Good Day or Bad Day… Which Do I Choose Today?

In the past, my life was divided into “good” days and “bad” days. The determining factors were how flat my stomach was in the morning, how much I weighed, how my pants fit that day (which was especially risky had they been recently washed), and how I stuck to the diet I’d obsessively planned out the day before. Complete self-torture.

Because what defined “good” for me was driven by need for my body to be perfect, almost every day became a “bad” day. Whether walking along a strip mall in Kansas or traipsing down Broadway in NYC, my sense of self was determined by how I looked compared to everyone else I passed on the streets … and on my most days, I couldn’t compete. Today I feel fortunate I don’t live like that anymore.

What I realized, after many therapy sessions, is that I am the one judging myself and making up crazy rules about how my day will turn out. Essentially, I am choosing to think badly or highly about myself. Why do I want to be that mean to myself, really? Has it helped me thus far? When I used to ask myself these questions, the answers were usually that I hated myself and it hasn’t helped me. If I can choose to be negative, then I can certainly choose to think positively, and thus feel happier.

Today, I don’t define my days in such black-and-white terms. I can easily get caught up in negative self-talk, but when it happens, I don’t entertain it. I look at it like a symptom that’s telling me something else is going on, and then I reframe my thoughts. None of us are perfect, but we all have positive qualities that make us who we are. For anyone struggling with these issues, I’m here to tell you, There Is Hope!

NYC Ballet Dancer Jenifer Ringer Criticized for Being "Overweight"

NY Times dance critic Alastair Macaulay probably should've completed one more revision of his choreographed commentary for NYC Ballet's production of "The Nutcracker." Perhaps if he'd chosen to edit his harsh view of the Sugar Plum Fairy--played by Jenifer Ringer--whom he stated "looked as if she'd eaten one too many sugar plums," there wouldn't be so many tutus and ballet pink tights in a wad.

As a therapist, recovering bulimic, and former dancer, I have mixed thoughts about the NY Times article. My therapist and recovering self is outraged by such insincerity; especially when Ms. Ringer has talked about her issues with eating and self-esteem, which were perpetuated by the ballet world. As a former dancer, albeit not primarily classical ballet, I was never told I was fat. However, there were a couple of times when I was told that my body would be perfect if I'd just "tone up" a little. What was difficult for me was living in LA and being criticized by agents or choreographers about my look or style, and the constant type-casting. The message was clear: You aren't good enough. Period.

While it hurts to be judged in the dance world, it wasn't unexpected. My years of taking classes daily, spending hours scrutinizing every movement, every body line, every inch of my body--while trying to get the ballet mistress' attention and stand out more than your classmates--prepared me for the professional world of dance. I knew what I was getting into. It fed right into my naturally masochistic nature. Home sweet home.

Getting back to the article, though ... I do find it RIDICULOUS that, of all things, knowing that Jenifer has had past ED and self-esteem issues, Macaulay had to comment on her body. Wasn't it enough that he said she didn't dance with adult depth or complexity? Tsk, tsk Macaulay.

As a therapist who wants to help those who struggle with food and body images issues, I can't help but wonder how many more young girls and women will be triggered by his critique. So, he's getting a lot of flack for his comments--the message is on point: You need to be THINNER.

Ms. Ringer responded on the Today Show about being criticized, stating that because of where she is in her life now, she can move forward from it. Here are some of her comments below.

"I was 16 when I became professional and I think I wasn’t prepared to cope with just being in an adult performing world, and so I think my coping mechanisms kind of turned into eating disorders and body image issues."

"As a dancer I do put myself out there to be criticized and my body is part of my art form. At the same time I’m not overweight. I do have I guess a more womanly body type than the stereotypical ballerina."

I agree with her comments. It's clear that she has Grand Jete'd from her past insecurities to a life of health and sanity. BRAVO!

What's Eating You?

So I've recently started watching "What's Eating You?," an eating disorder reality show on E!. Dr. Susan Albers, a clinical psychologist who wrote an article on the show , reported that there is an ongoing debate about whether making reality shows of mental health issues exploits those who struggle with diseases like OCD, hoarding, addiction, etc.

