The Forgettable Face of Honesty

The last week has been somewhat of a controlled food frenzy. I didn't go binge or anything, but I had several consecutive days of eating whatever. This is where my abstinence can get tricky, because I can, basically, eat whatever I want... in small doses.

After a while of eating freely, though, I accumulate both a mental and physical buildup, which leaves me feeling guilty and fat. This is never a good pattern for me to fall into. It has, in the past, been a setup for relapse. So, today, I knew I'd have to get honest with myself, and employ more structure to my food plan.

If I've learned anything throughout my recovery journey, it's that I can use as many tools as I want to--going to meetings, using a food plan, picking up the telephone, sponsorship, using a treatment team, etc.--BUT, none of them really matter if I'm not honest with myself.

I may coast on the coattails of self-will for a while, but, eventually, it will catch up to me.

While I don't attend "The Program" at present, the one phrase from the literature that never leaves my mind is the part in the Big Book stating, "There are those who are constitutionally incapable of getting honest with themselves."

That phrase snaps me back into reality, to remind me to get honest about my own level of self-honesty... if that makes any sense.

I now have a daily reminder alarm on my phone to remind me to wake-up and get honest. It's amazing how easy it is to forget about honesty! In times of stress, no, actually, ANYTIME, I can be lured by this or that food, forgetting that IF IM HONEST WITH MYSELF, then I don't really want what I'm reaching for.

What I'm craving in the moment is much deeper than food.

I've said it before, and I'm saying it again (for myself)...Self Honesty IS the BEST POLICY!!!!

The Discipline of Recovery

When I was in the depths of hell with my bulimia, my mother used to rant, "All you need is structure and discipline to help your habits ." Besides being completely reductive, to some extent, she was right. I didn't have structure, nor discipline; I was totally out of control.

Years later, while studying The Road Less Traveled in my philosophy class, discipline popped up again. Dr. Peck stated four components to discipline:

1. Delaying Gratification
2. Acceptance of Responsibility
3. Dedication to Truth
4. Balancing

Yesterday, I picked up the book again, and after reading about discipline, I had to get honest with myself about my own discipline, or rather, lack thereof.

While I'm very disciplined in my studies, my work, meeting deadlines, etc., I'm not disciplined at all with my food. I've always prided myself on this, because I don't want to be tethered to Tupperware containers or have to eat exactly what's on my food plan, in order to say I'm abstinent. For me, that isn't freedom. However, I feel guilty much of the time for my food choices--because I don't eat perfectly.

What does this have to do with discipline? Well... even in abstinence, I don't like to delay gratification. Because I don't have good and bad foods, I eat what I want. Rarely, do I delay gratification.

My point is that I'd like to be able to delay gratification with my food, and not eat something just because I think it will provide me with nutrition that will emotionally nurture me.

Connecting With Others

I don't know about you, but one of the main purposes for my eating disorder was that I was, essentially, trying to connect with others. It seems ironic, as my eating disorder became the great divider in any relationship I encountered.

On the one hand, I wanted to be by myself... please, everyone just leave me alone so I can self-destruct, please. However, one of the main catalysts for my behavior was my unquenchable thirst for a connection with others, with myself, hell, anyone, to fill the seemingly infinite emptiness (or loneliness) I felt.

In early recovery, I learned that the wounds from lost connections of family members, or others, could be healed, to some degree, by others. Not in a pathological, codependent way. Rather, a supportive way. In essence, I could create a new, almost like a surrogate, family that could help me get my lost childhood and stunted developmental needs met. I was told that creating this new family and leaning on others would help me learn to take care of my own needs. There's really much more to this, but I'm sure you get the gist.

The people who told me all of this were so right. While I still have days when I feel emotionally dehydrated, I'm not the emotional sponge I once was. I don't need people the way I once did, mainly, because the people in my life are constants. I don't have to worry that they will abandon me if I don't see them everyday. Not only do the people in my life fulfill a need in me, but, I fulfill a need in them... in a healthy way.

More on this later...

Being Gentle Wth Myself

My therapist keeps reminding me that I don't need to be so hard on myself. I often wonder what it would be like to go through my day without saying... you should've done this... if you would've only done it that way... why did you have to do X... blah, blah, blah. I don't know if there are people who walk around with clear minds, but wouldn't it be nice for one day, or rather, one hour, to have complete mental freedom? But then, I'd probably be bored. What else could I possibly have to think about, if I didn't have these mindless, all-consuming distractions?

I have this running list, both on paper and in my head, of "things to do," which helps my organization, but also fuels my self-imposed guilt. If, and when, I finish my list of things to do, offering my mind a chance to be "free" for a moment, then the body image obsession creeps in, tainting any possible relaxation for my overactive brain.

Did I mention I get headaches daily?

I constantly crave freedom from my mental obsessions, yet, because I'm unable, or rather, keep choosing to fuel these maladaptive thoughts, I beat myself up about having the thoughts--which perpetuates the unhealthy, cyclical cognitive process. Argh.

