, three days, I can say things are definitely different. I am present. I am not obsessing about food. I am not bingeing and purging. I am not spending my days comparing myself to the skinnier women who pass me on the streets (well, maybe a little). I am no longer looking for "thinspiration."

It's funny how, over time, abstinent eating causes one's perspective to change. Anorexia is no longer attractive to me, nor is it a goal I aspire to obtain.

Today I get to taste life...oh, how sweet it is.