As a mental health professional, I can understand why some argue of the exploitative nature. In the midst of crisis, one might not be able to make a proper judgment about whether he or she should put their issues out there for millions to see and, more likely, judge. On the other hand, those who choose to break their anonymity and participate in the show are making a choice. It isn't as though they are innocent victims, being forced by some producer who threatens to shove a snack cake down their throat if they don't participate. For this ED in recovery, shoving cake down my throat would be an added benefit. Yes, I eat cake in recovery ... hence the name of my blog. For some, whose eating disorders began as a way for them to get emotional and physical attention from their parents (that's one out of the myriad triggers for EDs), this could be the ultimate way to get their need met. I'm not for sure. Everyone who participates has their reasons.

Personally, I like that mental health-based shows are finally being aired. To me, it says that the big fat stigma around mental health issues has shed a few pounds ... losing enough to at least be able to start talking about it on a national level, and acknowledging that, guess what, this can exist in your family, too. What better way to lose some of the stigma, as well as inform the public of the reality of eating disorder treatment, than to put it on television?

What I really like (although I wish it wasn't the reality) is that no one has magically been relieved of their disorder after a period of treatment--even when treated by experts. Reality shows usually do not portray reality, strangely. Showing that recovery is a process and that someone is not "fixed" by 12 weeks, 12 months, and, sometimes, 12 years of therapy IS a REALITY. This, perhaps, is one of the greatest strengths of the show. Another strength is that it illustrates how people with eating disorders need a team of support to recover, and that includes family. Eating disorders are so isolating; recovery is about "we," not "I."

So, that's my scoop on "What's Eating You?"

As I write, I think, Is anything eating me today? The answer ... NO! LIfe is good.

Marie Claire Article... "Should Fatties Get a Room?"

Maura Kelly, a popular blogger, posted an article in Marie Claire about whether America is uncomfortable watching overweight people show PDA on television. The article centers on the CBS show Molly and Mike, a sitcom about a couple who met in Overeater's Anonymous. The former anorexic lashed out at her fleshier counterparts, pronouncing her disgust with seeing people with fat rolls kiss. She even admitted to being disgusted by seeing an overweight person walk across the room! Just who does this blogger think makes up her audience? According to a CBS health article, 66 percent of Americans are overweight and 30 percent are obese. This could account for some of the 28,000 complaints Marie Claire received as a result of this bloggers big fat mouth. Tsk, tsk, tsk Maura Kelly.

When complaints surfaced, Maura Kelly tried to backpedal her, what must be a, skinny ass out of her fat-hatred, stating that her bias and bigotry stems from her own issues with being anorexic in the past. She went as far as to say that anorexic people would sicken her too, knowing how miserable and unhealthy they must be. Oh boy.

Where do I begin? As an ED in recovery, social worker, and woman who lives in Western society, there are so many angles to take. I guess I'll start with some of the points she made that has some validity to them. First, our country is obsessed with physical perfection, and that needs to change. Second, obesity and the physical health consequences that result do cost our country a lot of money. However, from a sociocultural perspective, this is a complex issue. I work with as a psychotherapist in NYC with a population of low-income substance abusers, most of whom are African American and Hispanic. At least 90 percent of my clients are overweight or obese, and have a collection of health consequences, like diabetes, hypertension, asthma, etc. Many are under the age of 35.

While there are psychological and medical reasons for obesity, many people from low-income or rural areas don't have the nutritional education, let alone the financial means to buy healthy food. Moreover, fast food restaurants hover in every corner of these areas. If people want to help this epidemic, and I believe it is one, than why don't people (right wing conservatives, Daddy, I'm talking to you) put some money into helping people, instead of complaining how healthcare costs are affecting your tax dollars and driving up your insurance premiums? With that said, not all overweight and obese people are poor.

Another point she made is that we have a lot of control over our weight. For people who know what to eat and have the financial means to buy healthy food, I have to agree. For many, not all, it's about caloric intake versus energy burned. Period. I will probably get some flack for my opinion, but that's how I feel.