So, today, I'm going to try to be gentle with myself about these thoughts. It's my perfectionism (and my ego) that tells me I "shouldn't" be having these thoughts, and that my mind "should" be clear. Why shouldn't I have these thoughts? I was shackled by an active eating disorder for nearly 17 years... how can I think that the very thoughts and feelings that created something that lasted so long will dissipate just because I've had some abstinent time? Ahh...the joys of unrealistic expectations. Oh, how they plague me.

Today, I will PAY ATTENTION to what I'm telling myself about what I "should" and "should not" do, and then "CHOOSE" to think differently... one thought at a time.

Judgement Day

Oh, boy. I've really done it this time. Basically, a couple of posts ago--posts that I've since deleted--I spewed verbal vomit all over my blog about the two sisters I was temporarily rooming with. In the posts, I'd said some extremely judgmental things about their behaviors--behaviors reflective of my past--and, I'm sure you can see where this is going... they read them. I've completely hurt their feelings, which I feel terrible about, as they are (or were, I'm not sure at this point) two of my closest friends.

I've apologized, more than once, but I don't know what will come in the future. Being judgmental is one of my worst qualities, and I consciously work on improving it. Being that I'm going into a helping profession, I truly love to help people. As my "professional" self, I'm not judgmental; however, personally, I become judgmental when I either feel out of control or trapped, or when I've tried to help people and they repeat the unhealthy behaviors, ultimately, leaving me with the feeling of powerlessness. It's all very strange to me, because I was that person who repeated the same self-destructive behaviors, for years. I thank god that I had compassionate and patient people in my life.

It was just very difficult for me to be compassionate when I was in a situation where I didn't have space, so, to some extent, I had no choice but to witness every behavior that was going on. Typically, I don't care how obsessive or ritualistic one is (we all have certain "isms"), but after two months of living in a one-room studio and witnessing the behavior daily, I felt out of control. I couldn't change it, because I really had nowhere else to go... so, I became judgmental, because I didn't know how to handle it.

What I know, though, is as judgmental as I can be towards others, it's nothing compared to the judgment I put on myself each day. I hope my character defects are not going to cost me the friendship, but it might. This is typically when I'd repeatedly call myself a stupid fucking idiot bitch , which I've already done, but, for today, I'll try to keep the bashing to a minimum.

All I can do is try to do better the next time. Live and learn, I guess.

For today... progress, not perfection... not only in actions, but also, in attitudes.

stomach, not hunger, pangs

The one thing that still plagues me is being able to feel my stomach. If you looked at me, you wouldn't think I'd have a reason to be as aware as I am about the area of space that exists between my sternum and hip bones. But I do.

It's not that I have excess fat rolls on my stomach, because I don't. But, because I'm a former professional dancer, I didn't have excesses of anything, whether it be skin or fat, until I was 28 years old. Just to prove to myself that I'm not as fat as I feel, I've spent much time standing in front of various mirrors taking pictures of myself with my iphone(of my backside, which makes aiming the camera a challenge). Every time, I'm shocked when my, seemingly, larger-than-life "love handles" are not as large as they feel.

The thing is that while I've come to accept my "healthy" self, I've yet to embrace how my healthier self feels when I put on fitted clothing, when I sit, and how it feels before, during, and after I eat.

I know, though, like everything else that has dissipated after I've practiced acceptance long enough, this will, too (I hope).

After all... why is it so bad to be able to feel my stomach? Where did I learn that it wasn't okay?

"That" Time of the Month

Ah, yes, it's that glorious "time of the month," when all I do is crave chocolate and feel bloated. While virtually every woman has these symptoms, eating disordered women, no matter what stage of recovery one is in, have to be especially careful.

Every month it sneaks up on me. For the last couple of days, I've been "feeling" fat and wondering why my stomach is so bloated when I've been eating so "good." Not to mention, I just moved back to NYC, so all I've been doing is walking around and climbing subway stairways. (Even in recovery, I've secretly hoped that this extra activity might "accidentally" cause me to lose weight). Although I never want to be anorexic again, and I'm SERIOUS about this, even in recovery, I still think I'd "feel better" if I'd lose "just a little" weight. I don't know if any other recovering EDs feel this way, but I do.

Anyhoo, I've eaten chocolate two days in a row, which is okay--I eat whatever I want. But, what rankles me is that in this stage of recovery, I don't want to give into cravings because it's my "time of the month."

This type of thinking gets kind of sticky because, in reality (at least mine), I know that it's okay if I eat chocolate or anything I desire. But my perfectionism, which wants me to have "perfect abstinence," creates a guilt complex every time I engage in any type of food that isn't perfectly "clean." Once again, I've engaged in the EDMF (eating disorder mind f**k).

If nothing else, the eating disorder keeps my mind agile--I think my brain may need treatment for compulsive exercising!