Now to the ugly. Her lame attempt to use her past anorexia as a crutch for her verbal vomit was just that, a lame attempt. Are you really still using your ED as a crutch? Take responsibility for yourself. And to say that she feels just as disgusted seeing an anorexic walking around as an overweight person -- right. Yes, a recovering ED might have sympathy for both people, but I wouldn't say the majority of recovering eating disordered persons feel disgust for the still-suffering anorexic. More like envy. I think that, more times than not, there's a part of an ED in recovery that looks at the anorexic and feels a tinge of envy, as she remembers the security anorexia once brought, only if just a facade.

Getting back to the show that inspired the article, I think it's healthier to show people who represent their audience, not just an unattainable ideal that would make most of us head for Ben and Jerry's.

NEDA Walk... Need a Burger and Fries?

Hi Everyone,

Although I'm a recent MSW grad and work as a psychotherapist in a mental health and substance abuse agency, I still work in a restaurant on the weekends--after all, I am living in NYC. I work the brunch shift at a popular designer burger joint on the Upper West Side (the irony!), which can have its challenges for a ED in recovery. Hey, a girl's gotta make a living. So, last weekend I see a crowd forming outside, completely normal for brunch. Men, women, and children everywhere are wearing the same t-shirts. Great, another group of tourists, I think to myself. As they enter, I notice that the t-shirts have a picture of a beautiful young girl, with the words, In Loving Memory of Emily, written below. Then I see it, the NEDA Walk logo on the back of the t-shirt.

Weeks earlier, I had planned to go to my first NEDA Walk. As a professional who wants to work with this population, I was hoping to get involved. But, instead of serving the greater good for eating disorders, I had to serve artery-clogging burgers and fries, contributing to the high cholesterol-hypertention-heart disease-obesity epidemic that plagues millions in this country--for the individuals as well as tax payers. But that's another discussion. Well, if I couldn't go to NEDA, at least they came to me.

I had the fortunate experience of waiting on four ED professionals, enabling me to share my thoughts in between Diet Coke and Iced Tea refills. I felt a little envy for being unable to walk for NEDA, but grateful that I was able to make a connection. Next year I will for sure be walking, and not kissing asses to high-maintenance Upper West Siders, in hopes of a 20% tip. Ahem.

Back Recovery, Recovery Rut

Hi Everyone,

I apologize, once again, for the long absence. First it was grad school and now it has been my back. I have always had lower lumbar strain and spasmic flare-ups, but a few months ago I suffered the consequences of a herniated disc... sciatic nerve pain from my hip to my foot. For three weeks, I was unable to sleep, I had to take off work, and for at least six weeks I couldn't sit. I really took for granted the simple everyday activities, like typing on my laptap, until I had the herniated disc. Not to mention, the pain zaps every ounce of creativity from your soul.

It's only natural as a food addict (maybe normies, too, I'm not sure) that when I'm in physical pain, the first thing I seek out is food. I don't mean in a binge-purge way, but rather in a who-cares-what-I'm-eating way. To some extent, this is a reflection of my recovery. When I say "who cares" I'm not being apathetic and I'm not depressed. It means that I've gotten to a place in my recovery where if I eat extra of this or that, it just doesn't make a difference. To some degree.

Once of my sponsors used to say, "It's one meal out of a thousand." I always like that line. However, you can't take it to an extreme b/c then one meal becomes every meal.

So, being laid up with a backache, and seeing my once-toned stomach muscles drown under the newly-formed flabby skin coating of butter, sugar, and cheese I've comforted myself with while recovering, I've had to ask myself an important question. How much more time am I willing to spend (or waste) worrying and obsessing about food and my body??? I see my dad still caring about his weight. My mom does the famed "Cookie Diet." What will I be doing in 20 years?

One thing I know is that I don't want to be where I am now. It isn't a bad place; I just feel like I'm stuck in this phase of recovery. Better than relapse, eh? Yes, my life is quite manageable and I'm becoming accomplished in ways I never imagined. But I'm still not eating that "perfectly clean" food plan that I was taught to follow in treatment. Partly because I just don't want to be restricted to that degree. It's so black and white. On the other hand, I lose mental energy by feeling guilty about things I eat. I only have feelings of guilt because I connect eating what I want with gaining weight. Rather, I connect eating what I want with not being able to lose weight. When I eat whatever I want (not bingeing, just like a non-foodaddie), my weight doesn't change. I'm fortunate in that I'm not a person whose weight fluctuates. The PROBLEM is that I still have the fantasy of losing weight. Even after all these years, I cannot get rid myself of the desire to be skinny. To be "average" feels empty. Until now I never connected average and empty. Average, in my mind, equates to not being good enough. Period. My irrational mind still tells me that unless I do something or turn into someone extraordinary, then I'm nothing. On the one hand, I know I'm a good person with wonderful qualities. On the other hand, the same hand that likes to put comfort food in my mouth, my life is driven by what I can achieve next. I always have to one-up myself. Because maybe then I'll be good enough. It parallels anorexia perfectly. One more size, one more pound, and I'll be good enough. But you never get there.

This is what makes recovery from an eating disorder such a rankling and arduous process.

After going through hell for nearly two decades, you go to treatment, learn how to live in recovery, master functioning at the level of an 18-year-old (when you're 29), and do things that "look" like you're "normal" (going to school, working, staying in a relationship, eating out at a restaurant, attending social gatherings, not escaping to the bathroom or bedroom at holiday functions). You're basically having a nice, happy life. Now you're FIXED (ah, that magic word parents and loved ones long to hear from professionals), right? Uh, no. Big. Fat. NO. Why? Because it is still there. Still. Always.

On the POSITIVE side, and there is one, the voice of ED gets softer as the voice of recovery becomes more audible.

I may be in a rut... but at least I'm still in recovery!

Since My Last Post...

Wow, I can't believe it has been months since I've posted... sorry! I'll do my best to catch you up. Let's see... I graduated from NYU with my MSW, as well as landed a job from my mental health/substance abuse facility internship (Yahoo!). I'm now learning how to become as competent as my current (and previous) therapist(s). Being on the other side of the couch isn't as easy as it looks! In between my cognitive reframing, paraphrasing, summarizing, reflecting, and display of nonverbal communication--clinical techniques delivered in my best therapist extraordinaire impersonation--I'm quietly panicking and wondering what the F*** I should say next! Aww... the joys of being a new clinician. It gets easier, though.

As a new clinician, I recently experienced my first professional disappointment. A couple of months ago, I interviewed for a position at an outpatient ED facility in the city--my dream job--and the interviewer told me I didn't have enough "clinical" experience. While her assertions were correct, I wondered if the nearly two decades of hell I went through with the ED would ever count for anything. I mean, really. I know EDs inside and out. She was right though; as I reflect back to the hospital days, when I hid my food in my napkin, I know that even the most seasoned clinicians are thrown curve balls by the ED population. On a brighter note, she said after I get some experience to contact her again. I know that all of my plans will happen in due time. Patience, Greta.

My patients teach me so much... the AA cliches that roll off their tongues in group remind me of what early recovery was like for me, and what I need to continue to do for my recovery. Through their resistance and struggle, I'm reminded that I NEVER want to return to the lonely island of isolation of the ED... even though on occasion my head still tries to persuade me to visit. Through their tears and perseverance, I'm reminded just how hard new recovery is, as well as how rewarding. I'm learning that the ED voice never fully dwindles. I guess that's why it's a called a disease.

Anyhoo...I'm continuing to work on my ongoing struggle of eating what I plan and only eating what I NEED to eat. It's really hard when you love food as much as I do. It's not like you get into recovery and your love of food dies. This is just another process of my recovery. I've stripped away the most harmful behaviors, now I'm stripping away behaviors that aren't necessarily harmful, but keep me in the obsession.

Recovery, at least for this ED, is a lengthy process.